In the rare chance that Ted Lilly proactively decides to take a loss to teach his fellow Cubs a lesson about humility, we often get a number of letters and emails sent to the TLFC Tedquarters from TedHeads around the world asking us for an explanation and if we have any idea what Ted does to cope after each of these losses. Likewise--we assume that Dumpster coped with his loss last night with an extra-large box of Tim Horton's doughnuts and some Molson Extra--official beer of the Ryan Dempster Fan Club--extra warm, extra shitty--that's Molson Extra!.Well, TedHeads, with help from Amherst College's Christopher V. Trinacty (visiting professor of classics and unabashed TedHead), we have done a little research and determined that, after each loss, Ted Lilly embarks on a epic journey of Twelve Labors ("epic" defined as lasting only four or less days and able to be fit in around film review/kangaroo boxing matches).
Similiar to Hercules Twelve Labors from Greek mythology, Ted proactively completes twelve arduous tasks as a penance for the previous start's loss (again--Dempster? He just works on that super gross glove flip thing that he does and eats more Tim Horton's doughnuts).
The Twelve Labors of Ted Lilly
1. Slay a fatted calf. Ted the Player clearly starts with an easy task, killing a fatted calf as a sacrifice to himself, Ted the God.
2. Steal the most recent composite from the Kappa sorority at Northwestern University. Known for their love of field hockey and ability to outdrink the pansies at Sigma Chi, Kappas, like the Sirens, are considered a formidable opponent for Ted.
3. Personally apologize to each and every of the 1,200 strikeout victims that Ted has embarassed over his eleven seasons in the majors. Hey San Diego! We'll see if Ted can dial up a few advance apologies for the 10K gem he's planning to toss against you on Sunday.
4. Refrain from a post-game reward of extra ab work. Sorry, Ted, you took the loss--you're not allowed to make your abs any more sublime. Them's the breaks. BUT, as picture above shows, Ted's already in pretty decent shape.
5. Engage in an old-fashioned walk-off against Hansel (so hot right now).
6. Walk on water - easy for Ted to do. What wasn't easy was the 50 underwater bat swings with a log that TL took after
7. Rescue the the mythical shankara stones in India while battling a Kālī Thuggee religious cult plotting child slavery, black magic and ritual human sacrifice.
8. Beat the IBM Super Computer Big Blue in Chess...take Mrs. Big Blue out for drinks
9. Complete a New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle blindfolded and with no black squares.
10. Clean the cage of his trusty hawk/friend, Fury. Like Hercules having to clean the Augean stables in a single day, TL will be forced to do the same. However, also like Hercules (who succeeded by rerouting the rivers Alpheus and Peneus to wash out the filth), Ted will most likely use the left-over alcohol from the dish rags at Cubby Bear mixed with his own purifying sweat to clean Fury's cage.
11. Blow up the Death Star.
12. Agree to finally battle the H1N1 Swine Flu Virus as part of a WWE Wrestling Extravaganza.
Little treat to fire it up on a slow Thursday morning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSYxT9GM0fQ
2 comments:
Enjoy the long flight out to San Diego (which you know is spanish for Whale's Vagina) Teddy.
Last time we met I took you deep twice. In fact, I'm not sure if the second one has landed yet...
If you're letting meats like "Colby" take you deep, imagine what I'm going to do with that weak sauce you throw.
Nice abs.
Apparently Adrian Gonzalez has not taken one of Ted's lessons on humility to heart (most young players can only dream of having the opportunity to be taught by the Master).
No crying when Ted decides not to take you out for fly fishing or skinning a grizzly bear with your bare hands.
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