Ted Lilly Fan Club-Miss Work; Safe At Home World Series Promotion

CHICAGO (10/29/2008)-Again teaming up with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois, the Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC) today announced the second annual Ted Lilly Fan Club-Miss Work; Safe At Home World Series Promotion (TLFCMWSAHWSP).

Conceived as a response to Taco Bell’s ludicrous World Series promotion, “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco,” where Taco Bell will give away one free taco to every American if a base is stolen during the World Series, the TLFCMWSAHWSP was developed to draw attention to the eventual medical epidemic that will result when millions of Americans consume fast food tacos made from sub-prime meat and questionable sauces.

“What Taco Bell missed and the TLFC recognized is what will undoubtedly occur after 300 million tacos are consumed--I’m talking about diarrhea on a biblical scale,” said BCBS CEO John Q. Brodsky. “We are talking about a crisis on a biblical scale and applaud the TLFC for bringing this issue to the forefront. We look forward to working with them to alleviate the lost man hours and decrease in productivity associated with that amount of poop.”

This morning, the Ted Lilly Fan Club Research & Development Division (TLFCRADD) reported that, due to Jason Bartlett of the Tampa Bay Rays stealing a base, everyone in the United States was able to get a free taco at Taco Bell next yesterday between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. local time. Using the same forecasting equipment used to predict the hurricane season, the TLFCRADD forecasts that the 27% of Philly and 15% of Tampa will be crippled on Halloween due to the free taco.

Recovery time should be less than the months for Katrina but affected baseball fans should plan on logging a lot of bathroom time and should prepare with multiple magazines, sudoku puzzles and air freshner.

“First Hurricane Ike, then Hurricane Katrina and now this?” said tropical storm expert and TLFCRADD Chairman emeritus, Dr. William Gray. “After looking at the natural cycle of ocean water temperatures and Taco Bell’s ingredient list, I believe that we are looking at possibly the most severe food constipation issue since Long John Silver’s ill-fated "Cabin Boy" promotion from 1994.”

Attempts to reach Al Gore for his perspective on how this promotion will ultimately affect global warming were unsuccessful.

and yes, we realize this is a repost, we're easing back into it.

Fox’s “House” Stops By Ted Lilly Fan Club

House inspects the Ted Lilly Fan Club Happy Place and Medicine Cabinet (TLFCHPAMC)

It’s now been an excruciatingly long 24 days since our nightmare became reality when the Dodgers eliminated our Cubs and swept us out of the playoffs. You may notice that our disappearance has coincided with an epic collapse of world markets... little known fact, TLFC also was the world's largest consumer of Credit Default Swaps and Sanka. Do the math--the numbers work.

Truth be told, we’ve been spending those past few weeks really struggling with how to cope with this problem, how to treat this disease, and how to convert Vicatin into chewable form. TLFC House Mom Brenda has tried to help, suggesting chicken soup and flat 7-Up but that didn’t seem to do the trick. TLFC Super Computer gave us a bunch of “D” batteries and old photos of “Rosie the Robert” from the Jetsons (=robot creepy), but that failed to start the motor. The several proverbial “shout outs” from Ted Heads across the network helped, but our wounds remained open.

Unfortunately, none of these remedies truly worked and we remained in a Dodgers-induced funk. Blinds at the TLFC were drawn shut. Old Popeye’s Fried Chicken cartons littered the floors and Eddie Veddar’s “Go All the Way” on repeat on the TLFC hi-fi.

However, things looked up last night when Fox’s own Dr. House stopped by the Fan Club to check on us. He gave us a few cold stares, some uncomfortable “I Need an Adult” touches before settling on a ridiculous, complex but ultimately real affliction: TedLillyItis (Yep—not surprisingly, the Ted Lilly Fan Club suffers from TedLillyitis—known for its weird adoration of left pitchers from Torrance, CA and a love for chiseled abs).

Turns out that Fox, in their undying commitment to post-season baseball, has enlisted the help of several prominent television doctors from past and present to aid Chicago Cub bloggers in their recovery. A few highlights:

Cub Reporter: Doogie Howser (pre-How I Met Your Mother Days) stopped by TCR to help them turn their head, cough and get back on the road to recovery. Diagnosis? Northside Jock Itch. No word on whether Vinnie Delpino, the hot nurse or Doogie’s 1980s computer made the trip.

A League of Her Own: Noah Wyle, of “ER” fame, stopped by ALOHO to help get right the ship. Originally, Fox asked for Clooney…then Eric LaSalle…then Maura Tierney…than that guy who looks like Clive Owen before settling on Dr. John Carter. Rumor has it that, post-visit, Noah refused to leave and brought out copies of his TNT instant classic, “Librarian: Quest for the Spear.”

Thunder Matt’s Saloon: While not an official medical doctor, Dr. Feelgood was dispatched along to TMS to help them. Now, as everyone knows, TMS has been in a funk a lot longer than 24th days since their man crush got traded to Oakland but Dr. Feelgood--he's the one that makes ya feel all right, he’s gonna be your Frankensten. Of course, it's sad to see TMS close up shop but we assume the new blog will be just as fratastic.

We suspect we got "House," because of our shared affinity for walking around with canes and abuse of pain killers. Frankly, it has worked, Hugh Laurie and his wacky band of Docs - featuring a wacky Aussie, Willy Mays Hayes Redux, and Kuhmar - has dressed the wounds caused by Tedlillyits and nursed us back to health.

We're back Ted Heads. We appreciate your patience and support.

A Big Brotherly, Tedtastic Moment from Rob G

We are watching.

We've asked some of our favorite Ted Head's / Cubs Bloggers to give us their favorite Ted Lilly Moment from 2008. We now present one of the masterminds behind The Cub Reporter, Mr. Rob G.

Ted Lilly's 2008 season certainly had a few moments that made you stand up and notice. Some dominating starts, especially those two near no-hitters in September, a few "I can't believe he got a hit" moments, I think he stole a base once and of course, barreling over Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina.

But what I remember most about his 2008 season, was the slightest condescending note from me at The Cub Reporter and TLFC was like Big Brother swooping down and appropriately bitch-slapping me back to reality. Mention that he's pitching about as well as Jason Marquis, TLFC was having none of it. Comment that he's not very imposing presence on the mound, I'm put on notice for my snarkiness. Heck, one time I was just sitting in my office thinking the Cubs probably gave one too many years on Lilly's contract and TLFC materialized above me and popped that thought balloon. It might sound improbable, but it happened....I swear.

Our Response.

Dear Rob,

You Bad Mouth Ted, We will F*^k you up.

Serious.

Regards,

TLFC

ps. Love your site!

Ex-Cub Matt Stairs Loves Getting Ass "Hammered" By Dudes

We're a family friendly Fan Club that is open to people of diversity. We'll take anyone as long as they love Ted with blind devotion in an unquestioning manner.

That being said, the following quote is hilarious in a "you just said, 'boobs!'", someone farted in church, the number '69'-type way.

This has been covered elsewhere, but to us it came via Junior Ted Head "Cannon R" and wonderful sites such as MLB Fanhouse. To level-set, Stairs, he of the lifetime .266 average, now plays for the Phillies and is a game away from the World Series....lucky sperm club indeed.

"You've been here for a month and you want to get that one big hit where you really feel like you're part of the team," Stairs said. "Not that I don't feel like I'm part of the team, but when you get that nice celebration coming in the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling than to have that done."

Guess what Matt, we know exactly what you mean. We were once swimmers and there really was nothing better than hanging out with the team on the pool deck. There's just something about a bunch of guys, packed into their speedos, giving each other rub downs and pats on the butt, to get someone ready to race.

We also are a fan of gladiator movies, hanging around gyms and when Scruffy rubs up against our leg. Somewhere there's a joke about Chicago Tribune Cubs beat reporter Paul Sullivan--we're just not sure what it is..

Awkward? Maybe....but so is getting your ass hammered by guys...

TLFC with Numerous Post Ideas, but Little Will To Post

Both of you can go F*$# Yourselves.

Hey Ted Heads. Though we are still alive, we're not really or truly alive. Our bodies are weary and our souls are shaken. Rest assured that our commitment to Ted remains solid as his core, but our faith in all things right has been massively twisted. The failure to Get The Ball To Ted, was a travesty of the most epic proportions. On top of that, our visit to Wrigley for game #2 was the worst baseball game we've ever been tortured to sit through - and that had nothing to do with the play on the field. We promise a post about that during the off season, but for now we'll satisfy your insatiable desire for content by giving you the list of things we would talk about if we had the will to talk about anything at all.

Why is Spanish From Old School Fake Blogging in TBS MLB Ads?

Dick Stockton; Awful and Evil

Dear Crane Kenny, Blessing the Cubs Dug Out Was Stupid.

Brandon Backe, The Wedding Fighter.

Who's more Magical? Ted Lilly or David Blaine

We even have a whole post written by The Cub Reporter's Rob G about his Tedtastic Moment to throw out there - but we can't even do that. We're just that down. We just can't do it.

Had we written those posts, we can't guarantee the hilarity and wit you've seen through our two years of TLFC. Ted Heads, we're not a Half Assed Fan Club (HAFC) and our efforts would have been clouded by our malaise. Ted does nothing Half Assed, so we won't either.

Fear not, we will be back shortly, likely to spew venom at Joe Buck, talk about Ted's abs, or make absurd Pop culture references. Just give us a few more days to recoup.

We'll see you soon Ted Heads. We promise.

Fire Sale on Ted Lilly Fan Club 2008 World Series Merchandise!

Everything must go!!! You want Ted Lilly Fan Club 2008 World Series gear? We've got it...and it's priced to sell!

• A never-been-used-in-a-NLDS-game Ted Lilly jersey? Check.
• Derrek Lee's error-ridden glove from Game 2? Check.
• Cubs team towels ladden with the tears of a million Chicagoans? Check.
• Alfonso Soriano's post-season Performance? Check.
• Cubs Beat Reporter Paul Sullivan's handmade Cubs WS Champs Speedo? Check.

Yep...no two ways around it, we shat the bed in a spectacular way. In game 1, Dumpster made the ill-fated decision to lose his control (yep, that strategy didn't work out) and James Loney forgot that he's James Loney. In game 2, errors ruled the day and the Big Z powder keg imploded (more of a question of "when" not "if"). And, game 3, the prophecy came true as Hiroki Karuda (who the f?) and new Cub-killer Loney put the final nail in our post-season coffin.

We've now have an entire off-season to ask the proverbial "what if" questions and ponder "what might have been" but, for now, the Ted Lilly Fan Club is going to unplug itself from baseball for a day or so (although we will miss the ubitious promos for Frank TV), throw away our special blend of post-season Sanka and ask TLFC House Mom Brenda to start stitching homemade Matt Forte jerseys.

Not sure we can fire it up, Ted Heads...this one hurts.

A Slobberknocking, Tedtastic Moment from HOLA

Reader "Tim" Points Out How TL Is Still Holding His Batting Gloves

We've asked some of our favorite Ted Head's / Cubs Bloggers to give us their favorite Ted Lilly Moment from 2008. We now present two astute editors from A League of Her Own, their names, Julie and Matt.

We here at LOHO have bestowed a rare honor on Ted Lilly: we have declined to give him a nickname. We have nicknames for every other player on the team: E6 (Cedeno), OhGodDammitJasonMarquis (self-explanatory), Butters (Edmonds), McDreamy (DeRosa) and so on and so forth. But not for Ted. There is one very simple reason for this: We are terrified of Ted Lilly.

If we had to pick a moment to illustrate the reason for our collective terror, it would have to be Ted barreling into Yadier Molina. It symbolizes how we see Ted: as one scary MOFO.

Aside from being an efficient pitcher and not too bad with the bat, Ted Lilly would scare the crap out of us if we were an opposing batter. Take a hard look at him sometimes; his eyes are glazed over, almost inhuman, like he's looking into the abyss. It's a look that says, "I'm either going to strike you outor take a chainsaw and cut you into little pieces." Ted is quiet, but deadly.

After slobberknocking Molina, he got up and walked back to the dugout, like nothing had just happened, even though he bowled over someone that outweighed him by more than 50 pounds. Also watch at the end of every half-inning when he leaves the mound. There's that look again. What's he thinking? We don't know, but we're glad he's on the Cubs.

Our response:

Hey Julie and Matt,

The 6 stages of loving Ted are as follows.

1) Fear of Ted
2) Respect for Ted
3) Becoming over confident in your knowledge of Ted
4) Being Hurt by Ted - eg. Entering the Heart of Ted Darkness
5) Training Montage
6) Love for Ted

For many Ted Heads, TL's destruction of Molina brought them into the 6th stage. Stage 3 had generally been reached with Ted's stellar performance in 2007. Stage 4 begin in Arizona last year and continued through the gopher balls of early 2008. Stage 5 was different for everyone, but that generally involved a lot of ab work and walks on the beach.

And here we are, with your wonderful email showing that you embrace stage 6.

We appreciate your work.

Much appreciated.

TLFC

--

Definitely a highlight of 2008. Not much else to say. Hey Rich, GTBTT!

Ted Lilly Fan Club Increases Threat Advisory to DefCon Ted

Okay--so, yesterday, we pleaded with the Cubs to Get The Ball To Ted. Our pleas went unanswered and, now, Ted Heads, we need to move the threat advisory up to DefCon Ted: Severe Risk of a Dodgers Sweep.

Yep, our backs are up against the proverbial wall after last night's thumping against the Dodgers. Mark De Rosa and Derrek Lee (ummmm---three-time Gold Glove winner?) each get to wear the LVP hat, giving up consecutive errors to help the Dodgers to their five-run second inning en route to a 10-3 loss.

The series shifts back to Los Angeles where Rich Harden will get the ball against Hiroki Haruda in a must-win game win for the Cubs. Normally, "must-win" would fall into the cliche category but we literally must win or have yet another offseason to ponder "what if?".

First off, have a sip of your morning Sanka and enjoy a few quick links and virtual shout-outs (is that what they're called? shout-outs?)

--Good rundown on neredowells in the press over at League of Her Own.
--Stats friendly recap at Cub Reporter
--Quality (=fueled by Bud Extra) blog on VP Debates at Thunder Matt's Saloon
--Enormous amount of witty, well-written and inane commentary at Ted Lilly Fan Club

Truth be told, we actually feel like we're in a good place right now and are in the perfect position to come back in the series.

Think we're kidding? Let's take a look at the facts, TLFC Super Computer:

1. Rich Harden pitches on Saturday. You remember Rich, right? He of the 2.07 ERA and 1.06 WHIP. Plus, he's Canadian which, while it probably means nothing to most people (outside of the fact that he gets free healthcare and loves Barenaked Ladies), means everything to us. You see, like the Cubs against the Dodgers, Canada has always been an underdog of sorts to the United States. We stole Jason Priestly, Alanis Morrisette (good work, Dave Coulier!) and Pam Andersen from Canada and, yet, somehow they've persevered. Harden will do the same...

2. Ted "BAMF" Lilly will pitch on Sunday to even the series. Can you find a more dialed-in pitcher right now than Ted? (For those using the SAP button on their blog, we would like to use the word "caliente"). TL won a career-high 17 games this season (the most by a Cubs lefty 1970 and finished with 184 strikeouts--fourth highest in team history). More important, he has won his last four starts including a one hitter on September 15 and a two-hitter on September 27.

3. History. Yes, we get it. Cubs haven't won in 100-years (is this where we enter a bad Jay Leno joke about John McCain's age?). No NL team has ever won a best-of-five series after going down 0-2 but baseball has a weird (=creepy) sense of irony. People once told Ted Lilly that he couldn't have chiseled abs and the steely-eyed stare of an Incan Warrior and we all know how that one ended...

We're already preparing a Rich Harden "Footsteps" poem for the Game 3 recap, getting ready to sing "Go Ted Go" after Game 4 and dousing our couches in gasoline for game five in Chicago next Tuesday...Fire it up...

Ted Lilly Fan Club Says GTBTT: Get the Ball to Ted

Get. The. Ball. To. Ted.

You don't win baseball games when you walk 8 people. These things happen, let's move on. Granted, we have no more couches at the FC b/c we burned them in disgust and are crazy hopped up on Sanka but let's move on.

We also don't want to hear any of this, "Tonight's a Must Win" crap cliche (we'll leave that to the "quality" TBS announcers and in-studio folks). It's not. Certainly things get a little dodgy heading to LA down 2 games, but there are some reasons that such a situation isn't that terrible. Rich Harden will start game 3 and Ted "of The Valley of the Shadow of Death" Lilly goes game 4.

The focus for this team and for Cub Nation should be simple. Get the ball in Ted Lilly's Hand. You do that, we go back to Wrigley for Game 5 and, predictably, TL will pitch again on very short rest. As a fan club that hides behind anonymity which allows no recourse in cases where we're wrong, we can absolutely guarantee a win in game 4 with TL on the mound. You know it, we know it. TL won't lose that game.

GTBTT. Get The Ball To Ted.

We'll be at the game tonight with our GTBTT hats and placards flying high. If you see any TLFC gear, say hello, it's probably us. If not, it's quite possibly one of the millions of newly minted Ted Heads...Fire it up...

A View From the Wrigleyville Apocalypse

Editor's Note: this post was originally developed for our good friends over at the Atlanta Braves' Blog, the Launching Pad. While it's true that Ted and the Braves have a tense relationship, the TLFC has a soft spot in our heart for the city of Atlanta (might be Catholic guilt over Sherman's march to the sea?)...Do yourself a favor and check them out...

Looking up at the big Ted Lilly Fan Club Atomic Clock on the wall of our undisclosed northside HQ, the big hand and little hand show us that the first game of the playoffs starts in 8 hours at 5:30 pm TLST (Ted Lilly Standard Time).

With a few very important days ahead for Cub Nation, the TLFC has hunkered day and basically turned the humble, little Fan Club into a post-Apocalypse bunker (think the hatch in "Lost" mixed with some "Mad Max" facial hair, a little financial crisis paranoia and weird futuristic outfits stolen from the set of Battlestar Galactica.

We are primed and have taken all the necessary precautions (Costco-size vats of Sanka? Check. Bathtubs filled with water? Check. Shotguns? Check. Petrol tank? Check. Copious amounts of red/white/blue face paint? Check).

We’ve also spent the last few days, taking a hard, steely-eyed look at our first opponent slash victim, the Los Angeles Dodgers. We plugged in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer and inputted all sorts of data (game tape of Fernando Venezuela, mp3 of Randy Newman’s “I Love LA”, a script of Brady Bunch episode featuring Don Drysdale and a recipe for a Dodger Dog) for today’s scouting report:

Strengths:
1. Ability to destroy hope and crush thousands of souls in Brooklyn, NY with one singular late-night move to Los Angeles
2. Scary good bullpen with Saito, Broxton and Hong-Chiu Kou
3. Good post-season experience with Torre, Manny and Derek Lowe leading the charge (insert clichéd sports analogy about playoff experience here. For example: “these stone-faced veteran warriors have been in the foxhole, stood arm and arm in the rain, and whatever else you want to think of that means nothing when a 93 MPH Lillyhammer curve is coming at you”)

Weaknesses:
1. Unproven protection for Manny Ramirez with Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp and James Loney surrounding him in the line-up.
2. Jeff Kent’s mustache. Seriously? A mustache? It’s not the 1970s and you’re not a porn actor. Shave it…or at the very least watch some episodes of Magnum PI to see how it’s really done (TLFC Editor’s Note: Truth be told, we’re probably a bit jealous since we’re stuck in alt-rock college band facial hair mode)
3. Lack of real fan support. They come in the 2nd and leave in the 5th to avoid traffic. Cubs fans, meanwhile, arrive 2 hours before the game for batting practice and extra smooth Pabst Blue Ribbon beers. Advantage Cubs.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer Prediction for Ryan Dempster: 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks, 3 BB and 1-3 at the plate in a Cubs victory.