Ted Lilly Start #8 Preview: Best Foot Forward

A quick look at the NL Central standings sees the Cubs a game and a half behind the upstart Chicago Jr. Brewers and half game ahead of the St. Louis Cardinals.

However, with the recent news that Milwaukee has lost team sparkplug Rickie Weeks for the year with a tear in his left-wrist, St. Louis now returns to the role of our most formidable competition for the pennant and loyalty-challenged fans in East St. Louis, IL.

Thus, with Tuesday marking the start of a pivotal series against the Cardinals, the Cubs wisely are putting their best food forward and starting their staff ace, Ted Lilly in the series opener against Joel Pinero (really--is there any doubt that TL has assumed the mantle of staff ace?)

Before we proceed into the post and eventual TLFC Super Computer, take a click over to Dave Van Dyck's almost blushing article on Ted from yesterday's Trib. Is Dave a TedHead? Maybe...maybe not...but the last time we saw fluff like this, our TLFC Intern Mitch was trying to do whip-its with a full bottle of Cool Whipp.

You may be asking yourself, "hey Self, what's up with the picture of TL bowling over Thumper's friends like they were Yadier Molina?" Well Self, we're not sure either, but maybe it has something to do with Ted being a vicious MF'er that would be willing to disrupt a happy gathering of fantastical woodland creatures if it meant victory? Yep--win at all costs. Nuff said.

But despite the violence of our image, and in classic TL fashion (always a friend to animals, lil' TedHeads, even including Cardinals), Ted has promised to take it "easy" on STL tonight. While TL has already gone into his usual pregame seclusion (editor's note: seclusion officially defined as a zen-like state in which Ted contemplates life's most pressing issues/reviews game tape), we can only assume that, by "taking it easy," Ted could possibly:

• Agree to not throw a perfect game and instead "only" throw a no-hitter. No need to embarrass the Cards on their home field, right?
• Make the STL clubhouse staff promise to keep the Zima away from Tony LaRussa after STL loses and/or steal Tony's car keys while he's busy asking Pujols for an autograph
• Help local residents experience true celebrity and not the faux-hype that St. Louis has come to represent like the U.S. Chess Championship and the premiere of indoor plumbing
• Speak French when ordering a Budweiser... why? Because pride of St. Louis "Budweiser" was purchased by Belgium Conglomerate InBev. St. Louisianians (?), like all Europeans, appreciate it when you at least try to speak their language and/or grow a bad mustache.
• Convince his Cubs teammates to not speak of the short, but prolific, era of the St. Louis Rap Scene. Where did Nelly and Chingy go? Long live Chi's Kanye and Common.

Per tradition, we welcome in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer for today's prediction:

7 IP, 8Ks, 1 BB, 1 ER and 2-4 with two scorching singles. As a bonus, TL will also cast yet another disparaging eye towards Anheuser-Busch for the anti-American InBev deal. Tsk tsk tsk.

Fire it up, TedHeads, your soon-to-be-NL All-Star Game-starter goes today...