Ted Lilly Experience Rolls Into St. Louis For All-Star Game Madness

TLFCSWMTLE aka 'Big Honkin' Ted' - Rolling Into Your Town

But, first, are you experienced, TedHeads? Have you ever been experienced? Well....we have.

As Fox readies coverage for the annual MLB All-Star Game and Paul Sullivan repeatedly asks to be strip-searched by the Secret Service (in town for President Obama's appearance in booth alongside Methuseleah and Lucky Sperm Joe), we simply couldn't be excited about tonight's game featuring a certain, 5"10" ball of All-Star fury named Ted.

Sure, we were disappointed that we were not able to secure corporate sponsorship to cover Ted at the game but, like Ted Lilly's train to Cy Young, we made the decision to push forward no matter what in order to reach our goal. Start with a few Sankas this morning, throw in a few uncomfortably early Bud Extras later today and let's let the games begin.

However, if you are lucky to attend the All Star Game, we have some suggested activities. As any loyal TedHead knows, nothing says "Family Fun All Star Weekend" like the Ted Lilly Fan Club Sixteen Wheeled Mobile Ted Lilly Experience (TLFCSWMTLE).

That's why, in addition to a concert by Sheryl "I wish I still dated Lance" Crow, the Stars of Tomorrow Future's Game (Vitters!) and the State Farm Home Run Derby (official property and casualty insurance provider of the Ted Lilly Fan Club--You're In Good Hands With Ted), MLB and TLFC are proud to roll in our "experience truck," nicknamed "Big Honkin' Ted", and open it's doors to Ted Heads everywhere for a little taste of that Torrance, CA greatness.

TLFCSWMTLE is a full, multi-media immersion experience. Visitors (aka known as 24hr TedHeads) are immediately transformed into an alternate universe so that, if only for a few moments, they can experience what it is like to face Ted Lilly. Exhibits include:

The Knee Quaker: A replica batter's box, just like at Wrigley, but with a twist: Facing down Ted Lilly, before he even pitches, the ground starts to move, shaking your knees like a real major leaguer! Then, a flash of laser light screams right by your face, rendering you confused and dazed - exactly if you witnessed a TL 4-seamed fastball (aka, the Tedfather.)

The Battering Ram: With the help of modern advances in engineering, visitors to TLFCSWMTLE can now experience the adrenaline rush of getting crushed by Ted Lilly. If the line to this exhibit is too long, feel free to ask STL catcher and fellow All Star, Yadier Molina, about his thoughts on Ted's soul-crushing, moral-destroying adrenaline rush.

The Weight of the World: All visitors are invited to strap themselves into the "Ted Rack" to feel the weight of the world's hopes and dreams along with the constant pressure of immortality. As an additional bonus, Adult visitors can don a patented lead vest (just like at the dentist) to feel the extra pressure and radiation-blocking intensity that Ted feels 24/7.

Finally, before leaving the exhibit and having to step back into the real world, all visitors are allowed to kiss the Plexiglas encased "Tedstone" - the stone Ted first stepped on when he discovered the New World. These experiences and more await!

Of course, we won't be there. We've sent Columbia College Intern Mitch to run the TLFCSWMTLE while we watch the game from the comfort of the TLFCHQ. Our All Star experience will be decidedly less family friendly; let's put it this way, if TL strikes out the side, the chances of us lighting our couch on fire and dragging it down Addison are 100%.

As for an All-Star game prediction, we've been waiting a few years for this moment so, f- it, no guest prediction, no convoluted forecast--this one is all TLFC. This is our time. Ted's ASG line:

1 IP, 2 Ks, no walks and a few assorted fist-pumps to David Wright, President Obama and himself.

Editor's note: TedHead extraordinaire and St. Louis-native KD might be able to help you if you get into trouble w/ St. Louis' finest and/or want to play a quick game of "Ted Lilly Jersey"-spotting (there's one...there's another one...). The best way to contact KD is to signal her.