Ted Lilly Victimized By Madoff Securities Scandal

In addition to Fraud, Madoff collected fine art

Still rocked by the allegations of impropriety by Ted Lilly in the wake of the Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s pay-for-play senate nomination scandal, the Ted Lilly Fan Club was dealt with another death blow today upon learning that Ted Lilly is also a victim of ponzi scheme extraordinaire Bernard Madoff.

As any news-hungry Ted Head knows, Bernard Madoff made international headlines last week when he was charged with running a decades long Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors of $50 billion dollars. Never one to be content with small potatoes, Madoff’s scheme is considered to be the largest fraud in U.S. history.

While the Ted Lilly Fan Club Endowment for Art and Science (TLFCEOAAS) remains safely buried in the sand of a deserted Caribbean Island, not all philanthropic entities were unscathed. Unfortunately, alongside real estate magnate Mortimer Zuckerman, the foundation of Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel, a charity of movie director Steven Spielberg and NY Mets owner Fred Wilpon, Chicago Cubs pitching ace and Obama-nominated Ambassador to the World Ted Lilly has also been caught up in this mess.

However, instead of millions of dollars in hedge funds and various investments, Lilly invested several of his famous game-worn #30 jerseys (remember, his sweat has cured polio), Lillyhammer baseballs from last year’s playoff (never used) and a top-secret manual on how to get chiseled abs (suck it Billy Banks! Tae Bo is for pussies!) which auction house Christie’s has valued as “priceless.” Lilly's expected return from Madoff was not monetary, but charitable; good, not evil. Instead, investigators have discovered that Madoff would blind sophisticated investors with the aura of Ted Lilly - the only possible way his ruse could be successful.

While the Lilly camp has remained silent throughout the process, they did release a statement that simply stated, “We ask for everyone’s support and compassion throughout this tough time. While Ted will be all right (after all—he is immortal), the real loss here is for the Ted Lilly School For Kids Who Can’t Read Good—who stood as the beneficiaries of TL’s realtionship with Madoff Securities.”

Obviously, this is troubling news, Ted Heads but remember, the world is darkest before the dawn.

Ted Lilly Implicated in Governor Blagojevich Scandal

In a report that has shaken the Ted Lilly Fan Club to its very core, news reports have surfaced that Ted Lilly has been implicated in the ongoing scandal with Governor Rod Blagojevich and the pay-for-play Illinois Senate seat.

While U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois and friend of the blog, Patrick Fitzgerald has not officially linked Ted to any crime or wrong-doing, a source at Chicago's own WBBM newsradio has told the TLFC that Ted is among the people who sought to give Blago gifts in exchange for the appointment to fill President-Elect Barack Obama's U.S. Senate Seat.

Needless to say, upon hearing this report, we here at the TLFC universally spat up our collective Sanka and cried one single FC tear before rolling up our sleeves and getting to the bottom of this mess.

After some hard-nosed detective work from TLFC Intern/Lil' Detective Jeff Samardzija and crime lab analysis from the TLFC Super Computer, we determined that, while Ted did in fact offer Blago gifts, it had nothing to do with the open Senate seat.

In fact, Ted was simply responding to G-Rod's "Dear Santa" Christmas list that Blagojevich sends to the North Pole (aka TLFC HQ--at an undisclosed Northside location). Of course, with the recent headlines and corruption scandal, it's just a case of really bad timing.

What did Blago ask for?

• Chiseled abs (rumor has it that Illinois Correctional has a ridiculously good pilates course)
• Ted's guidance at getting out of jams (no word on whether TL's famous Lilly Hammer "out pitch" can be used in a courtroom setting. We assume 'yes')
• Red Ryder BB Gun (TL's response, "No way Blago--you'll shoot your eye out kid")
• Ability to Intimidate - Prison rules require you beat up the first guy you see, otherwise you're made to wear a mop hat as a wig and sing "Like a Virgin" in the shower... we know because we've been there (watch Cinemax After Dark for "Chained Heat III: Return of the TLFC"). Faced with some time in the slammer, Hot Rod has asked TL for some advice on how to intimidate. Ted's response, "Egg yoke breakfast, raw steak, and a mind blowing left hook right to the grill.

Once Samardzija and the TLFCSC delivered this report, we delivered a big, big sigh of relief. Not only did we not want to see Papa Bear TL go down in the wake of this scandal, we also were not too interested in trying to sell off TLFC assets in this economic downturn but, saints preserve us, Santa Ted is a-ok, Ted Heads...

Real Story Behind Aborted Chicago Cubs/Jake Peavy Trade

As reported by the Chicago Tribune earlier today, Chicago Cubs GM Jim Hendry has reportedly called off the proposed deal for San Diego Padres ace Jacob “Jake” Peavy. While sports reporters and hot stove baseball blogs are focusing on Hendry’s reluctance to give up the high number of prospects/starters AND accept Peavy’s $60+M contract, the Ted Lilly Fan Club put on our reporter hat, rolled up our fan club sleeves (revealing mind-blowing biceps) and got the real story behind the aborted Peavy deal.

The reason? Jake Peavy failed Ted Lilly’s classic patented Circle of Pain Death Match Initiation Rite (TLCPCOPDMIR).

In a little known caveat to the Lilly contract signed almost exactly two years to the day, the Cubs are required to submit the proposed trade to Lilly for examination if the said trade involves one of his "interns"including lefty Sean Marshal (an integral part of the Peavy deal) and current Cubs Triple-A Iowa pitcher and Des Moines cougar hunter Rich Hill. The Cubs were laughing when TL insisted upon this detail (in addition to a new Slendertone ab belt every month) but TLFC asks the question, ‘who the f- is laughing now Hendry?’

For those of you not familiar, Ted originally developed the Circle of Pain when he was a young boy in Torrance, CA to toughen himself in preparation for his future career as left-handed stud pitcher and Ambassador to the World. Of course, he was only able to fight himself and black bears but the Circle did its job and TL stands before us as a marvel of modern strengthen, abs and resilience.

The modern Circle (which is permanently housed in the bowels of Wrigley) includes a dirt circle, broken glass and blaring GodSmack music that play from old speakers TL stole from some Northwestern frat guys (suck it Sigma Chi!).

Unfortunately, due to the location of the GM meetings in Vegas, TL erected a temporary circle in California's famed Joshua Tree desert at midnight last evening with the battle ending at roughly 6 am this morning, with Marshal the apparent victor.

TL did not gloat. He did not relish in his intern’s victor over the 2007 Cy Young winner. He simply attached a two-word missive to his trusty hawk, “Fury” and sent him along to Cubs management with the note reading, “Peavy. Out.”

Scary stuff, Ted Heads…scary stuff indeed. We're just glad he's on our side.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Hot Stove Report: Ted Lilly Edition

While the eyes of Cub Nation are fixed squarely on Las Vegas for the start of the GMs Meeting in hopes of Jim Hendry bringing home a pre-Christmas gift of Jacob Edward Peavy, TLFC thought it’d be good to provide all you loyal Ted Heads with an update on the latest rumblings/grumblings involving Theodore Roosevelt Lilly.

Now, due to the unfortunate card counting incident in 2004 and our eventual position in the infamous Vegas Black Book, the TLFC wasn’t able to make our yearly trip to the GM meetings (Omar Minaya—you still owe us $20 from last year's meeting after we bought you that snow globe—we haven’t forgotten). Instead, we enlisted the help of some baseball experts to give us the latest update on what’s going on in the hot stove world of Ted Lilly.

Of course, these experts don’t come cheap so we had to give Peter Gammons an autographed copy of Theo Epstein’s CD “Sox And Roll”, we got Daily Herald Cubs beat reporter Bruce Miles a game-used jock from Kosuke Fukudome (we agree—that’s weird) and Paul Sullivan only requested some help putting his resume together after the Tribune’s Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

So, gather round ye Ted Heads and warm up at the TLFC Hot Stove: Ted Lilly Edition:

• Word from Peter Gammons is that Ted Lilly not only will resume his duties as Cubs Starting Pitcher/Left-Handed Bad Ass (CSPLHBA) but will also platoon in right field 4 days a week. To prep for his new duty, TL has supposedly being re-re-dedicating himself to off-season ab work and watching old game film of Sammy Sosa (sans the steroid abuse and Spanglish)


• Daily Herald’s Bruce Miles is reporting today that the TLFC Cloning Machine is close to completion pending a shipment of yellow cake plutonium from North Korea and a tri-flux capacitor (Note to FedEx: please leave all packages from a “Dr. Emmett Brown” on our doorstep)


• Politico reporter and baseball fan, Ben Smith, is reporting that the Obama Administration has reached out to the Lilly camp to gauge his interest in taking the newly-formed position of Ambassador to the World.


• Soon-to-be-former Chicago Tribune Cubs beat reporter and future PaulSullivan.BlogSpot.Com editor-in-chief Paul Sullivan has filed a Hot Stove report, stating that he hopes that Ted Lilly becomes the next contestant on ABC’s the Bachelor. Now, despite the fact that TL is married (Mrs. Ted Lilly? Sweet and true—like an Torrance, CA sunset) and this report has nothing to do w/ baseball, we decided to let it slide and post it anyway as a way of demonstrating Sullivan’s creepiness

Keep those updates coming, Ted Heads…