Ted Lilly Start #16: Russ Ohlendorf Is Bizarro Ted Lilly

Unlike Ted Lilly himself (who has no beginning or end), the TLFC did have a childhood and, in that childhood, we loved comic books and were particularly interested in the adventures of Superman which, naturally, led us to our present adoration of a certain 5'10" Superman from CA.

During these years of reading these comic books, we grew increasingly knowledgeable on Superman, his likes (Lois Lane, tight pants), dislikes (bald super villains, kryptonite), favorite color (red and blue--tie) etc. which was seemingly a waste of time until today when, in analyzing today's pitching match-up, we realized suddenly that Ross Ohlendork is the MLB's version of the Bizarro Superman--the evil twin/doppleganger to our super hero Ted BAMF Lilly.

In between fits of shuddering, convulsions and warm milk from TLFC House Mom Brenda, we pulled out that old collection to do a little more research and confirmed that Russ Ohlendork is indeed Bizarro Ted. Since we we're not sure that TedHeads have an in-house Comic Book Library and Depository (CBLAD) to do your own research, let's look at the facts:

1. Basic Physical Make-Up: Ted is a lefty, Russ is a righty. Clearly--opposites.


2. Hometown: For U.S. Census purposes only, Ted is listed as having a Torrance, CA hometown (we all know that he's immortal, thus having no 'home') while Russ is from Texas. Both hail from big states but both states are wildly opposite in terms of politics, music styles and stance on drive-thru bars (Texas? Yes. California? No).


3. Education: Ted spent his formative years at Fresno City Junior College--honest, blue-collar, hard-working while fancy pants Russ went to Princeton where he majored in elitism, drinking with his pinky raised and reading Kurt Vonnegut.


4. Philanthropic Interests: Ted is a Comcast OnDemand celebrity through his participation in the Cubs Reading Program as well as his own private School For Kids Who Can't Read Good (editor's note: this is a 501(C)3 program so stay away IRS), which has earned him the nickname "Mr. Wonderful" around local orphanages. Bizarro Ted has the nickname, "Mr. Wonderful" because his last name sounds likes someone from WWFD.

So, there you have it, TedHeads...we are not just looking at a "normal" TL start (normal defined as "normally awesome" or "normally Tedtastic") but potentially a world-ending tilt where two men collide in a epic nine-inning battle.

With that sense of doom and destruction top-of-mind, we welcome in Robert Roy Pool, writer of the movie "Armageddon" for today's prediction: 7 IP, 6Ks, 3BBs, 1 HR (standard TL), 2 flaming meteorite induced explosions, and one awkward (ed. note, but beautiful) romance between Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler.

Ummmmm, Robert--we're only talking about Cubs baseball, can we stay focused here?

Revised: 7 IP, 6Ks, 3BBs, 1 HR (standard TL) and one awkward romance between Tribune beat writer Paul Sullivan and the entire Cubs lockerroom.