Tales From The Ted Lilly Fan Club Post- Apocalyptic Bunker: It's Gettin' Hot In Here, So We're Takin' Off All Our Clothes

During Turbulent Times, We Find Refuge In An Old Friend...

Three days ago, we were all set to make fun of the nerd herd at Baseball Prospectus for their crappy Playoff Odds Report and their dumb ass 95% chance the Cub's make the playoffs.... but, we chose not to unleash. Why? We feared that our blasting of BP would jinx the Cub's even more. Ha! For we now see that our failure to call them out for their failure to account for the fact that these are the F*@Kin' Cubs, got us into this jam in the first place. Stupid Nerds, always ruining our fun.

But we're not worried, we still like our chances and continue to have The Faith. We also aren't worried about the mental state of the Cub's locker room. Apparently (via our friends at The Cub Reporter) they're getting a little chippy. Can you blame them? We don't think it's because of the intense pressure of the playoff chase, rather it is likely having Paul Sullivan watch you change and shower for 162 games. We tell you what, if we had that guy in our bathroom every time we had a nice shower, we'd be swearing at him as well.

So, we now find ourselves sealed, with the Interns, in our Ted Lilly Fan Club Post Apocalyptic Bunker (TLFCPAB) hunkered down, eating Ramen, drinking Bud Extra, and going doody in our Depends (we then force Intern Smarsh to take our feces and flush it down the toilet- but, that's neither here- nor - there.) We got us into this mess, we'll get us out of it. Trust us.

Did you forget who's scheduled to start the last game of the season? Do you know the insanity that will occur around these parts if that game really matters? We're in the bunker for your protection, not ours. We're telling you right now: if that game has "playoff implications," we're headed to the playoffs the way we got there... on the shoulders of Ted Lilly.

Rest well, Ted Heads. We got this.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Newswire: Magic Number is 3 and Jennie Garth is Still Hot

Morning kiddies...it's Thursday morning at the Ted Lilly Fan Club and we're ga-ga over last night's games.

Sure, it sucked losing to the Marlins and the seven Florida fans in attendance but we could help but feel confident when we caught "Back to the Future II" on TBS late last night and saw the scene when Marty sees the news clip (in the future of course) about the Cubs beating Miami to win the 2015 World Series.

Of course, the Brewers helped the cause by once again falling on the sword and losing to the Cardinals to keep us at a two game lead with a magic number of three.

Very simply, the Brewers are who we thought they were: a 2nd place with a fantasy gold first baseman in Prince Fielder, a creaky former olympian staff "ace" in Ben Sheets and a fakey Ryan Theriot in Ryan Bruan (classic spark plug guy).

With a few very important days ahead for Cub Nation, the TLFC has hunkered day and basically turned the Fan Club into a post-Apocalypse bunker (think the hatch in "Lost" mixed with some "War of the Worlds" paranoia and "Mad Max" facial hair--except for Intern Richie which is a shame). We've taken all the necessary precautions (bathtubs filled with water? Check. Shotguns? Check. Petrol tank? Check) and spent the few days in front of the television (thankfully, in our post-Apocalyptic world, Comcast OnDemand still works).

In the midst of our TV marathon, we stepped away from ESPN News for a second and caught a clip of the latest "Dancing with the Stars" and came to the quick conclusion: 7 years after 90210 ended, Jennie Garth is still ridiculously hot (yep..it's gets especially weird in the TLFC bunker when it's all dudes).

She just might be the 1st ever TLFCPABC (Ted Lilly Fan Club Post-Apocalyptic Bunker Crush). That being said, our money's on Helio Castroneves (we already told you, it gets weird in the Bunker).

Human Rain Delay goes today....Fire it up, post-apocalyptic Ted Heads....

Born Again Ted Lilly Fan Club: We've Rediscovered the Faith

TLFC woke up with a bad hangover this morning thanks in large part to the less-than-tasty combination of Bud Extra, Sparks and a few late night Jacks pizzas (4 for $10 at Jewel). Of course, the Ted Lilly loss left an even worse taste in our mouth.

As explained in last night's post, we fully take the blame for TL's loss. Like Icarus flying too close to the sun on wings of wax, the TLFC got too proud, too confident in the Lillyhammer that we spent our Tuesday night in the TLFC Nerdery (TLFCN) playing Halo 3 on the 72" plasma instead of root-root-rooting for our favorite lefty SP from Torrance, California.

Shame on us. We've since put ourselves in the in-house hockey penalty box and felt shame. We also took away Intern Richie's PSP and put ourselves on a strict no-Tostitos Queso diet until the end of the season. It's a tough road but one we must walk...

Most importantly, we have re-committed ourselves to the cause and rediscovered the "Faith."

We've being wearing full-body Cubs away gray face paint, watching shoddy YouTube videos of Florida SP Daniel Barone formerly of the Albuquerque Isotopes (enter your oh-so-clever "Simpsons" joke here) and have already wacked back 10+ styrofoam cups of Sanka.

The magic number is 4 and Frenchy Marquis gets the ball tonight, 6:05 go time.

Sure, he struggled in his last start (seven runs on eight hits and two walks over 2 2/3 innings) but it's Marquis' last regular-season start and he's going to make it count. He's got the Faith.

Fire it up, Cubbie Fans....

Ted Lilly Falters: We Take The Blame

Okay, Ted Heads, in the name of full disclosure, we're drunk. Our spell checker is going ballistic and our old girlfriends are creeped out at the several random hang up voice mails we've left them. But, despite being unwilling to let go of relationships, we're man enough to take blame for tonight's loss. Simply put, we didn't give TL the support to get the victory. Ted goe's 5 IP, gives up 8 H and 4 runs and the Brew crew cuts the gap to 2. We get a nice steak and didn't watch the game.

That's it. That's all we have to say. While Ted was out there griding away in the hot Florida sun, we enjoyed a nice Surf and Turf at a local eatery... our bad. This won't happen again. We won't leave TLFCHQ until we capture the NL Central, you have our word. We're now wearing Depends and fully stocked with Spam. You also have our word that we won't cross the 50 yrd boundry set out by the judge with our ex... for now. It's time to Man Up and we'll do it. Will you? ... where's the scotch around here...

Love you guys....

Ted Lilly Fan Club Awards Banquet

Normally, Little League teams and soccer clubs wait til the end of the season for their post-season awards and, while the Cubs will hopefully be delaying their post-season awards banquet til November, the Ted Lilly Fan Club gathered Monday night at Medieval Times in Schaumburg (Official Middle Ages-Themed Restaurant of the TLFC) for our 1st ever TLFCABADE (Ted Lilly Fan Club Awards Banquet and Dining Extravaganza).

Really quickly, before we get to the awards, Ted pitches tomorrow at 6:05 against former Cub and current Fantasy Baseball Virus Dontrelle Willis. Anyway, onto a quick recap of the night's big winners....

1. The "I Must Have Naked Pictures of Bud Selig" Award Goes to....Dane Cook and his unexplainable position as the face of postseason baseball. Honestly, Dane Cook is the best that Major League Baseball can do? There isn't one other celebrity fan that would step up and take MLB's check? The TLFC would have accepted Nick Lachey, that kid who does the Mac commercials or even Chicago Cubs Super-Fan James "My Brother Is Still Funnier" Belushi.

But instead, we've got to deal with some no-talent ass clown who spends his time ripping off other comedians material and/or frosting his hair. Cook also picked up the award for biggest celebrity Dbag beating out Pete Doherty, Mystery from VH1's "Pick-Up Artist" and Perez Hilton.

2. Britney Spears "What Were You Thinking" Award was won by Milton Bradley for his tirade on Sunday afternoon against umpire Mike Winters about a bat flip, a tirade so ridiculous that Bradley ended up tearing his own ACL and ending his season as the Padres potentially gear up for the post-season. Seriously, what were you thinking? You're probably better off focusing on your board game-creating career.

3. TLFC Coaches Award (by 'coach's award', we really mean the award that goes to the fat kid on the team that has to get something or will cry all the way home before his mom shuts him up with two bowls of ice cream with sleeping pills sprinkled on top; this is usually the kid who plays catcher in little league or goalie in soccer). Winner was NY Giants back-up quarterback Jared Lorenzen.

Tipping the scales at 285 lbs, Lorenzen is known by a number of colorful nicknames such as the "Hefty Lefty", "The Pillsbury Throwboy","J.Load" and "Round Mound of Touchdown." Jared actually accepted the award in person as he showed up at the banquet for the all-you-can-eat chicken roasters and free Pepsi refills. Let's go red knight...

4. The "Chief Bromden" Award (given to the craziest guy in the room) was presented to Iranian President Ahmadinejad. Now, all you Ted Heads out there in academia are probably nodding appreciatively for the "One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest" reference but we just had to call out how insane this guy is. We're not usually political here at the TLFC (except for the obvious "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Ted!" bumper stickers we made for next year's presidential elections) but this guy is just insane. Holocaust? Never happened. Homosexuality? Not in Iran.

What's next? Is he going to claim that Ted Lilly doesn't deserve the Cy Young? That Fox's new cop drama "K-Ville" doesn't exploit Hurricane Katrina for bad buddy copy scenarios? Insano...

Fire it up, Ted Heads...up three and a half games. Let's do this....

Ted Lilly Fan Club and Scott Eyre: Telepathically Linked

Pretty much the only Cub's Lefty we don't talk (or stalk) is reliever Scott Eyre. Until recently, there hasn't been much positive to say about Mr. Eyre. Let's face it, during May through July every time Scott waddled out from the pen we started sweating like Len Kasper at a NAS concert. Then, apparently through fast food, Scott started to dominate again. We rejoiced, we're positive people and have always liked Scott.... he's kind of a big teddy bear.

We like him even more after this defense of Demp in this morning's Trib....

When Cubs closer Ryan Dempster gave up a solo home run Friday with a six-run lead in the ninth, the crowd began to boo. "That's their right to boo if they want to get the game over quickly," reliever Scott Eyre said. "But it's pretty bad, I think."

We couldn't agree more. This year, Demp has been more than simply "serviceable" and has the support of the team. We're so pissed about this, we'll go so far as to say that Thunder Matt's Saloon (Friend of the Blog) is outta line with their little "look how passionate we are" / "takedown piece" on Demp.

Our rationale: Howrey to Marmol in high leverage situations and Demp coming in to finish it out versus what alternative? We ask, would you rather have Demp in these situations?

We also stick by our previous theory: the morons that booed yesterday are the result of bad parents. We don't think Thunder Matt is a result of a bad parenting (maybe bad high school gym class experience) rather, we wonder if the playoff race has driven them slightly insane.

Finally, how about Geovany Soto... Rookie that calls all the pitches and rakes? Awesome. Simply Awesome. He's been TL's catcher of late and we've loved the way's Ted's pitched. Something to watch when you watch the game is how many times the pitcher shakes the catcher off. Kendall has been much better than Barrett. The jury is out for Soto but, this is something to watch.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Mail Bag: Thunderdome Edition

After last night's emotional victory, Sweet Lou gave the Ted Lilly Fan Club the day off so we packed up our jocks, gave Cliff Floyd the fist of power and made our way back to Fan Club HQ loft (in an undisclosed Chicago location for security reasons) to relax and soak up the accolades of yet another TL win.

We debated firing up the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer to make some Coke slushees, watch old beta-max tapes of TL's 1996 MLB amateur draft tryout and start mass producing "Don't Blame Me, I voted for Ted Lilly" bumperstickers in advance of next year's presidential election but instead decided to break out the ole Ted Lilly Fan Club Mailbag: Thunderdome Edition.

Is it true that the Ted Lilly Fan Club is close to creating a working cloning machine? If so, what's the goal? Scientific achievement or worldwide domination?--Andy White, Wilmette, IL

Well, Andy, while the TLFC R&D Department has been tinkering with a cloning machine since they watched that documentary, "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones" on HBO last month, we haven't finalized anything. However, if we did, our goal would not be scientific achievement or worldwide domination, our goal would be to clone an entire pitching staff with Ted Lillys. Lillyhammer curves 7 days a week.

What do you think is the key to the Cubs winning the Central this year? --Mike West, Guadalarja, Mexico.

Hola Mike..thanks for the question and glad to know that the TLFC's wit and satire spans south of the border (thank you very much NAFTA). While we've already covered the role of voodoo in the Cubs quest for the Central, we also think that Franco-American contingent on the Cubs (Theriot, Marquis, J. Jones) need to turn it up a bit, that Big Z needs to stop crying like some 4th grader with a skinned knee and Intern Richie needs to be allowed to make macaroni art before he pitches so he can get himself in a safe place.

We are on our way and currently stand with a game and a half lead over the Brewers in the Central.

Who'd win in a prison cage fight between Michael Vick and OJ Simpson?--Scott Bauer, Tempe, Arizona

Wow---extremely headline worthy question and a perfect excuse for us to answer it quickly before heading to confession. Normally, the smart money would be on Vick b/c he's younger and a better athlete but the Juice has, ummmm, errggghhhh, a killer instinct so we're going to have to go with Simpson. Just seems like he'd want it more. Next.....

My wife wants me to go to some boring work function this weekend but I'd rather attend the bachelor party of one of my buddies up in Wisconsin. What should I do?--Corby Marx, Northbrook, IL

The TLFC is not a licensed marriage counselor and, thus, should not be counted on for official relationship advice. However, given our success in the "Casual Encounters" section on Craig's List (Single White Fan Club seeking Companionship), we think that you should pull a Ferris Buellar and fake sick (you know, lick your palms). If that doesn't work, check in with the TLFC and we'll try to make a clone of you (see above) so you can fulfill your man-duties while your clone attends the Vagina Monologues.

Okay, friends, that's all for tonight. Frenchy Marquis enters the Thunderdome Friday......

Ted Lilly Calls Ted Lilly-Only Clubhouse Meeting, Pitches Cubs to Victory

7 innings.

2 earned runs.

8 strikeouts

1 walk.

Initially, we thought that those numbers might have some sort of supernatural meaning ala 4-8-15-16-23-42 in "Lost" (is Daryle Ward Hurley in this allusion then? Does that make TL Jack? Interesting). However, doing some math, we quickly determined that the numbers simply work out to an 8/1 strikeout to walk ratio (thank you for the assist Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer!) and an overall stellar game for the Cubs as they move back into 1st place in the Central.

While we thought that maybe our Milwaukee Brewers Voodoo doll was finally working (how's that hamstring Ben Sheets? tee hee hee) but, late last night, we got an email from a TLFC correspondent that told us that, before last night's game, Ted Lilly called a Ted Lilly-only Clubhouse meeting to make sure that everyone (=him) was ready for last nite's game.

Unfortunately, our spy wasn't able to hear all the details (Spytech anyone?), he did report hearing Ted call himself out for his lack of chiseled abs, Ted chastizing himself for not picking up the new Kanye CD yet (Faster, Stronger...) and, most importantly, for letting down the fans by not being able to pitch every single day for the Cubs (We don't fault you, Ted, we fault the system).

Needless to say, the TL-only meeting worked. Ted came out and pitched a great game. He lit a fire under the Riot, got the Bull jacked up and, according to our sources, bought three rounds of testtube shots late night at Beaumonts. Anyway you look at it, TL's a classy guy.

We also appreciate Dave van Dyck's Trib article about Lilly being the heart and sole of the squad. DVD has officially being awarded the 1st ever TLFCAOMFWBTPS (Ted Lilly Fan Club Award of Merit For Writing Better than Paul Sullivan). Congrats, Dave...well deserved.

Also, switching gears quickly, after reading through our failed attempts at satiricial comedy, do yourself a favor and click on over to Turning-Two.com, a Ryan Theriot Fan Site. It's a great site and, unlike the TLFC, provides intelligent, non-acronymed commentary on the Cubs. And who doesn't love the Riot? His 8th inning magic on the basepaths was the 2nd key to victory..

Frenchy goes tomorrow...

Ted Lilly Fan Club Rightly Celebrates Ted Lilly

That man, my friends, is Ted Lilly, one bad ass SOB. Three Days Rest. Warrior. Professional. Whatever. You want 7 plus innings, 2 Run, Professionally pitched baseball? You want it on 3 days rest? How about we throw in some uber bad ass- ness and tremendous ab's? Maybe some veteran lefty experience and an unflinching desire to win? Sound good? Guess what. You got that tonight. We'll have more to say about this tomorrow. Just realize that this man, Ted Lilly, is the reason the Cub's are in the play off hunt at all.

Brewers Draw First Blood as Ted Lilly Prepares to Enter the Thunderdome

Today's dispatch from the TLFC starts off with a quote from General George S. Patton:

"Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory".

Make no mistake, men, challenges lie ahead. We are in the battle of our lives. Brewers beat the Astros. Cubs lose to the Reds. Shared lead for the NL Central.

It's times like these when we need a someone to jump into the breach and lead us through the fire. That someone is Ted "Theodore Roosevelt" Lilly.

We can just imagine the sullen Cubs lockeroom today after last night's loss. Intern Richie is crying in the corner. Smarsh is on his T-Mobile Sidekick making reservations for a Sandals vacation in early October. Big Z is checking with his lawyers to see if he can opt out of his new contract and Sweet Lou is in the bathroom debating whether to grow another beard.

In walks TL...he shuts off the boombox, throws the Xbox 360 against the wall, flips over the catering table (pissing off Daryle Ward) and, with a Charles Manson-esque crazy look in his eye and hushed quiet, begins his speech.

"Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about the Cubs not wanting to win the Central, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bullshit. The Cubs I know love to fight. All real baseball players love the sting and clash of battle...We play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why the Cubs have never lost nor will ever lose a pennant on my watch; for the very idea of losing is hateful to a true Chicago Cub.

We're not going to just beat these sons-of-bitches, we're going to rip out their living goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our uber-nice SUVs....I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. Now let's go out there and kick some Cincinnati Red butt!!!!"

Chaos ensures....Everyone's fired up. D. Lee puts his head through a wall, A-Ram puts on Indian war paint, Daryle Ward picks up chicken wings off the floor and the Riot/FontenYes! decide to put together a homecoming float to get back at Dean Wormer and those damn Omegas...The fighting spirit is back. Let's do this...

Ted Lilly gets the ball tonight at 7:05....fire it up, America, TL and his band of warriors need you

Ted Lilly Fan Club House Band: 3 Dayz Rest

Remember when Big Z got booed? We know we don't talk about Big Z a lot around here. Maybe because he's righty or cause we think he's the second best pitcher on the team. Regardless, we've got a pretty low opinion Joe Average Cubs Fan and think it's ridiculous that they booed this guy or any other guy. What rational person thinks that paying 40 bucks gives them a right to yell at anyone else? People that boo are a result of bad parenting, no joke.

Why are we suddenly all fired up? Because Big Z, then Big T, take the mound on 3 days rest tonight and tomorrow. We also don't swear a lot around here, but we'll do a little of that right now. Earmuffs. These guys are fucking warriors. Anyone that's ever done anything athletic knows that it's very difficult to suddenly switch your routine. In between starts, a pitcher has defined stretches, throw sessions, and serious ab work. In addition, they probably wear the same underwear, eat the same meals, and make out with their wives in the same rotation. Its so important, in fact, that Olympic athletes often fly into the town of their competition weeks in advance to prepare. Simply put, this is a big deal and not easy.

We want to get this out there before tonight and tomorrow so that we frame our boys as underdogs, warriors, and definately not panzy's if they don't toss perfect games. The interns also really like the idea of naming their Ted Lilly Fan Club House Band (TLFCHB), "3 Dayz Rest." Though they play soft panzy rock, (a la Arcade Fire) Intern Richie plays a mean Keytar and Smarsh rocks the drums. We support them. You should too. Go Cubs, Go Big Z/T!

BTW, our Ted Lilly Fan Club Magic Infinity Ball has spoken.... Z going 6.1 strong with 2 ER and 4 H. Cubs win, extend the lead to 2.0 games, Barry Manlow appears on View before this week is out...Wow. Only for the cost of a Cheesy Beefy Melt and two drops of blood.

Cubs vs. Brewers Thunderdome: 12 Games--Two Teams Enter, One Team Leaves

"Remember where you are - this is Thunderdome, death is listening and will take the first man that screams"

It comes down to this: a twelve game season, Cubs up by a game in the Central, winner take all. This is the National League Central Thunderdome: two teams enter, one team leaves.

Instead of chainsaws, spears and bungee cords, we have Lillyhammers, intense stare downs and an increased focus on ab work. Ted Lilly and his loyal band of Warriors against the Milwaukee Brewers.

Cubs are obviously Mel Gibson (pre-antisemitic beliefs): Honest, Hard-working and Crafty. Brewers represent the goliath Master Blaster (Prince Fielder is the physical Blaster while Ned Yost is Master--the brains behind the operation).

We guess that makes the St. Louis Cardinals Tina Turner?

Rich Hill enters the Thunderdome tonight against resident dbag Bronson Arroyo....Fire it up, Ted Heads. Here's to the start of something beautiful...

Ted Lilly Fan Club Magic Infinity Ball

If you told us 10 days ago that the Cub's would come out of this road trip in first place, we'd have agreed with you completely and given you a firm handshake. We have "The Faith," do you?

Being that we can smell the post season like a trash can full of burning leaves, we've recently introduced the Ted Lilly Fan Club Magic Infinity Ball (TLFCMIB) to track the Cub's Post Season Chances. The big advantage that the TLFCMIB has over Baseball Prospectus' Post Season Odds Report and your traditional Magic Number metric is that we have exclusive access to the TLFCMIB and can control it's outcomes. That's better for you, Ted Head's, trust us.

Here's how it works. We give 10% of every meal to the TLFCMIB along with two drops of our blood and it gives us predictions to give to you... you benefit, we lose blood. We're not sure how it happens, it just does. For example. This morning, we gave TLFCMIB part of our tasty McGriddle Sandwich and the requesit plasma and here's what we got....

"Sam Fuld shines in Cub's 4-2 win, remain 1 up in division, 60% chance make playoffs, Owen Wilson will return to pre suicide status as humor and sex god."

... How insane is that? We'll still be running our TLFCIRPB and TLFCSC projections, but be this may be the ultimate predictive success tool. Ever.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Newswire: Magic Eight Ball Predicts Big Weekend

TGIATLW: Thank God It's A Ted Lilly Weekend.

Happy Friday Ted Heads...bumming around the Fan Club last nite with the Human Rain Delay on the 56" plasma, we got really excited about this upcoming weekend. Big four game set against the Red Birds in St. Louis (aka Chicago Jr.) with Big Z getting the ball tonight against Adam "Don't Call me Rufus" Wainwright as the Cubs stand a 1/2 game up on the Brewers in the NL Central Race.

Of course, this is all kid's play before Ted Lilly's Saturday start against Braden Looper. TLFC Super Computer is on the fritz (something to do with Fall allergies and/or Bill Bellichick) so we scrounged up a TLFCBOMMFTNE (Ted Lilly Fan Club Box of Magical Memories from the 1980s) and, inside, found a Magic Eight Ball (in addition to a picture from our 1st Sadie Hawkins dance in 1989 with our date Laura Morley, a cassingle of "Heaven is a Place on Earth" by Belinda Carlisle and, of course, a 1989 Steve Trout NY Yankees baseball card from Topps).

So, we sat the Fan Club down on a few bean bag chairs, put on the Enya and asked the Magic Eight Ball a few questions.

TLFC: "Magic Ball, we have a crush on Amy, the barrista at the local Starbucks where we load up on caffiene before every TL start. Do you think she likes us?

Magic Eight Ball: Try Again.

TLFC's second question: "Okay, Magic Eight Ball, do you think that the Ted Lilly will pitch a perfect game on Saturday?"

Magic Eight Ball: Outlook is very good.

Encouraged by the response from the 2nd question, we decided to try the 1st question again.

TLFC: "Again--Magic Ball, do you think that Amy, the local barrista at the nearby Starbucks likes the TLFC?
Magic Eight Ball: Do you mean "like" or "like like"? Answer to both is 'no.'

TLFC: "Magic Eight Ball, how would you describe Bud Extra?"

Magic Eight Ball: "Extra Smooth. Extra Delicioius"

TLFC: "Fine, Magic Eight Ball, how would you describe Ted Lilly's pitching prowess?"
Magic Eight Ball: "Extra Smooth. Extra Delicioius"

TLFC: That's a strange response.

TLFC: "Is it weird that we enjoy watching 'To Catch a Predator"?

Magic Eight Ball: "Not at all...I almost got caught once as user name 'Conebone 69' "

TLFC: "It got weird, didn't it?"

Magic Eight Ball: "Yep"

Ted Lilly Fan Club Newswire: Open Letter to Ryan Dempster

Dear Ryan,


Love,

TLFC.

ps. We're still on board with Demp... just really tormented by him. He's the "good touch / bad touch" of closers.

Ted Lilly Newswire: Dispatch from Monday's Game

An intrepid TLFC correspondent Drew Brennan, of Drew Brennan's Blog fame, sent in the following dispatch from Monday's Cubs Game:

***

Chicago, IL – In a rare moment, Ted Lilly’s glove decided to not only chew off his left thumb, but also go after his face. Luckily, members of the TLFC (although not confirmed) were on hand to tame Lilly’s glove and let him finish the game for his 15th victory.

Said an eyewitness, “Ted looked like he was being overwhelmed when all of a sudden, two guys came flying out of the stands and totally took control of the situation. They both had capes on and you could not see their faces as they were wearing masks. On their capes were the letters TLFC.”

Rumored to be at every game, but not showing their identities, the only rational solution to whom it was who came to Lilly’s rescue is that it was the infamous members of the Ted Lilly Fan Club. As Lilly was whisked away into the dugout, the crowd was stunned at the turn of events and the attacking nature of the glove. When Lilly re-emerged from the dugout looking in fine shape, everyone was amazed.

“It was as if nothing happened, he looked even better than he did at the start of the game. It even looked like they gave his uniform a clean,” said a die-hard Cub fan in attendance. After the game, Lilly could not tell what actually took place, but he did remark that he found a couple of weird bottles near his locker when he was changing after the game.

One had TLGAD across the front and the other had TLHTGH on its side. Through some Google searches, it can only be deduced that this was the work of Ted Lilly Glove Anger Dust to calm his glove down and Ted Lilly Human Thumb Growth Hormone to grow back the thumb. Rumored to have solutions for every situation, the TLFC really outdid themselves this time and once again came to the rescue of their hero.

If you ask this reporter, I think I know who the real heroes truly are. Lilly tried to thank the masked boys afterwards, but before he could, they were gone. Lilly quickly figured out who his rescuers were after the game when he looked above and saw in the dark, ominous sky a TLFC emblazed across the clouds. The call was made and the TLFC came to the rescue. “It’s like a guardian angel is watching over me.

I know that whatever deep, dark corner I get myself into, the TLFC will be there. I’m just saying,” Lilly was quoted as he left the clubhouse for the evening. Once again the TLFC proved that it is more than just a fan club. They proved that there are heroes in all of us.

Ted Lilly: He's Real and He's Spectacular

It's been a tough weekend for Chicago sports with the Bears loss, Trachsel's loss and Joe Buck somehow remaining in gainful employment so we really needed a pick-me-up.

--We debated pulling a sorority girl move and diving into a big tub of rocky road ice cream with a thick wooden spoon after some Sigma Chi breaks up with them

--We considered illicit drugs but quickly remembered the TLFC's clear "No Drugs" policy

--We even thought about re-renting "Road House" and watching the scene when Dalton cleans house for the 1st time but, not surprisingly, it was out at each of the 17 Chicago-area Blockbusters we visited

Then, it slapped us across the face like Britney Spears' flabby midsection when she eventually starts lapdancing (see what we did there? We inserted a headline news-worthy allusion...Comedy 101, kids, first lesson is free): Ted Lilly 2:20 start.

Despite ominous rain clouds and a hopped-up-on-goofballs Rick Ankiel in the opposing dugout, Ted grabbed the ball and went to work, grinding out 7 innings w/ 5 hits, 3 earned runs and 7 strikeouts not to mention a RBI double in the 4th.

Again, in our 100% biased perspective, he's the ace of the Cubs staff...

Make no mistake, Ted Lilly's real and he's spectactular.

Human Rain Delay Ruins Christmas

Dear Santa,

Hey, it's us, the TLFC. You might remember us from such letters as, Dear Santa Please Give the Cubs Ted Lilly (DSPGTCTL) or Dear Santa Please Get Little Richie A Dora The Explorer Backpack (DSPGLRADTEB), but now it's time for our biggest favor ever... Give us another TITLM.

Tomorrow TL takes the mound against ... well... we don't even care. We just know whom ever TL is facing is a giant D - Dag that needs to bow to TL's professionalism and dominance.

That's it Santa. All we want is A Truly Important Ted Lilly Moment (TITLM) and we won't tell Mrs. Claus about what went down in Cabo. We think that should make us about even.

Hope all is well. Please tell the elves we say hello.

Sincerely,

Ted Lilly Fan Club

Ted Lilly Answers the Call, Leads the Cubs to Victory

Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring.

[Picks up his iPhone] "Hello, this is Ted"

Ted, ummmm, this is God. Normally, I can take care of potentially catastrophic situations like floods, Keanu Reeves' career and Overnight Pete's reluctance to accept the fact that distributing drugs to schoolchildren is a bad idea but even this one is out of my hands. Simply put, we need you and your LillyHammer tonight.

"Ummmm, okay, God. I'll see what I can do tonight. I gotta go though, Jason Kendall wants to get a quick game of Guitar Hero in before the 7:05 start"

We here at the Fan Club think it's safe to say that not only did TL answer God's call and pitch a gem last night (going 6 innings, 2 ER, 3 SO and killing Jason Kendall in a Guitar Hero battle over RHCP's "Higher Ground" with 98% accuracy) but also established himself as the blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth leader of the Cubs pitching staff.

Zambrano might have the big contract, Intern Richie might make all the girls at McGees swoon and Marquis will always be the emcee of the Cubs' Annual Bastille Day Celebration at Pops Champagne but TL's the ace in our completely biased opinion. Every 5th day, he grabs his lunch pail, puts on his hard hat and goes to work. Simple. Honest. Virtuous.

Frenchy vs. Derek Lowe this afternoon at 1:20....

You Can't Spell "Ted Lilly Fan Club" without "TLC"

After some momentous occassions passed in the past few weeks (Intern Richie getting his first tooth, Overnight Pete being cleared of those "intent to distribute" charges etc.), the Fan Club has been in a bit of a sentimental mood.

Might be the Indian Summer messing with our core temperatures, maybe it's because our new NFL mancrush Greg Olsen is still questionable for Sunday's game...

Whatever the reason, we are just a bit emotional this morning especially with TL's start tonight against Eric Stults and the Dodgers as our lead shrinks to a half-game over the Brewers.

To verify these emotions, we punched in a boatload of data into the TLFC Super Computer including a clip of the infamous boombox scene from "Say Anything", 12 red roses (red means love), the song "My Heart Will Go On" from the Titanic soundtrack and a lock of hair from Paul Reiser of "mad about you" fame.

Not only did the SC verify the emotional state of the Fan Club, it also kept spitting out these three letters: T-L-C (break) T-L-C (break) T-L-C (break) T-L-C (break) T-L-C (break).

Ahhhhh....TLC, Tender Loving Care, Ted Lilly Fan Club....We get it now...

We need some TLC tonight as Teddy Baseball gets the start in a crucial game...So grab some chicken Tenders, Love those chicken tenders and take Care of those chicken tenders.

(Violent sobbing), Fire it up Ted Heads, Fire it Up....

Ted Lilly Fan Club: Brewing Up a Fresh Pot of Nonsense

Afternoon Ted Heads...and welcome back from the long Labor Day weekend.

We spent our holiday weekend around the FC loft trying to soak in the last few glimpses of summer and, in the process, brewed up a fresh pot of September nonsense. Let's go down the list:

1. Intern Richie, Smarsh and the TLFC Super Computer had a pretty bad ass squirt gun fight. Of course, it was all fun and games til Intern Richie slipped on the wet concrete and hurt himself. A few minutes of crying quickly followed by smiles after we gave him two scoops of Neopolitan ice cream in a waffle cone.

2. Alltime Cubbie Great* Steve Trachsel starts tonight against the Brooklyn Dodgers. Did you know that Stevey Boy was an All-Star in 1996? How about that Trachsel gave up Mark McGwire's record-breaking 62nd home run in the now infamous 1998 home run chase?
He even led all Chicago Cubs pitchers in wins in the 1990s.....

September Advertising Slogan for MLB: the National League Central: Who Wants It The Least?

3. Had a going away party for Rocky Cherry. Real sad actually. While we had the requisite cake, balloons and streamers, it was more of a wake than anything else. Fontenyes!, a big time Rocky Cherry fan and loyal member of the Ted Lilly Fan Club Blog and Podcast Network (TLFCBAPN), might have said it best, "Just doesn't seem right to trade Rocky away to Baltimore. I just loved him in that movie, 'Mask'. He treated people the right way and Cher was weirdly hot".

Truer words have never been spoken, Fontenyes!...

4. Season finales of Entourage and Flight of the Conchords. Both episodes sucked. Entourage is getting really close to jumping the shark and Flight of the Conchords' last episode of the season was about as cool as a swift kick in the junk, America's Funniest Home Videos-style. What happened here? TLFC od'd on Piven, the whole ignorant Kiwi thing is getting old and, dammit, we're waiting for Prison Break to start back up.

Let's do this: Human Rain Delay pitches at 7:05...

*By "Great", we mean "mediocre" and by "mediocre", we mean he's about as cool as a swfit kick in the junk (see Note #2 above).

Ted Lilly: Two Sport Star

In Between Starts, TL gets some reps in Bourbonnais

Again, thanks to Paul Sullivan, we're forced to reveal some intimate knowledge of TL that was once covered in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Privacy Policy (TLFCPP). In addition to being an accomplished Cage Fighter, Ted Lilly is an amazing football player.

From one of Mr. Sullivan's three (THREE!) articles in this mornings Trib...

"Ted Lilly was out throwing a football around in the outfield."

... We're sure everyone picked up on this, but it deserves repeating: Ted Lilly can bomb a football with his "weak" (ie right) arm. How impressive is that? Ted clearly wouldn't use his left arm in between starts to throw a football around, so it's got to be his right arm. Color us very impressed; when we try and throw a football with our off arms, our arm motion looks like Uncle Rico's and travels about 5 ft.

This is just another example of what kinda of an athlete this guy is... but we already knew that. Only because Mr. Sullivan spilled the beans are we allowed to reveal our TL football story:

Several weeks ago, we were hanging out, playing some street football, when all of a sudden our QB goes down with a horrific arm injury and then TL shows up and just says, "I'm in. I'm 'Q'"

He huddled us up. "Go long," he grumbled, "real long." We reminded Ted that we were only 5 yards from the burned out car that represented the end zone and he just stared at us. That shut us up. So we lined up, trips left, TL under center.

Ball snapped. We run. We blast through the bump and run and get some good separation. We glance back expecting a laser from Ted, but instead see TL scrambling to his right, under heavy pressure, and 30 yrds behind the line of scrimmage. We think he's screwed, we're opposite field from TL and he'd have to come across his body to get it to us.

Then the amazing happens. TL switches the football from his left to right arm and delivers a 35 yrd laser into our awaiting arms. We catch it and safely fall into a patch of used condoms and heroine needles for the win. We get up, wipe off ourselves and look to celebrate with Ted. He's gone. Into the air.

That's our story. And it's true.*

Zambrano today Ted Heads. Fire it up.

*This story is, in fact, not true.