TLFCIPF '08 #1 - Even If Healthy, the Boston Red Sox Will Struggle to Finish Third in the AL East

We're so excited for pitchers and catchers to report that we have to pee our pants. There. We just peed our pants. Relieved of that pressure, we are now free to walk you Ted Heads through a new series, the Ted Lilly Fan Club Insane Predictions for '08.
'08 will see fewer shiny, happy, people at Fenway

End of an era. Dawn of the Dynasty. The 2007 Red Sox did what they needed to do while their window was still open, win a World Series. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Picked by many to be the favorites to repeat in 2008, the Ted Lilly Fan Club predicts that the Boston Red Sox, even if healthy, will struggle to finish third in the AL East.

Some might say that this prediction comes as a result of the TLFC becoming entirely fed up with New England Sports and New England Sports fans and that we're "Hatah's." Those people would be right. However, that doesn't mean we can't wield our considerable knowledge of baseball to try to dent the fragile psyche of every member of Red Sox Nation. We'll use bullet points for this one, these make it easier to make bold blanket statements that are supported with little facts or spine.

• A-Rod is arguably the single greatest player of all time. 2008 will be the year he carries the Yanks through 162 games.
• Scott Rolen is back to being healthy and has a chip on his shoulder - that means one thing, "revenge."
• Starting Pitching. 'nuff said.
• The Rays are young and hungry.
• Manny's getting older.
• Sophomore slump - pitchers will figure out Ellsbury and Pedroia (Jerome Walton -esque flame out?)
  
• Regression to the mean.

Those are some pretty compelling issues that will plague the Red Sox in '08. Clearly, they'll have to "Cowboy Up," to just finish third in the AL East.

Up Next: TLFCIPF '08 - The Pittsburgh Pirates are the Best Team In Baseball

Selig Promotes Bodyguard to Head MLB Security,TLFC Promotes itself to Grand Poobah of Happy Land

You get anywhere near Ted, 'Evenjob' will take you down.

Phil Rogers, yee of New Hipster Glasses, "reports" (or fluffs his word count, however you chose to see it) in Sunday's Tribune that MLB has promoted Earnell Lucas to become "head of security and facilities" for Major League Baseball. We reckon that this is a pretty big job, especially tackling the issues of the Mitchell Report, the looming spector of terrorism, and the coach attacking fan base of the Chicago White Sox.

We respect these issues and acknowledge that we live in troubled times. The TLFC have always been concerned about security, instituting early on the Ted Lilly Fan Club Privacy Policy (TLFCPP) and the recent hire of our own "Evenjob" who serves as Ted Lilly Fan Club Bodyguard, Chauffeur, and Caddy (TLFCBCC). We've even convinced 'Evenjob' to pen an NL Central Preview for you Ted Heads in the coming weeks. You think we're joking.

You'd think that MLB would hire someone as qualified and experienced as George Mitchell was to tackle baseball's huge security issues... but you'd be wrong. Earnell's previous employment was as Bud Selig's bodyguard. Let us repeat, Bud Selig has a bodyguard.

We're not in a position to criticize Mr. Lucas' qualifications (he did used to be one of Milwaukee's finest) we'll simply imply that this was a horrific choice for such a huge job. However, we are in a position to criticize Bud Selig for having a bodyguard.

If Bud has to have a bodyguard, wouldn't it be rational to think that a pitcher or closer, people who receive real and emotional death threats, have more justification for protection? Sure, we can think of a number of reasons for some crazy to take the guy out, but why a bodyguard? Why not a "Security Detail" or "Security Team?" We're sorry, but a bodyguard gets us thinking about the dude that hung out with Tonya Harding and that creeps us out.

What does Selig's bodyguard do, taste his food before he eats it? Did he enter every door, gun drawn? Does he pick out girls for Bud to "meet" back stage? We can only dream.

Regardless, we welcome MLB's new, hard core, approach to the serious issues of security in baseball, with the appointment of someone so clearly experienced and independent. It's good to see baseball take the Mitchell Report seriously and make a move that benefits all its fans.*

* - by "benefits all its fans," TLFC actually means, "ensures that the problem continues and disregards any accountability from the steroid era."

Ted Lilly Fan Club Newswire: Fed Cuts Interest Rates, Slows TLFC Growth

In recent business news, Fed Chairman Ben Bernake made a strong move to keep the U.S. economy from sliding into a deep recession with a 75 basis point cut in its main base rate to 3.50 percent.

While this undoubtedly will have important ripple effects on the markets around the world, the real question becomes 'what does this mean for me?'

To answer that, the Ted Lilly Fan Club sat down with Murray Weidenbaum, current Princeton professor, former head of the Council of Economic Advisers and Chairman Emeritus of the TLFCFMAEPRAAC (Ted Lilly Fan Club Fiscal Management And Econonic Policy Research and Analysis Committee) to dive into our mail bag for a few select questions from our readers.

Remember...these are fake questions from real people

"What's a recession? And how does it affect me? I've been saving up my money in a old Sanka coffee can for 4 months to buy the latest Nintendo Wii game and would hate to lose it now"
-Rich Hill, Chicago, IL

Well, Richie, thanks for taking the time to write in and hope that you enjoyed the recent Lil' Cubs Kids Pizza Party at the Cubs Convention last weekend. As for a recession, Murray tells us that a recession can most easily be described as a downward turn in economic growth, traditionally characterized by a decline in the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) for two or more consecutive quarters. As for your Nintendo Wii game, we think you'll be ok. Just make sure to save your pennies, cash grandma's birthday check and you'll be playing "Super Mario Galaxy" and drinking Mt. Dew soon enough


"I'm a bit concerned about how the market turmoil will affect the growth of the TLFC. Are things going to be allright over there?"
-Ben Bernake, Washington, D.C.

Appreciate the concern, Ben. Truth be told, the market turmoil has definitely affected our current growth strategy. On a broad scale, we've had to shelve the idea of officially incorporating the TLFC in the Grand Caymans ("Firm" style) and booking flights on Virgin Galatic's first shuttle ride to the moon which would have allowed us to utilize our training from Tommy Barlett's Robot World in the Wisconsin Dells.

On a smaller scale, we've had to make smaller sacrafices around the HQ. We fired TLFC House Mom Brenda and replaced her with a ratty old picture of Ann B. Davis ("Alice") from the Brady Brunch. To raise cash, we've organized an arranged marriage for the TLFC Super Computer with Vicki from "Small Wonder" in order to get her dowry and we've even had to eliminate our annual President's Day 5K Race for Charity. It's belt tightening time but we'll be ok...


"As of today, there are 23 days left til pitchers and catchers can officially report to Spring Training. Any tips on how I can kill time til then?"
-Tim Lahey, Northbrook, IL

The conspiracy theory in us might reply with some crazy "number 23" numerology rant but we thought that'd be quasi-irresponsible and highly inappropriate (like an ill-timed Heath Ledger joke). Instead we'd recommend a three-part off-season conditioning program that'll get you in good shape (mentally, physically and spiritually) for the start of season.

Part 1: Ab work. ab work. ab work. We've said it once, we've said it a million times. It'll help you on the diamond shagging grounders, it'll help you at Casey Morans pick up trashy DePaul co-eds. Get in the gym and make this happen.

Part 2: Charity work. TL spends time helping kids learn to read (as part of the Ted Lilly Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good). Nicolas Negroponte sells laptops for the price of Guitar Hero III and the TLFC *usually* hosts a President's Day 5K for Charity. Charity Work: Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Part 3: Highlights for Children. Sure, this probably reeks of "Paul Sullivan Creepy" but, c'mon, we've all read it sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, we've all tried to figure out the differences between two pictures so let's just call it out here. "Highlights for Children" is a great way to keep your mental acuity sharp while also up-to-date on Hannah Montana's recent tour. Win-win in our books.

23 days, Ted Heads, fire it up...

Ted Lilly Teaches Children Importance of Reading, Being Bad Ass

The Ted Lilly Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good

The Cubs PR department really baffles us: first Kelly Pickler, now this... the Cubs Caravan next Wednesday and Thursday. While clearly well intentioned, the Caravan actually is a roving train of disappointment and childhood confusion. Little Johnny - struggling to overcome some terrible disease, or really committed to finally learn to read today - gets all excited to see his favorite Cubs player, but instead gets treated to WGN play-by- play personality, Cory Provus, and former Peoria Chiefs (A- Cubs) Relief Stud (and friend of the blog) Rocky Roquet.

Don't get us wrong, we'll be there. We've been asked to chaperone Intern Richie for his field trip plus, we're pretty stoked about meeting Randy Bush and asking Geovany Soto hair care questions. But those are minor pieces of joy, like stocking stuffers or the bread at Flat Top Grill. The real piece of news is that Ted Lilly will be there.

Ted's only scheduled to take part in Thursday's "Group 2" events, but that's all he really needs to make an impact. As part of the Cub's "Focus on Reading," Ted will first bring kids up to speed with new- age Montessori reading techniques and then move on to reading signs from Geovanny - then promptly shaking him off. Ted will then promise to dedicate one of next year's twenty wins to a sick kid, thusly providing inspiration to kick cancer's ass.

We're excited to see how awkwardly this actually goes. Let's be honest, a lot of major league baseball players aren't rocket scientists and these guys can't be too happy to be hanging out in the off season in the Chicago winter. At least at the Cub's convention there are groupies and booze, at the Caravan there's a 50/50 chance you're going to catch the flu. Awesome, hope to see you there.

Ted Lilly Fan Club New Years Resolution #3: Happy Birthday Ted Lilly

TGIF Ted Heads... As Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend" blares out over the Fan Club's hi-fi system, it's not only the end of the work week for most of us blue collar Ted Heads out there in bloggy blog land but today also signals the third and final installment of the TLFC's three part series of New Years Resolutions and what a final resolution it is...

Our final resolution for 2008 couldn't come at a more appropriate time...in addition to unfairly making fun of Paul Sullivan (and his locker room lurking ways) and World Peace, we resolve to celebrate and honor Ted Lilly on his 32nd birthday today so, without further ado, happy birthday Ted.

We've got streamers up all around the Fan Club loft...Intern Sammy Fuld is four pieces of ice cream cake deep already (he's going to sleep well tonight) and the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer is printing out a dot-matrix HAPPY BIRTHDAY TED sign as we speak.

We assume that some other folks are trying to organize some bday shenanigans (i.e. Paul Sullivan and his stranger danger birthday spank machine) but we wanted to play our part and just say thanks. Sure, it might get emotional like the end speech of "Patch Adams" but it's been a good 365 days and we here at the offical unofficial Fan Club wish you a happy and a healthy.

Since we're also history buffs, we wanted to also let everyone know that, in addition to the hard throwing, crafty lefty from Torrance, CA, other January 4th birthdays include Louise Braille, ambiguously gay Dave Foley of "Kids in the Hall" fame, even more ambiguously gay Michael Stipe of R.E.M. and, of course, former Bull standout and star of the movie "Eddie" Corie Blount.

While rumors abound that TL will be spending his big day at the Chuck-E-Cheese located at 5030 South Kedzie Avenue, we suspect that, true to his nature, he'll celebrate by refocusing on his ab work, teaching blind kids how to read and beating the sudoku puzzle in today's Red Eye.

Happy Birthday Ted...hope you enjoy the present we sent. It's a Ferrari Testarossa model kit which we don't mind saying is pretty bad ass.

First Church of Ted...Mass Every Fifth Day.

Ted Lilly Fan Club New Years Resolution #2: World Peace

Happy New Years Ted Heads...

We are well-rested from our holiday sojourn and back home at the Fan Club loft in an undisclosed Chicago location (calendar might say that it's a new year but we still have the same ole TLFC stalkers).

Santa Ted brought us a new laptop for Christmas so, in keeping consistent, here's the 2nd installment of our New Year's Resolutions.

While it's slightly less important than our ongoing feud with TLFC arch-nemesis Paul Sullivan, the second Ted Lilly Fan Club New Years Resolution for 2008 is.....World Peace.

Good friend of the blog, leader of the Catholic Church and God's representative on Earth, Pope Benedict XVI spotlighted world peace during his traditional New Year's Day mass. Said Benedict, "At the beginning of a New Year, I wish to send my fervent good wishes for peace, together with a heartfelt message of hope to men and women throughout the world".

Now, many of you Ted Heads out there in bloggy blogland might think that we're stretching it a bit with this resolution but we think that the goodness of Ted Lilly and the heartfelt message of humanity that he displays every fifth day is an ideal foundation for world peace.

Striking out evil with every Lillyhammer pitch...
Crushing apathy with every bench clearing brawl...
Giving hope to millions with every drag bunt...

Of course, that means that, again, TL will start to take on messanic overtones but we've already gone down that road with the earlier TLFC Footsteps poem so we're very comfortable with it.

Fire it up, 2008 Ted Heads, fire it up indeed....