A Inside Look at 2009 Cubs Season In Bizarro World

Like Chicago summer getaway Door County (official weekend staycation location of the TLFC), much of the Cubs blogosphere has shuttered up their virtual sites for the season and gone back to their normal lives. While a few brave souls continue to blog on and fight the good fight, it has become increasingly difficult to find interesting content - especially here.

Always buoyed by Ted grabbing his lunch pail and going to work on the mound every 5th day, we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club thought that we’d be 'okay', that we could get by and weather the virtual storm w/ always creepy references to Ted’s abs, immortality and/or increasingly loud cry for yellow cake plutonium for our cloning machine. Unfortunately, w/ Ted being scratched from his most recent start in favor of the Shark, we simply are at a loss for blogging inspiration.

Thankfully, while breaking into TLFC House Mom Brenda’s stash of Virginia Gentlemen bourbon that she keeps in the basement, we caught sight of our old TLFC Alternative Universe Flying Machine (AUFM) and took it out for a spin to check out the Cubs 2009 Season in Bizarro World (truthfully, we did consider making a pit stop at Fords Theater in 1865 to stop future Braves fan John Wilkes Booth but didn't want to mess w/ space time continuum).

A few highlights (or is it lowlights--we're not really sure anymore):

• Bizarro Ted Lilly (complete with goatee, #3 jersey and right-handed throwing motion) still mowing down bizarro opponents in route to his tenth straight Cy Young Award.


• Fan-Favorite Milton Bradley handing out turkeys, free board games and copies of his book "Sorry! The Milton Bradley Story" to the disadvantaged youth of Chicago


• In a surreal moment of joy for the TLFC, Joe Buck was kicked off the air after making an on-air pass at Tim McCarver. Buck, ashamed and saddened, was forced back to his hometown of St. Louis (home of arch-rival Cardinals), which was later consumed by a Mississippi River sea monster


• Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Steve Bartman emerged from hiding--only to reveal that he was paid off by Moises Alou in 2003 before the start of the Cubs/Marlins series to purposely interfere with any fly balls that came in his direction during NL playoffs so that no one would blame Alou's urine-sopping hands. Weird? Yep--but this is bizarro world

• The American public came to its senses and realized that Charlie Sheen, in addition to being a terrible actor, is also a crazy nutbag (Exhibit A? He broke up w/ Denise Richards. Seriously? Have you seen Wild Things?. Exhibit B? He thinks that 9/11 was an inside job). His punishment? Banished to live w/ Joe Buck in St. Louis (pre-Mississippi River sea monster) and forced to watch "Two and A Half Men" 24 hours/day (wonder what brand of crazy hijinks they'll get into this episode).

• Cubs hoist the World Series Trophy as TL gets yet another MVP trophy (sigh). Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria.

Sadly--we ran out of D batteries for the AUFM and had to return home to recharge but it's an interesting look at what could have been for the non-bizarro world Cubs.

Sigh.