Memo To Cubs Management: Get The Ball To Ted

Let's be honest: it still hurts that Ted was not given the chance to shine in Tuesday’s All-Star Game but, rest assured TedHeads, we've already contacted our Jamaican voodoo priestess/friend-of-the-blog Ismerelda to start putting together Charlie Manuel and Heath Bell voodoo dolls to right this wrong.

So, alongside a steady diet of Bud Extra/Sanka cocktails and Kix, we should be good to go there as we move into the second half. Of course, we’d be so lucky if the same could be said of our lovable, plodding Cubbies who today, start a must-win series against the Washington Nationals.

Having not slept since the ASG (36 hours and counting--Thank you trucker-friendly ephedrine!), we have been spending our time down in the TLFC Math Lab Slash Data Analysis Center Slash 'Fun Zone (TLFCMLSDACSFZ) trying to figure out the keys to success for the rest of the season. While the FC quickly split into two competing camps: classic Left-Brain vs. Right Brain stuff:

Left Brain (Genuine Baseball Analysis)

• Cubs Pitching: Outside of Ted (no need for explanation), our pitching has been about as erratic as John Travolta's movie career. For every "Pulp Fiction" success (see: Lilly, Ted), there is a "Battlefield Earth" (Dempster--big budget, little success), "Wild Hogs" (Harden--opponents BA? .271 w/ 16HR) or "Boy In the Bubble" (Marmol). This clearly needs to change if we have any chance to make a run at the playoffs.


• Hitting The Baseball. While our virtual Cubs offense in the video game, MLB '09 'the Show', has been ridiculous, same can't be said for the real-life version. Fuku "raising" his average to .251 after hitting sub-Mendoza in June won't cut it, A-Ram needs to round back into shape and the less said about the Board Game King the better. This team is too talented not to hit, we're confident this won't be a problem.
  
• More David Patton. David Patton needs to be involved in every part of this Cubs team. Hitting, Pitching, driving the team bus to Medieval Times. More. David. Patton.

Right Brain (Genuine TLFC Absurdity and Randomness)

• GTBTT. Get The Ball To Ted. This really isn't hard. Get the Ball To Ted, Rinse, Repeat. Maybe now the Tribune Company or Senor Ricketts will see fit to helping us get the yellowcake plutonium that we need for our Ted Lilly cloning machine. If no yellowcake plutonium, we'd accept a boxload of free TD Ameritrade mousepads/t-shirts.


• Corporal Punishment. While some question the Russian Army's tactics of shooting their own troops who tried to retreat in WW II, it paid off and their reward was a few decades of East Germany (complete w/ hopped-up Olympic athletes and one Ivan Drago). We need to consider recreating that "magic" to compel our team to perform better. Drastic times call for drastic measures, TedHeads


• Team building Excursion to Medieval Times. Nothing says,"bring this baseball team together," like scrafing down loads of meade and a chicken leg while cheering on the purple night in pursuit of his fair maiden. As mentioned before, David Patton will be the DD.

For today’s game, we welcome in TedHead extraordinaire Stephanie (Happy 25th Birthday Stephanie! Enjoy an extra smooth Bud Extra on us) for today’s guest prediction on Rich Harden’s start against the Nats: 6 IP, 3 ER, 7Ks, 2 walks, 1-2 at the plate and one foot forward in our quest for redemption.