Ted Lilly Fan Club Welcomes (Back) Steve Trachsel

A big boisterous hello and welcome back to the newest Chicago Cub, Steve "Blood on the" Trachsel aka "the Human Rain Delay" or, as he's known around the Fan Club, Old Man River.

Sure, the old adage is that you can always use more pitching but Trachsel? Are you serious? This is the best we can do? A 36 yr old w/ a sub .500 record?

Ugh...we here at the TLFC offer up a few other ideas that, we believe, would be a better way to strengthen the club during the stretch run.

1. Hire Chuck Norris as Team Motivator. Sure, Chuck is pretty close to jumping the shark with his Mt. Dew commerical but imagine the effect that he and his beard could have on the clubhouse later in October.

2. Quick trip to Jose Canseco's 'pharmacist' in Tijuana. Okay, officially, the TLFC has a clear "no performance enhancing drugs" rule but maybe a quick trip south of the border could help Soriano rediscover his power and help TL reach 100 on the gun. Hell, Fan Club just ordered up a fresh batch of the Clear for our 16 inch softball league's playoffs. That's right, Deja Vu Softball Team--you're going down!

3. TBS Movie Marathon. In addition to the above mentioned Chuck Norris, we're pretty sure that sitting the entire squad down in front of the clubhouse plasma for a TBS movie marathon would really fire them up and result in a) increased wins b) less crime in Chicago c) better abs.

Marathon would lead with Roadhouse (Dalton as the Cooler--seriously, f- with him, we dare you), followed by Red Dawn (Charlie Sheen before he went gay), You've Got Mail (Ummmmm....Intern Richine--how did you slip this one in there?) before finishing up with a twin bill of Ah-nuld films: Predator (paused on the scene when Ahnuld and Carl Weathers have a flexoff) and Commando.

Fire it up Ted Heads...

Ted Lilly vs. Manny Parra: Classy Professionalism vs. a Grade-A DBag

Apologies to all you young Ted Heads out there in Ted Head land. The TLFC took a cue from Frenchies Marquis, Jones and Theriot (soft 'T') and took a late summer vacation to avoid the Parisian/Chicago heat (le heat).

We're back, well-rested and excited for the stretch run. We're instituted a mandatory baseball pants only (cups are optional) around the Fan Club to ramp up the emotion a bit as TL takes the mound tonight against the Brew Crew with a game and a half in hand.

Instead of going against Gallardo the Cubbies get Manny Parra which, we believe, is Spanish for "suck-ass." TLFC Super Computer, also back from an extended vacation at Space Camp, spit out the following prediction:

Pitching: 6 IP, 6 Ks, 3 BBs and 1 ER.
Batting: 1-4, Double.

On a quick side note, TL Fan Club Favorite Amy Schumer made it to the next round of NBC's Last Comic Standing. Do yourself a favor, cash in that government bond, break up your piggy bank or sell some plasma and bet it all on this little spark plug from Long Island. I'm sure some random online casino based in the Carribean will take your bet--you'll thank the Fan Club later.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Mail Bag: Part Deux

Morning Ted Heads...another slow day at the Fan Club. We're still picking up downed trees and ringing out wet socks after the recent storms but, with TL's start this evening against Doug Davis, thought we'd reach back into the mailbag for a few more questions (Quick thanks to Frenchy Marquis for teaching us that 'Deux' means 'two').

Two quick notes first:

1. Cubbies are up 1.5 games over the Brewers. Awesome stuff. Theriot and Frenchy Jacque both get a Lilly point for their work in the last night's game esp. the Riot's play in the bottom of the 5th.

2. Teddy Baseball pitches tnite against Doug Davis. No TLFCSC prediction yet but here's hoping that he strings together a good outing (thought we'd try reverse psychology this time instead of a long acronym).

Anyway, fire up a pot of Intelligentsia coffee (official coffee of the TLFC), turn off the Doodlebops and let's get at it. Onto the questions...

Is it true that FontenYES! and the Riot share an apartment? If so, what's the over/under on weekly beer pong games?
Jon Reebie, Glenview, IL

Feels like at least 10 games per week with standard rules applying (glass of water on the side; one final throw back; loser drinks all remaining beer; no pants). We also imagine that the apartment is loaded with neon PBR signs, a scattered DVD collection that includes Scarface, Dazed & Confused and Gladiator and Rocky Cherry on the couch.

We're going to deploy the TLFCMCSIRTADU (Ted Lilly Fan Club Mobile CSI Reconnasciance Team and Detective Unit) to Lincoln Park to investigate further. Feels like this query deserves its own post next week.


Can you speak to the effectiveness of the 'troop surge' policy for long-term Iraqi security?
Mike Driscoll, Omaha, Nebraska
Whoops...wrong mailbag. I think that letter belongs in the US Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker mailbag.

Any thoughts as to why the Cubs traded for Craig Monroe? Seems ridiculous to add yet another outfielder to the mix.
Daryle Ward, Chicago, IL

Good question. With Soriano possibly coming back against the Brewers and the roster already "loaded" with Cliff "Old Man River" Floyd, Thunder Matt, "La Renard" Jacque Jones and Felix Pie, it certainly seems unnecessary. Our guess is that it has to do with Jim Hendry wanting even numbers so no one has to ride alone at the annual Chicago Cubs Outfielders Field Trip to Six Flags Great America (no acronym needed).

With the football season coming up and, with it, fantasy football, who does the TLFC Super Computer (TLFCSC) recommend I take with the 5th overall pick?
Mike Radak, Western Springs, IL

Unfortunately, Mike, the TLFCSC is having a hard time coming up with an answer for you here. It wants to spit out "Ted Lilly, QB, West Canaan Coyotes" but it's realizing that this is not a logical answer (everyone knows that Mox is the QB for the Coyotes). We'd recommend playing it safe and taking Shaun Alexander or Frank Gore. Also probably want to stay away from Michael Vick.

Not-so-sleeper pick is Greg Olsen, Chicago Bears TE

Ted Lilly Is the New Zealand Of Oceanic Nations

We’ve taken advantage of some of down time to get headquarters ready for the stretch run. The TLFCSC has just been defragged and scanned for viruses, so like the Cubs, it will be performing at its optimal level in September. We vacuumed all of Intern Richie’s Cheerio’s from between the couch cushions. You get the picture, odd jobs.

So, in the spirit of attention to detail and our recent refernce to the Veil of Protection, we’d like to take this time to expand upon an old post. New Zealand is the Ted Lilly Of Oceanic Nations TTLOON. Ask us, we know. We know Ted Lilly*. We know New Zealand. They are alike in many ways. New Zealand’s national rugby team, the All Blacks, has the best record of any national team. Ted Lilly’s team has the best record in the National League Central. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, a hill in the Hawke's Bay region of the North Island of New Zealand, is credited by The Guinness Book of World Records with having the longest place name in the world. The TLFCSC predicts that next season, Ted Lilly will enter the The Guinness Book of World Records for the longest consecutive streak of quality starts and we will have the longest list of acronyms in the world.

As you can see. We're insane. But our therapist says we should get this stuff off of our chests. Also, we decided to not use this New Zealand post to make an uber hip reference to Flight of the Conchords.


Fan Club. Out.

*We don’t actually know Ted Lilly

Rich Hill Says, "I'm Not A Child!" Continues To Try To Make Us Love Him

Teenagers!

They are so difficult. It seems like just yesterday that our little Intern needed our Veil of Proctection to ward off the critics. Since then, we've bitch slapped Rich left and right, laughing with Smarsh about Richie's love of wuss rock (ie. Snow Patrol), his inability to grow facial hair, and his general lack of worthiness to be within 10 ft of TL. Frankly, we've been suprised Piggy doesn't make Richie carry around that My Little Pony Bag.

However, it looks as if our Ted Lilly Fan Club, Super Nanny Inspired, Tough Love Strategy (TLFCSNITLS) has paid off. Rich Hill has gotten his shit together...

7 IP 6 H 2 ER 10 K 1 hardy slap on the back from us 1 "Why did you go 0-2 with 2 k's?"

It's a great sign, seeing Richie dominate like that... (Hands placed over Rich's ears) Truth be told, Richie's been really good all year. We think the fact that he hasn't walked more than two in the 20 of his 25 starts is really awesome. He's a number two starter on most teams and a bargin to the Cubs. He's victim of random run support issues that will iron themselves out. He should have ten plus wins. (Hands released off Rich's ears) ... but we wonder when he's going to "Man Up" and get his team to give him some run support.

We're going to keep the TLFCIRPBM at "Wicker Park Hipster Level" for now, but another start like that and we might just have to move it to Andrian Grenier.

Zambrano today, our Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer is still on the fritz, so we once again turn to the Ted Lilly Fan Club Tarot Card Reader, Madam Jossea. The esteemed Madam has predicted a 12 IP 3 ER 49 K and two male children for Z. We think it'll be more like 6 IP, 3 ER and 5 K's, but we're not spiritually connected. We'll see how that goes. Fire it Up.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Mailbag

Morning Ted Heads....pretty slow day at the TLFC (esp. with TL's loss yesterday) so we sent Smarsh down to the TLFCPOB (Fan Club Post Office Box). brewed up a fresh pot of Sanka and decided to post a few choice TLFC mail bag questions. Strap yourself in, let's go for a ride.

***
Would you say that Ted Lilly is a great Cubs pitcher or the Greatest Cubs pitcher?
-Overnight Pete, Manitoba, Canada.

First off, a big hello to Overnight Pete...a long time friend of the Fan Club stemming from our previous residency in Toronto from 2004 to 2006. Pete's an over-the-road lumber hauler which, as part of our blue-collar roots, we admire. From our many conversations shared over Labatt's Blue at Winnepeg's Toad in the Hole pub, we also learned that Pete's a raging insomniac and former farm hand for the Winnepeg Goldeneyes (not to be confused with a certain N64 game of the same name).

As for the question about TL, there are a ton of legendary Cubs pitchers (Jack Pfiester, Greg Maddux, Steve Trout and Dave Otto spring to mind) so we're not sure that TL is the best Cubs pitcher of all time but we think he's on his way.

I'm a 10-year old living in Moline who pitchers for my little league baseball team. I was wondering what I need to do to be as strong and fast and cool as Ted Lilly.
-Connor Riley, Moline, IL

Thanks for the question Connor, we're sending a TLFCYFGP (Ted Lilly Fan Club Young Fans Gift Pack) your way complete with a DVD of Tom Emanski's "Major League Pitcher" and TLFC pennant. In terms of being like Ted, we just think that you should keep drinking your milk, doing all sorts of ab work and helping old ladies cross the street. Stay away from practicing the LillyHammer pitch until high school for fear of throwing out your arm.


Who would win in a fight--Ted Lilly or Optimus Prime?
-Drew Brennan, Skokie, IL.

Wow---Skokie, IL, eh? Home of former Brady Bunch star Robert Reed and the North Shore Center for Performing Arts. Nice work. Initially, we started drafting a response comparing power, craftiness and agility but then realized that Drew is playing a trick on the Mailbag. Both TL and Optimus Prime fight for good and seek to destroy evil in the world. For Optimus, he wants to protect mankind (including, unfortunately, Shia Lebuff) from the Decepticons. For TL, he wants to help the Cubs win the pennant first and foremost but also destroy the Decepticons (great opportunity for cross-marketing here--Michael Bay, let's chat. TedLillyRules@gmail.com).

Rich Hill Splashs in Puddles as Ted Lilly Gets Start in Series Finale

Unfortunately, last night's game got postponed in the 3rd due the heavy rains but, thanks to the inept Brewers (Playoffs? You're talking about the playoffs?) we still gained ground and now lead the Central by one game.

Of course, with those heavy rains, Intern Richie, Smarsh and friends were a bit scared but, to settle them down, we told them that rain is merely God crying over the Brewers recent play. They liked that line which, combined with the Mt. Dew and Papa Johns pizza, made their 1st annual TLFCLKSPE (Ted Lilly Fan Club Lil' Kids Sleepover Party Extravaganza) a success.

Ted Lilly gets the ball in about 4 hours against fantasy baseball castoff Joel Pinerio in the series finale. Super Computer is currently on the fritz but our resident tarot card expert, Madam Jossea, belives that TL will go 6 innings with 3 strikeouts to get the win. She also believes that TL will gain an 'enlightened sense of self" through this experience. Whatever...

Fire it up. 1:20 start time...

Your Ted Lilly Fan Club Tee Shirts And Maternity Apparel (YTLFCTSAMA)

Our Lawyer Eagerly Awaits Ted's Cease and Desist Letter

The moment every Ted Head has been waiting for: the official release of Your Ted Lilly Fan Club Tee Shirts and Maternity Apparel. (YTLFCTSAMA). Overnight Pete, our friend and technology guru, has helped us and set up this awesome Cafe Press Store.

Friends of the blog know that we've had some problems rolling these out, but we're now successfully in compliance with Cafe Press' policies, rules, and legal crap, and ready to rock.... we think.... To be honest, our fears of a hidden legal problem has us sweating like Intern Richie at a Wu Tang concert; these things may disappear faster than Andy Pratt, so get 'em now. We did.

Available are TLFC tee shirts (Mona Lilly on the back), sleeveless tee's, woman's tee's, maternity tees, coffee mugs, and TLFC clocks. Our recent order just shipped, so we know it works. If it doesn't, remember, caveat emptor.

And for those cynics that think we're doing this to make some extra dollars, your damned wrong. We make zero profit on this... a move we still can't believe ourselves. To remove even a semblance of impropriety or malfeasance, we suggest you look at who's sponsoring Ted Lilly's baseball-reference.com page. That wasn't free, people.

We've got a nervous excitement about this. Let us know what you think, Buy away!

Frenchy Marquis Pitches Cubs to Victory, Celebrates at Beaumonts

Thankfully, today's game started at 1:20 saving us from having to discuss in-depth last night's less-than-stellar outing by Ted Lilly. We asked the TLFCRD to investigate possible reasons for Ted's dismal performance (6 innings pitched, 6 earned runs, 6 hits!) and three explanations presented themselves:

1. Global Warming. Initially, we were a bit skeptical about this idea but after speaking with John Christy, TLFC's resident global warming expert, we learned that this could, indeed, be a real possibility. Increased core temp >>> increased warm air into vapor >>> increased rain >>> bad grip on the ball >> ineffective LillyHammer >> sloppy pitching. While we can't see ourselves driving hybrids (or scooters like Intern Richie), we have agreed to stop burning styrofoam for fun and stealing money from blind people* (not actually sure that this contributes to global warming)

2. Doug Benson, aka that d-bag from VH1's "Best Week Ever", got booted off of NBC's Last Comic Standing. While his being kicked off didn't hurt Ted, the fact that he stayed on this long probably put the universe off a bit and, potentially, led to last night's loss. However, that being said, TLFCNLCSFF (Ted Lilly Fan Club NBC Last Comic Standing Fan Favorite) Amy Schumer is still alive and kicking.

3. TL was sick of having to buy Jason Kendall beers after every win. "Seriously, Jason, it's 4 am, I don't want to be at Slugger any more and want to go home to my wife. Can I just give you some cash to cover the beers?"

[inaudible grunting from Jason as he motions to a pack of 19-yr DePaul students who are looking at them]

"What about mozz sticks? Can I buy you some mozz sticks too? Will that make up for me leaving early?"

Regardless, Frenchy Marquis pitched us to victory today (6 IP, 4ER, 2Ks) alongside his Franco-American teammates, Jacque Jones, the Riot and FontenYes!. Celebration testtube shots at Beaumonts later....Intern Richie goes tomorrow so, if you see him out at Deja Vu or Burton's Place, do your city a favor: find a cab, give the driver $20 and get Intern Richie home safe...

Fire it up, STL and Brewers are on the hit list...

Ted Lilly Personal Ad

SWFC (Single White Fan Club) seeking AMLHP (Alpha Male Left-Hander Pitcher) for ongoing relationship (regular season + playoffs + trip to Cy Young award presentation).

SWFC enjoys watching the Chicago Cubs win ballgames, drinking extra smooth Bud Extra and making themselves laugh at obnoxiously long and convoluted acronyms (OLACA).

SWFC is seeing a left-hander starting pitcher who is in interested in the same, preferably beginning tonight against Phil Dumatrait and the Cincinnati Reds...AMLHP also needs to know how to stop the bleeding and/or throw a baseball at Paul Sullivan before he publishes again (He's a menace...must...be....stopped)

In addition, Fan Club can offer unwavering support(strong to very strong), handmade t-shirts, and R-rated taunts to opposing team pitchers (Intern Richie just came up with this gem: "Dumatrait? Yeah? Yeah? More like Dumbatrait" which we agree is not stellar but he hasn't had his Ovaltine yet. Plus, he lost his blanky yesterday and didn't sleep so well last night).

AMLHP---if you're out there, we need you tonight (caveat: by 'need you,' we mean that in a very honest, legal, blue collar, non-sexual way)....

Game time at 7:05...Fire it Up Ted Heads, Fire it up AMLHPs

Like George Micheal, Ted Lilly Fan Club Has "The Faith"

We've spent the last four days lounging around the TLFC Lake House and generally avoiding the Cubs. Our goal: refresh for a playoff run and recharge our blogging batteries. Guess what, that didn't work, so we went into our Special Place, threw ourselves around for a few hours, had Smarsh throw some cold water on us, delouse us with some searing lyme, and meditated about a few things. We've emerged more sure than ever about "The Faith." WARNING. The next few paragraphs are going to be intense. Like, Ten Beers intense. Consider yourself forewarned.

We've eluded to "The Faith" for awhile, but now we're ready to define. This surely will be a moment that will enter into the Ted Lilly Fan Club Hall Of Legendary Predictions and Theories (TLFCHOFLPAT) like:

• TITLM


• FonteYES! and his cohorts


• TLFCSC

We now give you.... The Faith.

The Faith - An belief, based shockingly on rational thought, that the 2007 Chicago Cubs will win the NL Central.

We don't remember writing that. We were in some odd trance, but we'll try our best to elaborate:

We believe in Z, think he's pretty darned good and will continue to dominate. We believe in Ted Lilly, don't think we need to prove that to you. A one-two starting pitching combo like this helps cover the sins of most any team, even the Devil Rays. Let's say the team is sucking, like say, the present Cubs. One - two combos do two things: 1) Limit the oppositions runs (which keeps sucky offenses in the game) and 2) Stops Big Losing Streaks. If Z falters, a la last week, TL can pick him up. God forbid TL falters, Z's got his back. The Cub have the best 1-2 combo in the NL; a powerful asset that will serve this team well down the stretch.

Let's also discuss the Cub offense. Riddled by injuries and slumping. Both of which can change. We've seen the offense stumble before and then we've seen them hit outta their heads. We can't say we're not worried, but this team has a ton of talent and will win games. The injuries are frustrating and that the continue is the real fear. If Rammy (or Lee or Z) is lost for a lot of time, in combo with Alfy still on the DL, The Faith might disappear from the blogosphere. We tend to be optimistic and think that once we get Rammy back, our offensive problems will disappear.

Finally, and most importantly, it's way more fun to be optimistic about this team than it is to criticise and smother them a la Paul Sullivan types. As Theodore Roosevelt (No, not Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, but we like the effort) once said,

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

"Citizenship in a Republic,"Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

Take a stand. Embrace The Faith.

Ted Lilly Wins Lucky #13 as Ride to Cy Young Station Continues...

Huge win for the Cubs last night...TL goes 6 innings, striking out 5 while only giving up two earned runs. Not only did Teddy Baseball pitch a great game and stop the bleeding of the four game losing streak, he also restored the confidence of the Cub's younger players especially his two pitching mates, Rich Hill and Sean Marshall.

In fact, the TLFCRAGD (Ted Lilly Fan Club Rumor and Gossip Division) got a tip on the TLFC hotline that, before the game, TL took Intern Richie, Smarsh, Felix Pie and Eric Patterson on a little sight seeing tour of Colorado including stops at Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Coors Brewery (Not for another two years Rich...), the Denver Aquarium and, of course, the Fourney Transportation Museum (Intern Richie has a big railroad set up in the basement of his parent's house--loves putting on his conductor hat).

Two quick notes from tonight's game:

1. TLFC Research Department (TLFCRD) has been tinkering with the PEOTAARHOMMOBP (Positive effect of Thin Air and red hair on Matt Murton's Overall Baseball Performance) f0r a while but needed new data to prove their hypothesis. Last night was that moment: huge home run in the 3rd inning, great defense all night and, yes, a nice pale complexion.

Now, we're not going to take up Thunder Matt's campaign (that's for our friends at Thunder Matt's Saloon) but we just wanted to add some scientific clarity. Next up for the TLFCRD is global warming---stay tuned.

2. TL now has a lucky 13th win (8th in 9 decisions), placing him 2nd in the National League. Good seats still available on the Cy Young Train. It leaves Pikes Peak Station early Sunday for a trip back to Chicago for a series against the Reds. TLFC t-shirts, mousepads and 3-D art coming soon.

Frenchy goes tonight...

Ted Lilly Footsteps Poem

No need to dance around the issue here, Ted Heads, we haven't been playing well recently. Patton Oswalt outpitched Big Z and the Cubs lost their 4th straight.

Thankfully, the Brew Crew have realized that they are, in fact, the Milwaukee Brewers and lost again for us (Paul Molitor is NOT walking through that door! Robin Yount is NOT walking through that door! Playoffs? Playoffs?).

Okay...so we're down (but not out) and in desperate need a pick-me up... desperate need someone to step up and carry us through this valley... desperate need of someone to remind us of The Faith... we're in desperate need of Ted "Theodore Roosevelt" Lilly.

While officially the TLFC is non-denominational, we can't help but be reminded of the poem "Footsteps" where the speaker sees two sets of footprints on the beach sand for a while but, when things get rough, only sees one set and thought that God (TL in this allusion) abandoned him. Nope, said God (again, TL), “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."

Yes, we understand the messianic overtones of this post but think that it's good for Intern Richie and Smarsh to have a little spirituality in their lives (note: Ritchie LOVES Veggie Tales) before they go off to school and start smoking cigarettes, staying out too late, looking at dirty magazines etc.

We need you Ted....pick us up and carry us to the promised land (=1st place).

Fire it up...8:05 start time

Cub Offense ALL FIRED UP!!!!!

For Optimal Sarcasm, Hit Play Then Read Post

Boom! An offense explosion in the Enron Field Band Box! In case you missed it, the Cub's got two big victories on the backs of their offensive prowess. Yesterday, Intern Richie didn't need any offense, throwing up 7 IP, 3 H, 6 K ball, but Ryan Theriot absolutely crushed the ball to secure him the win! Wooh!

Today, Intern Smarsh (Sean Marshall) needed some help (5.1 IP 5 ER) and got it from Thunder Matt. A towering HR and some timely hitting in Bases Loaded situations put the Cubs out in front! Alright!

We're really set to cook now! Tonights line-up of Theriot, FontenYes, Kendall, DeRosa, Floyd, Lee, EPat, and Pitcher, is one that's guaranteed to hit bombs every night out there. All those guys Slug the ball. Big. Time. Bombs. Things are looking good right now! Can't wait for the next game, Yeah!

Note: We don't mean to go all Paul Sullivan Negative on you here, we still have The Faith and we take full responsibility for Richie's loss. We had a Ted Lilly Fan Club Admin. Appreciation Night (TLFCAAN) at a 7:20 showing of 'Becoming Jane' and turned the game on when Weurtz had Wiggington, 0-2. in the 11th. Opps.

Ted Lilly, Cage Fighter

We've already recapped Ted's mastery of the potent Met's lineup, so let's move on to the more important revelation that came from yesterday: Ted Lilly is a cage fighter.

This nifty nugget of Ted info comes to us via Will Ohman's introduction of the Cub's lineup for the Fox broadcast. We couldn't stomach watching Joe Buck, but several Ted Heads emailed us Ohman's quote:

"Pitching and Batting Ninth, the finest Cage Fighter I know, Ted Lilly"

We knew this already but have been bound by the TLFCPP not to say anything. But, now that "Wild" Bill Ohman decided to spill the beans, we are obliged to tell the rest of the story.

It all began last February, a few months after TL had signed his contract with a comatose Jim Hendry. We were in a Naperville basement, taking bets for our weekly, roving, Chicago suburban, underground cage fighting league (WRCSUCFL), when we first met Ted. We're used to big stars in the WRCSUCFL... Scott Baio, Will Purdue, Stanley Tucci... but not since the Jason Dubois era had a pro baseball player showed up.

Ted stepped right up to our booth and said, "I want to fight." We politely told TL that the fight card was already full and handed him a pamphlet for our fight club, which meets on Thursday's. He turned around, without comment, and climbed into the caged octagon, stopping cold our undercard Ladies Fight. The basement went quiet. "Who will fight Ted Lilly!" he bellowed, stripping down to his fighting underwear, "Who will challenge me, NOW!"

"I will," responded Ken Shamrock. "As will I," added Randy "The Natural" Couture. All hell broke lose. Fists flying... round house kicks meeting teeth... teeth flying... punching... gouging... Shamrock was the first to fall, victim of a TL sweep kick / throat chop combo. The Natural held on, landing a few jabs, but Lilly controlled the pace, biding his time, and looked for the take down. Then it happened. A hooking left sent Couture to the ground, which TL followed with a Hammer elbow to the chest. It was the finest display of cage fighting we have ever seen.

From that day forward, we have run the TLFC; a site dedicated to the finest left handed pitcher in baseball and the finest cage fighter we know. Now you know, Ted Heads. Now you know.

Trip to Cy Young Station Continues as Ted Lilly Gets Win #12

Huge win for the Cubbies and TL today as Teddy Baseball goes 7 strong, giving up two homeruns to former Cub Moises Alou (hands dripping with urine), one walk and 8 strikeouts to get his 12th win (third in the NL). Cubs have best record in the major leagues since June 3rd.

In fact, the Ted Lilly Super Computer actually correctly predicted this line from TL. Yep, no joke, check out this link to the "Comments" section at the Cub Reporter. Yes, indeed, our post is time-stamped and, yes, the TLFCSC is that good. Next up, we're trying to schedule a chess match between the TLFC and Deep Blue...

Joe Buck called TL "Teddy Terrific" but, since it came from Buck, we promise to never use that phrase again. Actually, if we had our druthers (Rocky Cherry is studying for his GMAT and left a study guide at the Club last week which is where we found that word), we'd prefer if Buck never broadcasted again and had to spend the rest of his life, traveling the country apologizing to baseball fans for having made a career out of the fact that he is the son of a Hall of Fame broadcaster. Yep...Lucky sperm club indeed.

TLFC will be celebrating tonight with a few extra cold Bud Ices, a trip to Sluggers to take in some BP and a late night dance off at Beaumonts. That's right...it's a walk-off.

Next stop, Cy Young Station...Choo! Choo!

Ted Lilly (11-5) vs. Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, and John Maine (12- 5)

We can guarantee you that Tivo connected to the 82' plasma at the TLFCHQ will be recording Hogan's Heroes instead of tomorrows 2:55CST Cub Game. From today's Tribune ...

"And while [Buck] still does local play-by-play on a handful of Cardinals games, he says it's not accurate to call him a fan."I'm beyond all that stuff," he said. "I root for great match ups and great games."

We at the TLFC have been forced to listen to his crap for several years and loathe the man... in fact, we bet we've heard more of his own games than he has. And armed with our superior knowledge of his material, we can unequivocally say this: Joe Buck is an Anti Cubs Announcer. That's not saying he's a bad announcer (an issue we think has been covered better elsewhere) , but by no reason should the guy be considered, "beyond all that stuff."

By the way, what does Joe mean by 'that stuff,' is Mr. Buck referring to the Trillion dollar industry of catering to Sports Fans? Does Joe think less of us because we're tied to a team; damned right he does. Damn you Joe Buck! You're so much better than us lowly fans. Guess what dude, your commercials suck too.

On the other hand, listening to McCarver is like watching the fat lady next door struggle take out her trash. You know you should help her take out her trash but really, it's her fault she eats that much and she also called the Cops during the Ted Lilly Fan Club Beer Pong Tourney (TLFCBPT) so she can do it her damned self. Basically, if McCarver didn't say dumb stuff All. The. Time. we might feel bad for him, but his constant annoyance coupled with Buck's bias really kills it for us.

As for the opposing pitcher, our final opponent tomorrow. John Maine is a lanky right hander who is much more of a "location pitcher" than a power guy. If he walks a couple early, the Cubs will have a great chance to score runs.

2:55 Game Time. Let's go Ted! Fire it up!

---

AM UPDATE - This mornings' Trib really set us off. Cubs gave up 11 BB yesterday and deserved to lose. Blame Demp all you want, but we continue to stick by our previous statements. BTW, without the NYM loses, his stats look like this...

39.1 IP 8 ER 1HR 18 BB 37 K 17 SV ERA 1.83 WL 2-2

Pretty Friggin Good

We don't have a lot of time this AM, but we certainly will address this further.

Introducing "COXS" Fans

We've taken in over a dozen games at Wrigley this year and find that the feeling at the ballpark is starting to resemble 2003; fun in the sun, great baseball, a pennant chase, and an increasing amount of d- bag fans.

Last year and the year before, we were blessed with a signigicant drop in their numbers, but their return is definite. Where did they go? Where have they been? We now know: US Cellular Field.

Taking into account our previous thought on the Cubs Fan / Sox Fan Douche Bag problem and Frank the Tank's recent thoughts, we decided to meditate on this a little further. We thought. We thought some more. We had Intern Richie get us some coffee, then thought even more. Finally, the answer hit us like in the head like we coached first base for the Royals: These people are COXS Fans.

Main Entry: coxs
Pronunciation: 'cocks
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural coxi
Usage: often attributive
Etymology: Middle English cockes, probably from Middle French dialect (Walloon) coche, from obsolete or dialect Dutch coockhe, coocje; probably akin to Middle Low German cjockes bird.

1. a migrant baseball fan that shifts between winning teams. Loud and obnoxious, often vocalizing witless insults and displaying an egregious lack of knowledge of the game, COXS are easily identified by one or more of the following apparel choices. (see also above image)

• Hat: Preferably a visor, turned backwards and upside down, though the more affluent coxi wear Red Sox or Yankees hat. A rare COXS wears the Irish green team hat with clover and team logo in white.


• Shirt: Sleeveless, either by design or self made, often with a frat function theme (ie, eg. SIU DKE Spring Formal '04.) On a cool evening, COXS fans will wear a replica jersey with team tee shirt underneath, for extra support. The upper crust COXS fans occasionally are found in a team golf shirt.


• Pants: Cargo Shorts, extra frayed. North Shore or Beverly COXS supporter go with the pressed khaki pants and Blackberry or cell phone holder on their belt.

We hope that this definition enters into the lexicon of both White Sox and Cub's fans. For example, "The game was great, but I was surrounded by a bunch of COXS" or "You don't know who David Kelton was? You're such a COXS!"

We eagerly await your thoughts on this matter.

Note: We realize Intern Smarsh sucked today and are avoiding discussing the recent Ted Lilly Fan Club Intern Crisis (TLFCIC) as much as we can.

Rich Hill Upgrades Playoff Beard to Hipster-Level as Cubs Move Into 1st Place

Morning to all you Ted Heads out there in blogger land...

Huge, huge win last night for the Cubbies as Thunder Matt scores on a wild pitch in the bottom of the ninth to beat the Phils and move into first place in the NL Central.

More importantly, despite his so-so pitching performance (3 ER, 3 walks, 5 Ks), Intern Richie was able to keep growing his playoff beard which has now been upgraded from "Freshmen Year of College" level to "Bucktown Hipster" level.

Everyone knows who these heroes are: maybe rocking a cordoroy blazer with uber hip retro tee ...or maybe they're performing a collection of their own material at some coffee shop while faux intellectuals wax poetically about the Clinton years...or possibly they're spending their time talking about saving up their money for a Hybrid car....regardless, we've all seen them, we all know them and they all usually rock some sh*tty little chin beard thing.

Welcome, Intern Richie, you're now part of that selective group. Please pick up your painter pants from Urban Outfitters, pick up your TV on the Radio CD and proceed to checkout...

If the Cubs keep winning and strengthen their stranglehold on 1st place, Intern Richie is looking at the next stage in playoff beard growth: 3rd Eye Blind Lead Singer Stephen Jenkins chin strap.

Intern Smarsh goes today atr 1:20....