Tom Gorzelanny Start #1 Preview: Attack Of The Clones

Like many American males, the TLFC owes much to the Star Wars trilogy of our fan club youth. After seeing Chewbacca, we knew that it was ok to have back hair. After watching Obi-Wan mentor Luke Skywalker, we finally realized that the weird old guy who hung around the Chuck-E-Cheese wasn't creepy--he just wanted to teach us about the Force. And, after watching and re-watching Episode IV, we learned not to piss off alien thugs in a cantina on Tattoine.

All in all, important life lessons that we needed to learn.

As we thought ahead to Tom Gorzelanny's first game as a Cubbie, we couldn't help but again look to Star Wars for inspiration/revelation regarding TG's first start.

• "There was nothing you could have done, Luke, had you been there. You'd have been killed too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire": Spoken from Obi-Wan (Ted) to his New Young Lefty Apprentice Tom Gorzelanny (NYLATG)---there's nothing that he could have done to save the Pirates from their fate as the worst franchise in major league baseball (settle down Royal fans). Whenever the Pirates start showing signs of promise, they ship off their talent for draft picks much to the pleasure of other MLB teams (hellllooooo Aramis Ramirez)


• "I find your lack of faith disturbing": Originally spoken from Darth Vader to Empire c-suite execs who didn't believe in the Force (= bad idea), this is a perfect quote to sum up every bandwagon Cubs fan who gave up on this team after their less-than-stellar start. Has it been easy to follow them? Absolutely not but it wasn't easy for Luke to raise his X-Wing Fighter in the Dagoba swamp but we all know how that ended right? Stay on target, Cubs fans and we'll get in Cloud City soon enough


• "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?": From TG to TL...alright watch it buddy. You may be a few inches taller than Ted Lilly in terms of physical stature but no one looms larger in the Cubs locker room than Ted BAMF Lilly.
  
• "I have a very bad feeling about this": Originally said by Luke as he approached the Death Star, this must be what it felt like for ex-Cubs skipper Dusty Baker as Scott Rolen entered the Reds dugout. Scott Rolen? Really? That's the best we can do? Was Gregg Jeffries not available? What about Jose Oquendo?
  
• "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened": This pretty much sums up what Ted's stint on the DL feels to the TLFC except replace "millions of voices" with "our weak, listless, voices" and "silenced" with "covered up by a bottle of Jim Beam."


• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...": As part of the infamous intro title card for every Star Wars film, this sums up what most Cubbie fans were probably thinking when Tom was thrown into the Grabow deal but, if he can revert back to the Tom of Olde (circa 2007 when he won 14 games), we'll be sitting on fantasy gold

Game-day prediction: 6 innings pitched, 6 Ks, 3 BB, 2 earned runs and a tip-of-the-hat for new best friend/mentor/Jedi Knight TL as Tommy Boy walks off the field.