Ted Lilly Fan Club Spring Training Report: Beast Light

Anyone else remember this HR? We think the Brewers do.

PHOENIX - Milwaukee's Best (aka The Beast) is the definitive alcohol drink for broke high school and college men throughout the Midwest. The Beast is a nostalgic beer that reminds many of youthful idiocy - roadies, beer bongs, whip its, etc. In fact, we still get excited when one of the interns brings a case of the Beast back to the HQ, "Hey it's Beast!" we howl, or "Who bought the Beast Lite?" we rejoice. But let's be honest, once you get past the excitement, Beast tastes bad. It stinks. You wonder, "why am I drinking this?"

This carefully crafted metaphor is a perfect parrallel to the 2008 Milwaukee Brewers - once you get past the excitement of a resurgent team, you discover the reality that this team isn't as good as your excitement has made them to be. The "improvements" made by GM Doug Melvin aren't really improvements at all, they're uncreative attempts to plug the holes that were exposed in last years epic collapse.

Take Eric Gagne for example. Our favorite goggle wearing Canadian is two years removed from elbow surgery, one year removed from steriod allegations, and six months removed from almost getting demoted to AAA Pawtuket. Clearly, this is the guy you sign for ten million to hold down your bullpen and replace Cordero. Clearly.

Take Mike Cameron. While we loved Cam'ron's 2002 Come Home With Me album, we can't say we liked his 2007 joint, Drop On Me A 25 Game Suspension For Banned Stimulants. Apparently, Melvin and the national media didn't mind this particular diddy. You see, everyone has been fawning over how acquiring Cameron will allow Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun to move to Left and Bill Hall to third, which will vastly improve the 'Crews NL worst defense. We disrespectfully disagree. Cameron is old, frail, and isn't the solution they need for the whole season. If they were serious about upgrading their defense, why not sign someone like Corey Patterson, stick his K - tastic bat low in the order? Why sign a guy that's got a chance to break down and already will miss 15% of the season? Mark our words, Bill Hall will play many games in Center and Braun may see third again.

Take the Brewers rotation... please. Must admit, we really heart Ben Sheets, but the over under on his starts missed is always around five. Look past Sheets and we see luminaries like Chris Capuano, David Bush, and Jeff freaking Suppan. Yovani Gallardo has nasty stuff, but will can he deal for 180 Innings? It isn't the worst rotation in the league, but it doesn't compare to the Cubs.

Last years collapse. That's something you don't just, "get over." We think the '07 Brewers team suprised themselves a little with such a hot start and once talking heads started to chirp about the Brewers as the "team to beat," they caved. Down the stretch clubhouse anarchy + Pitching Disasters = Sitting on couch watching Playoffs. This team now has the curse of knowing it can compete and have yet to show they can handle that pressure. We don't think they'll get off to a quick start in '08 and if they figure it out, it'll be too late, Cubs will be gone.

We're not saying that this team is anywhere near the sucktitude of the Cards or Pirates. Braun and Fielder are studs. Corey Hart is disgustingly good with great hair, always a transcendently powerful combination. But on the nights when the offense gets shut down, they give up runs. What we're saying is that this team can not compete with the Cubs, in '09 maybe, but nows not the time to get excited.

Weekend Recap: Ted Lilly Picks Up Oscar

In an evening with enough glitz, glamor and Seacrest to please a Pride parade, the 80th Academy Awards delivered as promised Sunday night, offering up traditional Hollywood fare (= Tom Cruise passing out Scientology pamphlets outside the Kodak Theater) alongside a few surprises (= Hal Holbrook not dying during the ceremony).

While "No Country For Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood" lead the pre-Oscar headlines, a surprise win by TLFC fav and Chicago Cubs opening day pitcher Ted Lilly helped steal a little of their thunder and bring some pride back to the city of Chicago (sorry, Obama Camp, we're not buying your native son image).

In the category of Biggest Alpha Male, Ted Lilly pulled the upset and took home the Oscar over such perennial favorites as George Clooney ("Michael Clayton") and Viggo Mortensen ("Eastern Promises") and rising superstars like Javier Bardem ("No Country for Old Men").

Backstage, Lilly was clearly in an emotional state as he stepped to the podium with Oscar in hand to meet his public.

"I just want to thank everyone for their continued support over the years. To my trainer Scott Bauer, you've always pushed me to be the best. To Jesus, for keeping me grounded and reminding that you were the original Alpha Male and, most of all, to the Ted Lilly Fan Club, a very sincere and heartfelt thank you---this Oscar is proof that you guys at the TLFC like me, you really like me."

Lilly continued, "...but this award is not for me, it's not about Ted Lilly. This award goes out to all those kids out there, all those lil Ted Heads that no one has ever given a chance. Deaf. Dumb. Blind. Southside Chicago born. It doesn't matter what disability you have or challenges you're facing...With some hard work, dedication to your abs and the will to be Ted Lilly, you too can be up here on this stage."

Unfortunately, after a slight security scare, TL's remarks were cut short when a deranged fan, later identified as Cubs beat reporter Paul Sullivan, tried to rush the podium and hug Ted. A few roundhouse kicks from Chuck Norris, TL buddy and personal bodyguard, quickly settled Paul down before Oscar security could arrive.

Of course, as most Ted Heads already know, TL's Oscar can now sit on his award mantle next to his Grammy (for his spoken word album 'It Takes a Lillyhammer to Build a Village'), his Razzie (for his ill-timed appearance in the Dennis Rodman/Jean Claude Van Damme movie 'Double Team') and Nobel Prize (for his Ted Lilly Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good).

Fire it up, Ted Heads...we're getting close.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Spring Training Report: St. Louis Cardinals

Like Rick, TLFC Scores Our "Stuff" Under The Docks

Jupiter, FL. - This spring, Rodger Dean Stadium is full of sun, baseball, and the lifeless remnants of a once proud NL Central power - the St. Louis Cardinals.

Truth be told, we have no love for the overly pretentious organization and fan base of the St. Louis Cardinals. Their rep as a good baseball city with "true fans" is simply wrong and bothers us to no end. We will give no supporting evidence to this broad statement, but its true because that's what our Dad's told us. Dad's also told us that inverted parabolas suck, so we hate those too.

With so much hate, TLFC is going to love this years Red Bird campaign. Let's quickly go over five of the stories we'll be following through the spring and into the summer:

1) Matt Clement is the #4 starter. This is same bearded warrior the we used to love, except for one minor problem... his arm doesn't work. Clement has spent the better part of his post Cubs career in the infirmary and, get this, didn't pitch at all last year! That's a qualtity #4 Ted Heads. Who's 5? Kent Mecker or Andy Pratt?

2) Rick Ankiel = HGH. Ok, we know the guy is an "athlete," a "warrior," and "always a good hitter." We also know he was trained as a pitcher for the better part of his life and then suddenly started hitting at a major league caliber level. That means one thing: He's all cranked out on Horse Tranquilizers, sleeping with transsexual Thai boys, and microwaving kittens. (We actually like the Ankiel story but are required, as Cub fans, to make blanket accusations about Cardinal players)

3) Troy Glaus not Scott Rolen but also does = HGH. The challenge trade that sent Scott Rolen to the Blue Jays made us giddy. Rolen, always a Cub killer, was a scary guy to face. We cowered in front of the TLFCHQ 72 inch plasma whenever he stepped to the plate. We're pretty excited that the comedic stylings of Troy Glaus will now grace the Hot Corners of NL Central ballparks. He's good for 20 HR's and that's it. Rolen's a warrior, glad to see him go.

4) Albert Pujols 120 game season killing fantasy teams. We respect Pujols. We do. If he is healthy, when all is said and done, this guy is going to be an inner circle Hall of Famer. Unfortunately, he's not healthy. Rumors of elbow surgery, persistent plantar faciitis (had it, sucks), a fun case of The Run's caused by the Jupiter Crab House (we've also had 'Bad Crabs,' and it sucks) all combined with a crap-tastic Red Bird team means that the Cardnals brass is eventually going to shelve their star at the first sign of pain. This is a guy they whose career is key to rebuilding this team, they understand that and will limit his time. Don't Draft Him.

5) End of La Russa Era. We never have understood how a guy who wears sunglasses at night is widely considered a genius. La Russa's game management as predictably frustrating as is Joe Buck's ridiculous monotone and if we wore sunglasses around at night, we'd be considered pedophiles. Give him his props, The Russa won a lot of games and has a World Series title, but given the rebuilding era and the new GM in 'The Lou,' we bet he announces retirement to a life of vegan animal hugging by August. Good Riddence.

Yes, we're in a bad mood and this report probably wasn't fair. We don't care. This is the Cardinals we're talking about, we show them No Mercy! We expect the Cub's to do the same. Next up, the Brewers.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Spring Training Report: Houston Astros

TLFC cub reporter, Drew “Scoop” Brennan filed the following report from Kissimmee, Florida, home of Disney World, the Silver Spurs Arena and Houston Astros spring training:

Between the Disney Park Pass (TLFC Super Computer loves visiting family at Epcot Center) and the Universal Studios Mummy ride, we barely had time to get over to spring training. However, once at Astros camp, we noticed all sorts of buzz and excitement this morning. Osceola County Stadium parking lot filled with a number of cars with WWEWD (What Would Ed Wade Do?) stickers, sale on Astrohs Beer at the ole food court and B12 shots for anyone who’s interested.

Camp news and notes:

-Fresh off his round of media interviews yesterday, Miguel Tejada spent the early morning, sitting in front of a mirror in his locker, perfecting his Sammy Sosa Spanglish defense. “I. ummm, no take HGH, no quiero. Yo no Raffy”—a not so veiled reference to former Orioles teammates Rafael Palmerio.

-Ed Wade going to player to player, reporter to reporter and fan to fan to solicit their votes in ESPN’s annual Worst GM poll. Current standings has Ed Wade a distant fourth behind Isiah Thomas of the New York Knicks (2nd highest payroll, 4th worst record in NBA), Twins GM Bill Smith for the fire-sale of Santana for four prospects and a kick in the junk and Clinton Campaign Manager Maggie Williams (Obamania---Catch the Fever!).

-Hunter Pence, tanned, rested and relaxed after a nice long soak in the hot tub. Paul Sullivan, Cubs beat reporter, seen creeping nearby w/ a Stranger Danger grin on his face.

-Fat Elvis Berkman doing his famous Chunk impersonation from “Goonies” by eating copious amounts of rocky road ice cream and Baby Ruth candy bars (Cecil Cooper as Sloth?). Further absurdity ensured when he then engaged an Astros ball boy in a hot dog eating contest. 10 year old Mikey Driscoll didn’t know what hit him…

-Woody Williams checking the obits of the Houston Chronicle online to confirm that he isn’t in fact dead…just an incredibly old, incredibly unreliable right-hander who should have retired about the same time the Simpsons were still clever and Bush was celebrating "Mission Accomplished" on an aircraft carrier.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Spring Training Report: Absolute Hot Tub Cockfighting Madness

Image courtesy of AZcubs.com; workmanlike, focused, intensity courtesy of Ted Lilly.

The signing of Alex "Absolute" Cintron really doesn't mean much. He's cheap "talent" and provides as a suitable backup of the backup. While yes, there is a bevy of weak hitting infielders that Cubs already have in Camp. We've already stated our preference for Ron Cendeno as slappy infielder du jour and are going to stick with that horse. Ron's got the tinyest little bit of upside without the arm surgery of Cintron (elbow chips- ouch!) and is several years younger. Ultimately, we don't care about this. At all.

What we do care about is the shocking return of the Spring Training Hot Tub Related Injury (STHTRI.) It's widely known that Mesa, AZ is home of the TLFCFBCAIL (Ted Lilly Fan Club Fantasy Baseball Camp and Instructional League), but what's less widely known is that within the TLFCFBCAIL is the Ted Lilly Fan Club Hot Tub Injury Research and Rehab Center (TLFCHTIRARC).

On the one year anniversary of Kerry Wood being attacked by his hot tub, Houston Astro Hunter Pence was also viciously attacked, via espn.com:

"It's pretty silly that this kind of a freak accident happened," Pence said.

Pence said he was in a hot tub at the home where he's staying and got out to use the bathroom. He had left the door open, but didn't noticed that a friend had just closed it. He hit it with his shoulder, leg and head and it shattered.

This must stop! The TLFCHTIRARC can not undertake this alone! You simply can't negotiate with hot tubs, they have no reason! Damn you! Haven't we learned enough from years and years of "Road Rules/Real World" Gauntlets? Good things do not come from hot tub shenanigans--only bad things like dermatis (aka hot tub rash) and illegitmate children of Eric Nies.

We propose a full scale investigation into a problem and suggest former US Representative "Hot Tub" Tom Delay to lead the inquiry or even Teddy "three scotches" Kennedy. Call trainers (and Hot Tub technicians) from each major league team. Compel Hot Tub providers across the US to provide checks written by MLB players for Hot Tub and other dangerous water rehab instruments. You think the Endless Pool is safe? You're f*$#(ing wrong. Dead wrong.

However, if you think we're bored of Spring Training right now, you're right. We'll take a split squad game, just give us anything... we can only read so many BRob rumors and terrible cockfighting stories. BTW, why isn't that a bigger story? Not that we want it to be, but you'd think national media might absolute murder Ramirez over this.

That being said, we'll take our rooster, little Jerry Seinfeld, any day of the week...

Fire it up, NRI Ted Heads...

Ted Lilly Fan Club Open Letter to The New York Times.

Image above from the now second worst case of yellow journalism

There are moments in life where you must take a stand. This is one of them. In yesterday's New York Times, Business/ Entertainment journalist David Carr took a swipe at Ted Lilly. The letter below was sent to him, his editor, and the Pope. We look forward to their response.

February 13th, 2008

Dear Mr. Carr,

We find your recent article, "Who Won The Writers Strike," deeply offensive. Your swipe at Cub's pitcher Ted Lilly was unreasonable, unwarranted, and uninformed. You write:

"Every few years, the baseball owners announce that there's a new austerity in the air and that they won't overspend on players. But just before spring training starts, they get nervous and suddenly sign a pitcher like Ted Lilly - the baseball equivalent of an assistant gag writer on "Two and a Half Men" - gets something like 10 million."

We certainly understand the point you are trying to make - panicked general managers often grossly overpay for the services of a player based on public relations or an unwarranted bidding frenzy caused by astute agents, despite the availability of cheaper, equally substitutable talent . We imagine the same occurs in the television industry, where writers and actors are often paid based on a shaky, at best, reputation. The name Aaron Sorkin comes to mind.

Where you seriously err is throwing Ted Lilly into this category. While we are clearly biased in favor of Mr. Lilly, the facts of his career, and 2006 signing by the Cubs, will speak to the grossness of your error.

• According to Baseball Prospectus' widely respected, computer generated, VORP statistic, Ted Lilly was the 24th best pitcher in baseball in 2007, 10th best in the National League. There are 32 teams in baseball, indicating Ted Lilly would be a number one starter on most teams. This includes the New York Yankees, where Chien-ming Wang had a slightly better VORP. Andy Pettitte (16 million salary) was 41st in VORP.

• Given the market for pitchers, Ted Lilly's contract is considered a bargain. Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano has recently signed for roughly 18.3 million a year, despite having a higher ERA then Ted Lilly. Would the Yankee's rather have had Rodger Clemens (22 million) or two Ted Lilly's (15 - 8, 174 K's) and 2 million in cash during 2007. We would have rather had two Ted Lilly's, but we've tried to clone him and have yet to be successful.

• Ted Lilly was signed by Jim Hendry at Baseball's annual winter meetings in early in December, 2006, two months before the start of spring training - hardly the "nervous" situation you imply.

• Two and a Half Men is hilarious, ergo, the assistant gag writer is a tremendous asset for the writing staff.

Clearly, you have misrepresented Ted Lilly and his relative worth to your readership. As a respected and honorable journalist, we hope that you do the right thing and issue a retraction. Until this occurs the Ted Lilly Fan Club will not purchase, although we may read, the New York Times.

Sincerely,

Ted Lilly Fan Club

http://tedlillyfanclub.blogspot.com

Ryan Theriot, Infield Predator

If this is wrong, let us never be right...

John Mutka's recent Indiana Post- Tribune article on Ryan Theriot has been the hot topic among some of our favorite bloggers. We don't know who found the now famous "Infield Predator" comment, but we first were horrified over at Fire Joe Morgan.

Our above contribution goes the vein of some of the insanity occurring at The Other Fifteen... jump over there for some other good stuff.

PECOTA on Ted Lilly, "Mediocre in 2008." TLFCSC on BP, "Geeks."

We respect the Nerd Herd over at Baseball Prospectus; these guys exist on a higher plane of brain power than we could ever hope. We buy their books, we subscribe to their website, and we supported them wholeheartedly at last week's Magic "The Gathering" Midwest Super Regionals.

So we were completely blindsided with the release of their 2008 PECOTA projection for Ted Lilly. We're not to fond of lawsuits (especially with our history) so we aren't going to distribute their subscription data via TLFC... but if we did, and we're not, it might look something like this: 10 -10.

Excuse us? We understand that all this math is based on complex algorithms and represents only a weighted mean projection, but where's the human fail-safe to ensure a bogus projection like this doesn't get published. This is the most egregious over confidence in computing since the W.O.P.R and we all know how that worked out... Matthew Broderick's career.

For fun, we had the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer (TLFCSC) run our own 2008 Ted Lilly Projection. We inputed his Ted's stats, ran some comps, killed a chicken, and flipped the switch just like we always do. The TLFCSC just looked at us funny, almost asking, "You guys serious?" We entered, "Yes." and out came this line:

18 -8, 210 IP, 185 K, 3.54 ERA and one serious Cy Young consideration.

Interestingly, when we entered, "Baseball Prospectus," TLFCSC kicked out:

100% chance all are nerds. Give Me Your Lunch Money

Ted Heads. Pitchers and Catchers report in 6 days...

Pre-Super Tuesday, Ted Lilly Fan Club Officially Endorses Ted Lilly

In the lead up to the Super Tuesday primaries, there has been a ton of speculation about which candidate the Ted Lilly Fan Club might officially endorse with constant disagreement and heated rhetoric around the TLFC breakfast nook.

Traditionally, we've stayed away from the political arena (especially after our failed support of Paul Tsongas in 1992) but, after many emails and pleas, we've decided to answer the call and speak out but not without internal struggle:

TLFC Super Computer has been a Hillary supporter ever since Bill smoked that cigar in 1996...

Overnight Night wears a "Ron Paul" button at the TLFC bi-monthly management meetings...

Our intrepid cub reporter, Drew "Scoop" Brennan has an avowed man-crush on both Mitt Romney and Mitt Romney's hair...

However, after much deliberation, the Ted Lilly Fan Club has decided to throw their weight behind the candidacy of Ted Lilly in the upcoming elections.

Sure, we absolutely recognize that Ted is not officially running for an elected position but, in these days of Islamic terror, proposed flat tax ammendments and healthcare reform, we feel that Ted is the right man to lead this great nation forward, heal these partisan wounds and deal with the troubling issues of our day. Plus, according to the latest Rasmussen/Zogby poll, a TLFC endorsement should provide a 5%* bump to the chosen candidate (* with a +/- 5% margin of error)

Nuclear threats and agression from Iran? One single lillyhammer pitch to the throat of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should take care of that...

Possible anti-trust implications surrounding Microsoft potential acquisition of Yahoo!? Ted can tactifully deal with that situation as easily as shaking off a Giovanni Soto signal (yes--we insist on using the Italian-American spelling of his name dammit)

Need for a real solution to the health care crisis in America? Who else but Ted can bring people together for a cause--see his work with childhood literary via the Ted Lilly Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good as one example.

Now, more than ever, we need Ted Lilly to anchor the rotation....of the United States.

Ted Lilly for Change 2008.

PECOTA on Ted Lilly, "Mediocre in 2008." TLFCSC on BP, "Geeks."

We respect the Nerd Herd over at Baseball Prospectus; these guys exist on a higher plane of brain power than we could ever hope. We buy their books, we subscribe to their website, and we supported them wholeheartedly at last week's Magic "The Gathering" Midwest Super Regionals.

So we were completely blindsided with the release of their 2008 PECOTA projection for Ted Lilly. We're not to fond of lawsuits (especially with our history) so we aren't going to distribute their subscription data via TLFC... but if we did, and we're not, it might look something like this: 10 -10.

Excuse us? We understand that all this math is based on complex algorithms and represents only a weighted mean projection, but where's the human fail-safe to ensure a bogus projection like this doesn't get published. This is the most egregious over confidence in computing since the W.O.P.R and we all know how that worked out... Matthew Broderick's career.

For fun, we had the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer (TLFCSC) run our own 2008 Ted Lilly Projection. We inputed his Ted's stats, ran some comps, and killed a chicken, and flipped the switch just like we always do. The TLFCSC just looked at us funny, almost asking, "You guys serious." We inputed, "Yes." and out came this line:

18 -8, 210 IP, 185 K, 3.54 ERA and one serious Cy Young consideration.

Interestingly, when we inputed "Baseball Prospectus," TLFCSC kicked out:

100% chance all are nerds. Give Me Your Lunch Money

Ted Heads. Pitchers and Catchers report in 6 days...

Spurned Gisele Heads to Super Bowl To Try and Get Over Ted Lilly

In a story ripped from the pages of Shakespeare or US Weekly, intrepid Ted Lilly Fan Club cub reporter, Drew "Scoop" Brennan has learned that supermodel Gisele, spurned by Ted Lilly, has shown up in Arizona to try and, "get TL off my mind," while she supports Tom Brady, aka Ted Lilly Jr., as he quarterbacks the New England Patriots on Sunday.

Rumors of Gisele's pursuit of TL has dogged MLB clubhouses for years, beginning with Ted's stint with the LA Dodgers in 96 which coincided with Gisele's photo shoot for Generra Hypercolor t-shirts.

Things only got worse for Gisele during TL's tenure with the Yankees as she reportedly suffered a minor mental breakdown after being denied access to the VIP section during Paul O'Neil's birthday party at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club. In response, Gisele supposedly went home and turned all Single White Female, triming her hair into a boy cut, putting on TL's #43 jersey and demanding to be called "Ted". No confirmation on whether she was able to perfect Ted’s Lillyhammer ‘out’ pitch.

Situation culminated when, last season at the friendly confines of Wrigley, a distraught Gisele appeared in the left field bleachers with a posterboard with "Ted, It's Your Baby" hastily written in lipstick in an obvious attempt to initiate any communication with the Cubs star left-hander.

Said Ryan Theriot, "Just sad...I mean, sure—She dated Leo and he's no Ted Lilly but who is? Jesus? Maybe that bearded guy from the Dos Equis commercials?. She’s got a silver medal backup with "Tom What's his name" which is still pretty good."

Upon being reached for comment at his Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good, TL just politely smiled and turned down all requests for comment, instead deciding to focus his energies into creating a perpetual motion machine and rebuilding the Gaza Strip wall one brick at a time.

Fire it up, Super Bowl Ted Heads.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer prediction: New England 31, New York 17.