Report: Ted Lilly Apologizes to Cub Teammates

CHICAGO -- Ted Lilly, superstar Cub pitcher and likely spawn of Immortal Sun God Apollo, walked solemnly into the Cub locker room yesterday, hugged his teammates and coaches, then hesitantly faced the group.

"I apologize", Ted said, choking back tears.

And the Chicago Cubs accepted his apology and the Heavens sighed.

Lilly made the short walk into the clubhouse during Friday's postponement of the Astro's - Cubs series opener, addressing the team for the first time since Manny Ramirez met with his Dodger team for the first time since Ramirez's 50 game banned substance suspension (yes--for a female hormone--fill in joke here:____).

"I think he was comfortable with the people he was around," Dodger Manager Joe Torre said of Ramiriez, "but I think the circumstances made him (Ramirez) uncomfortable.

As for Ted. "I think he was comfortable with the people he was around," said TLFC regrading TL, "but we think the circumstances made him (Lilly) uncomfortable."

Both meetings were brief, Lilly's and Manny's, but while the Dodgers teamates rallied around Ramirez and would not give details, Cub teamates opennly discussed Ted's speach.

"When TL got up there and told us that he was sorry for achieving so much without performance enhancing drugs and without having the absurdly natural baseball skills of Ramirez. .. well, I just about teared up," said Cub newcomer Randy Wells, "I'm considering tattooing a single tear on my cheek to remember that moment."

However, Wells quickly decided against the single-tear tattoo after watching a HBO "Oz" marathon and realizing that, in gang lore, a single tear is reserved for a fallen "homey." Instead, on Jeff Samardzija's suggestion, he got a senior-year-spring-break-in-Cancun-friendly shamrock tattoed on his ankle.

Teamate Koyle Hill added, "Ted said, 'hey guys, I'm sorry I get out there every fifth day and give it my all without performance enhancers. I'm sorry I work out absurdly hard in between starts and that I'm totally committed to this team and most of all I'm sorry that I have abs that withstand orbital rentry without needing performance enhancers - essentially, I'm sorry that I'm the antithesis of Manny Ramirez, who I'm sure is a good guy who just lost the Faith."

"I worship Ted Lilly," added Hill, "I literally pray to his image with my family every night. Sure, some might consider that pretty weird but same thing could be said for a group of Cubs fans devoting an entire blog to a guy who doesn't even own a computer."

TLFC had no comment.