Fukudome Hits First HR of Spring, Tom Skilling Predicts Snowstorm In Hell

During yesterday's 8-8 slugfest between the Cubbies and Royals in Surprise, AZ, the Cubs offense once again fired on all cylinders. The Board Game King extended his hitting streak to 10 games (4-for-4 with a walk), Micah Hoffpauir added two more RBIs with a two-out single in the fifth and fakey DeRosa Aaron Miles belted a two-run homer in the sixth.

Lost in the shuffle however was that Fukudome hit his first home run of the spring in the top half of the 9th inning. In a related note, WGN meteorologist and friend-of-the-blog, Tom Skilling has predicted 6-8 inches of snow for Hell.

Truthfully, Ted Heads, we've always been cautiously optimistic about Fukudome. Having watched the Kaz Matsui debacle in Houston the last few years, we are just simply not convinced that Japanese position players (Ichiro and Godzilla withstanding) have an easy transition to the MLB. Last year, we gave some excuses for Fukudome, this year we're less likely to be so receptive. We believe that the problems start in the Nippon League...

For one thing, it's somewhat sacrilegious that games can end in ties (looking at you 2002 All-Star Game!). It is also strange that the Japanese baseball is wound more tightly and is harder than an American baseball (enter immature joke here _____ ). Also, a close examination of game tape from "Mr. Baseball" suggest that hitting golf balls to get your swing back is a bad idea.

While we will concede that Fukudome's name is perfect chant-fodder for the Sigma Chis in the Wrigley bleachers, we are just not sure that he will ever adjust to be a full-time OF. Heck--his own country even benched him for the WBC final against Korea (although as MLB's Carrie Muskat has stated that is potentially b/c Korea started a lefty in the championship game).

If Fuku continues to falter, we'll ve seeing a whole lot more of Deal or No Deal's Reed Johnson in center or "speedy not so much 'hitty'"Gathright coming off the bench.

Obviously, as a loyal Ted Head, we'll support Fukudome whenever he plays (legal disclosure: we will not support him when he blows a play or bats .193 in August, .178 in September or .100 in the postseason).

6 days til opening day...

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Ted

For TL, the words 'friendly' and 'revenge' don't go together.

There's a popular misconception that TL is somehow "homer prone" or "gives up lots of epic bombs." These, of course, are non popular misconceptions around the TLFCHQ. Ted Heads everywhere know that TL is never "prone" to anything and for TL to do a single thing "epically" is just plain naive - Ted does everything Epically. Ted Lilly is the Homer of Pitchers (ed. note, we're not sure what that means but we're pretty sure that it has everything to do with a blind Greek poet and nothing to do with a certain yellow cartoon character).

So when we found out Mark DeRosa went 3-3 with 2HR yesterday against TL, the rational explanation seemed clear.

• Maybe TL lost to De Rosa in a competitive Izzy Dizzy race.
• Maybe Ted lost to Dero in a who can do fewer crunches contest
• Possibly Ted lost a "who can teacher fewer kids to do algebra" competition.
• Likely Ted wanted to help DeRosa fit in w/ his new Cleveland teammates.
• Clearly, a sick Cleveland fan asked Ted to give up HRs.
• Likely TL wanted to help boost the moral of a beat down city; Drew Carey called and asked Ted to 'do his part.'
• It's entirely possible that Ted bet DeRosa that he could make Dero hit home runs off him.
• It could be Ted was too busy considering GM's offer to become their next CEO (would be a perfect opportunity for him to introduce his concept car, "the Lilly" which, super eco-friendly, runs entirely on TL's blood, sweat and tears)
• Obviously, TL wanted to help DeRosa increase his fantasy baseball value.There's nothing to worry about here Ted Heads.

As always, we've got the answers to the questions that you've never asked.

Congress To Review BCS--Sounds Like A Job For Secretary of Teducation

According to an AP article, the Senate Judiciary's subcommittee on antitrust, competition policy and consumer rights announced that they will put together hearings to determine if the current ranking system in college football is fair and does not represent a monopoly for BCS conferences.

From the statement, "[The current system] leaves nearly half of all the teams in college football at a competitive disadvantage when it comes to qualifying for the millions of dollars paid out every year."

This sounds exactly like a perfect assignment for the newly developed position of Secretary of Teducation. Instead of wasting time and tax payer money by scheduling countless hours of testimony and developing research on the topic (when they might want to be focused on slightly more important matters like, say, our tanking economy), the Secretary of Teducation could offer a quick, easy and TL-endorsed solution: 119 team battle royal.

We'd take a football stadium and enclose it with fencing (True Link Fence--official fencing of the TLFC), razor sharp tension wire, barking dogs, sharks with lasers, Cure music etc. Bascially--take the coolest parts of Thunderdome (without antisemitic remarks from Mel), combine it with Soldier Field and throw in roughly 1,000 unpaid and exploited student-athletes.

Then, over the course of several weeks, we'd let the teams battle it out. Buffalo vs. Florida. UVA vs. Oregon State. USC vs. Northern Iowa (Overnight Pete says "go Panthers!") the Smith vs. Mount Holyoke... Games would go on all day. Practices could be held inside the stadiums on the concourses by the Chicago Bear Claw Stand and players could study in the stands. 24 hrs a day until a winner is given the Ted Lilly Natinal Championship Trophy (shown above) and eternal glory.

Sure, ESPN/CBS/NBC might have a problem w/ loss of ad revenue but we could just throw the whole thing on pay-per-view and divy up the winnings.

Ted Heads, this is exactly the type of thing the Secretary of Teducation is supposed to do. Think of it as a benevolent dictatorship within our fine democracy: Ted Lilly as the final arbiter for all of our nation's minor issues, freeing up our leaders to think big thoughts and solve big problems while TL slowly consolidates his power... uhm, we mean, help all of mankind (question mark).

President Obama Announces New Cabinet Position: Secretary of Teducation

In last night's primetime Presidential press conference, President Barack Obama covered off on a number of pressing issues facing the nation including his $3.6 trillion budget proposal and economic recovery plan, AIG bonuses, the war in Afghanistan and the G20 Summit.

In addition, he also unveiled a key addition to his America Recovery and Reinvestment Plan: the appointment of the Secretary of Teducation.

Similar to the responsibilities of the current Secretary of Education, former head of Chicago Public Schools and raging Ted Head Arne Duncan, the Secretary of Teducation has one mission: to study, analyze and benefit from Ted "Theodore Roosevelt" Lilly.

Said President Obama, "No doubt about it, we're living in challenging times but the world is always darkest before the dawn. In order to overcome this situation, we need to put aside our pride and learn from the best. In short, we need to learn from Ted."

The new Cabinet position will be centered around a three-part program:

• Thorough analysis of Ted's legendary work-out regime to determine how to instill the same work ethic in America's youth. No official word on whether swinging a bat in a pool, 500 crunch sets or wrestling a polar bear will make the final version.


• Extracurricular Activity (Mandatory). A key part of Ted's success has been his commitment to extracurricular activity including his founding of the Ted Lilly School For Kids Who Can't Read Good. Secretary of Teducation will closely follow TL's philanthropic efforts to learn what role this outreach plays in Ted's success. Seeing as how the inspiration for Ted's infamous take down of STL catcher Bengie Molina stems from Molina not agreeing to take part in TL's Annual PTA Bake Sale, we feel confident that this is an important cog in the machine...


• Dissection of Ted's brain matter and plasma. Now--we admit--this actually is a little bit creepy but idea was inspired by the urban myths involving Einstein's brain and Ted Williams' head that currently lives at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation. Of course, this third part of the plan will most likely run into trouble since Ted is, in fact, immortal but we applaud the effort.

Initial support for the effort has been bipartisan.

Senator Jim Brunning (R- Kentucky and Ted Head) commented, "President Obama's budget, loaded with pork and taxes on small businesses, I cannot support. However, the appointment of a Secretary of Teducation whose goal is to use the chiseled abdominals of TL as an example to build Americans "Core" values something we can all get behind."

"Wall Street won't get taxpayers money without accountability," added Barney Frank (D- Mass and Ted Head), "President Obama's Sec. of Teducation help will enforce TARP programs through administering knee buckling executive pay caps and face melting, high heat, regulation just like Ted Lilly does every fifth day."

No official comment from the Lilly camp but Politico is reporting that Edward Stratton III (Ricky Schroeder's dad on Silver Spoons and head of fictional Eddie Toys corporation), Ted DiBiase (aka WWF's Million Dollar Man) and Socrates (TLFC has enlisted the Executive Search firm of Bill and Ted to track down Socrates if he is indeed picked as final candidate) are the leading candidates for the position which does not require Congressional approval but only a quiet nod and fist of power from TL.

With Fontenot Set To Appear In TBS' "My Boys", What Other TV Shows Make Sense For Cubbies?

News from Cubs.com is that Mike Fontenot (one-half of the Cajun Connection) is set to appear on TBS' sitcom "My Boys". Normally, the TLFC 72 inch Sharp Aquos Plasma is turned into ESPN News, BBC America or the Jetsons (TLFC Super Computer has a creepy weird thing for Rosie the Robot) but, in this situation, we'll have to keep an eye out for Fontenot/FontenYES! in the coming months.

According to the article, "the show focuses on a Chicago female sportswriter named P.J., who is played by actress Jordana Spiro. Fontenot's storyline focuses on his TV girlfriend trying to make him jealous by flirting with one of P.J.'s friends.".

Officially, we're still not exactly sure what to do with TBS. It's not nearly as serious as big brother TNT (cueing overly dramatic music--home of Emmy-nominated 'the Closer' with Kyra Sedwick), not nearly as redneck/frat-friendly as Spike TV and not as African-American-focused as BET (Nielsen demographics don't lie).

BUT--we are happy that national television has agree with our long-standing theory that appearances by Cubs players are exactly what TV needs to get out of our sitcom/reality TV malaise.

With that in mind, we thought it'd be Monday am fun to help out the Cubs PR Department and spotlight a few other TV shows that'd be a good fit for Cubbie players.

• Ted Lilly on A&E's "Beast": Okay--so Swayze is probably about as alpha male as it gets (what with the whole beat-cancer thing AND being Dalton) but what about introducing another rogue agent who's hellbent on ridding this world of the bad guys AT ANY COST. Ted would be perfect for this role...and, in case you're wondering, yep--TL plays by his own rules.



• Jeff Samardzija on UPN's "America's Next Top Model": With his flowing locks and high cheekbones, we think he'd be perfect as the next contestant in this show where a number of women compete for a chance to start their career in the modeling industry. Of course, the show being on UPN is also perfect since UPN is basically Triple A of modern TV and Jeffy-Boy needs to spend some time down in Iowa before starring at Wrigley.



• Carlos Zambrano on A&E's "Intervention": Yes, Big Z is our Opening Day pitcher but let's be honest: does Cubbie Nation really feel comfortable with him at the helm? (Paging Jake Peavy, Paging Jake Peavy). We need to sit him down on a dramatic, personal episode of "Intervention" and let him know that we need him to settle down a bit and not be so much of a powder keg. Imagine this dialogue. TLFC: "Carlos--your temper tantrums and emotional recklessness is hurting us and it's hurting you... and... well, it's hurting us too. (sniffle). We need you to take a timeout and get back to the Carlos we know and love--the Carlos of 2007 not 2008." CZ's response: jdkjdfhskdjfhskdjfhsk (inaudible Spanglish).



• Kevin Gregg on eventual Sci-Fi Channel small screen adaptation of "the Spirit": Yep--this movie bombed (only $20M USD at box office) but Sci-Fi Channel has never been known to really care about the quality of their content (tonight's lineup? a few episodes of Star Trek: Next Generation followed by a show called "Gurren Lagann" and then "RaveMaster"). Are we regurgitating content from early blogs? Absolutely--but we doubt anyone actually reads our blogs this far...



• Reed Johnson on NBC's "Deal or No Deal": Doing some quick math, it's only a matter of time before Howie Mandel has a nervous breakdown or freaks out, requiring another bald personality to take on his role on this game show. Enter Reed Johnson. There might even be a cross-over opportunity with Jeff Samardzija serving as one of the "suitcase models". (Hello Cubs PR Department? Are you listenting? This is all promotional gold)...

Any other ideas Ted Heads? Please send them to TedLillyRules@gmail.com or put them in comments below. We're lazy this morning and welcome any opportunity to piggyback off of your virtual genius.

-Yours In Ted.

Photo courtesy of Morry Gash/AP

Milwaukee Brewers Closer Trevor Hoffman Doubtful for Opening Day, Ted Lilly Fan Club Rejoices: "We Told You So"

According to a report from the Associated Press, The Milwaukee Brewers will not have new closer Trevor Hoffman available on opening day due to a strained right oblique muscle. While we could develop an entire blog around the fact that "a strained right oblique" sounds more like something Suzy Homemaker gets after a tough pilates session at her local Curves Gym than a MLB injury, we are just going to sit back and gleefullly re-read our January 9th blog on Hoffman.

Entitled, "Milwaukee Brewers Sign Trevor Hoffman For $6 Million, Ted Lilly Fan Club asks “Was John Franco not available?”", the post calls into question the signing and wonders if Hoffman was really the Brew Crew's best bet for closer. Our virtual two cents? It wasn't. Probably better off paying up a little bit and grabbing Brian Fuentes (two years, $17 million) or even Kerry Wood (pricey option at two years, $21.5 million but also nice f- you to the Cubs).

BUT--since, as official members of Cub Nation, we are required to pray for the demise of each and every NL Central team, we openly applaud this announcement and are getting close to putting Brewers GM Doug Melvin in the same esteemed class at Astros GM Ed Wade (We're not there yet but we're getting close...).

Simply put, we told you so.

Pic above taken from GasLamp Ball...

Misc, Non-Drunken Ramblings from Ted Lilly Fan Club

Not a lot going on baseball-wise before the WBC starts up again this weekend w/ Team USA playing Japan on Sunday so we wanted to put virtual pen to virtual paper and just cover off on a few random peccadillos that were floating around the Fan Club this morning.

• Evan Longoria added to Team USA: Honestly--amazing, amazing move. Chipper goes down and Davey Boy wisely replaces him with Chipper Jr. While Evan is not nearly as attractive as his older sister, he hits for power and average, plays solid defense and, as team rookie, can be counted on to pick up team meals at Johnny Rockets. Bodes well for Team Freedom.
• eSurance Commercials: Not since the Noid threated to steal our pizza have we been more irritated at an advertising campaign (editor's note: Ted actually killed the noid in 1991 with a lillyhammer to his red rabbit ears). These eSurance commercials are god awful (especially the one with the even-creepier-than-John-Mayer coffee shoop guitarist riffing on being "animated")--we simply hope that eSurance doesn't make the jump when rest of TV makes the conversion to HD
• Billy Packer: Okay--so Packer is a little nutso (He's been known to play golf courses in reverse, from green to tee and even hired a psychic to find the weapon in the O.J. Simpson murder case) but we miss him annoucning the NCAA games. He was peanut butter to Jim Nantz's jelly (or is it the other way around?). Racist comments aside, he was a big part of March Madness and deserves a better fate than the Wynn in Las Vegas
• Lilly Allen's Womanizer: Why can't we get this out of our collective Brains? Judge Us, we're comfortable with this.
• Correction Tape. Weird rambling eh? The other day we were down in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Home Office and Idea Factory (TLFCHOAIF) and needed to make a quick change to the TLFC Manifesto. Solution? Correction tape. Stuff is amazing. This is the kind of stuff that MIT geeks at NASA just sit around thinking up. That and how they could learn from TL's adamantium skin to make a better, stronger, faster Space Shuttle.
• The word for "Ted Lilly" in Chinese also means "opportunity." As part of our growth plan (in advance of Jan 2010 IPO), we have been exploring how to gain traction in burgeoning market of China. As such, we have been studying up on Chinese history, analyzing the stats of Harry Kingman (first MLB player born in China) and learning the language. As part of this intense Rosetta Stone education (note: Rosetta Stone is official language learning software of the TLFC), we found out that "Ted Lilly" in Chinese is actually the same word for "opportunity." Synergy, friends, syngery.
• TLFC NCAA Prediction: Pitt over UConn in final.

Enjoy the weekend, Ted Heads...T(L)-minus 16 days til opening day.

Sports Illustrated Calls Brewers Yovani Gallardo An "Ace"--Ted Lilly Fan Club Asks "Are We in Crazy Town?"

With most Ted Heads are focusing on the NCAA tournament (we're still upset that Ted's alma mater, Fresno City College didn't get a free pass to the 64-team field as a homage to TL), we wanted to point out some crazniess going on over at Sports Illustrated.

SI cub reporter Ted "Scoop" Keith today writes that "it is the young, gifted and cost-effective Gallardo who has the most physical ability and thus the best chance to be the new ace -- and new face -- of the Brewers' rotation."

Okay, Teddy boy, let's slow down for a second.

Now, as we stated in our Brewers preview, TLFC remains convinced that this team is dangerous but Gallardo as a staff ace? That's just crazy talk...

However, if you mean "ace" by default, sure, we kinda agree...but we'd like to highlight the problems with such logic by referencing a line from Simpsons Episode "Much Apu About Nothing" (We could have tried to capture the sentiment on our own but Critical Thinking very clearly and articulately summarizes the idea that "correlation does not imply causation" so we are just going to sit back, quote the episode and let their genius win the day).

After a single bear wandering into town has drawn an over-reaction from the residents of Springfield, Homer stands outside his house and muses, “Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is working like a charm!” Lisa sees through his reasoning: “That’s specious reasoning, dad.”

Homer, misunderstanding the word “specious”, thanks her for the compliment.

Optimistically, she tries to explain the error in his argument: “By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.” Homer is confused: “Hmm; how does it work?” Lisa: “It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!” Homer: “Uh-huh.” Lisa: “… but I don’t see any tigers around, do you?” Homer, after a moment’s thought: “Lisa, I want to buy your rock…”

So, Ted Keith...Gallardo is an ace? Can we amend to "Ace by Default" (ABD)? or even "Fakey Ace"? If not, we'll have to steal Critical Thinking's line that your logic is specious at best.

If not.....Welcome to Crazy Town, population Ted Keith.

Team USA Rallys in 9th Inning for WBC Victory, TLFC salutes David Wright Fan Club

Normally, if this a day after a Cubs loss, we'd be spending this virtual space trying to explain why Ted was less than stellar (e.g. climate change, preoccupation with economic crisis, bionic arm needs repair) but, since the WBC is all about America (f*ck yeah!), we are going to sit back in our FC breakfast nook, have some French Vanilla Sanka and focus on the positive.

The main positive in this case? The David Wright Fan Club.

After hitting the game-winning 2-run single in the bottom of the 9th to beat Puerto Rico and carry the U.S. to the final round of the World Baseball Classic, Wright had this to say, "You're talking about representing the United States of America...You've got that across the front of your chest. To be able to get that hit, that's got to be right up there at the top of the list."

More importantly, Wright's heroics gave the David Wright Fan Club (DWFC) an opportunity to use all sorts of bad puns to celebrate the victory. "The Wright Stuff"? "Wright Way"? "Wright Angle"? It currently goes by "Wright Now" but maybe we need to add Van Halen blaring in the backround?

You really could go a million ways...As a fan club that is used to oh-so-clever puns, we appreciate the opportunity to use a high profile event like Wright's walk-off in the WBC to increase the "clever" and sprinkle virtual "funny" on the blogosphere.

So, instead of saluting David Wright (he does get paid the GDP of a small country to play a game), the Ted Lilly Fan Club salutes the David Wright Fan Club. Fire it up Wright Heads!

Quick note: Image comes courtesy of Rhona Wise /EPA

Quasi-Live Blog of Ted Lilly's Start Against Puerto Rico in WBC

Okay--technical difficulties for the 1st half-inning Ted heads...but we heard Al Leiter's characterization of TL as "sneaky" and "smooth", saw TL drop a filthy Lillyhammer against Beltran for the K and rejoiced over Pudge being caught in a pickoff (enjoy Houston Astro Fans).

Picture to the right is courtesty of visual genius Tim Souers at Cubby Blue. Do yourself a favor and check out his site here. We use bad photoshop, he has real talent. We respect that balance.

6:28: TL back on the mound in 2nd inning. Seriously--It might be the extra cold, extra smooth Bud Extra (official beer of the TLFC) but is there anyone else you'd want in a foxhole with you?

6:29: DeRosa, wanting to pay Ted back for helping him "score tail" at Murphys Bleachers, makes a ridiculous catch in left. Thanks Mark--enjoy Cleveland. We hear it rocks.

6:30: Wow. Ted, always a softie for former teammates, gives up boom shot to Alex Rios. PR up 1-0. Classic Ted with the home run. Classic TLFC trying to make excuse for Ted's lack of greatness. Don't worry Ted, we know there's only one set of footprints: we were carrying you.

6:32: Geovanni Soto (TLFC prefers his Italian-American spelling) has never had a hit against TL. Sure--critics will say that b/c they're teammates on the Cubs. We say it's b/c TL is ridiculously good and Geo is a fraidy cat. Agree to disagree.

6:41: It's official: Harold Reynolds is a hack. Al Leiter is the class of this squad and that's only b/c he quasi looks like TL. That being said, David Wright on first--we need to make this happen--Strikeout King Dunn at bat....seven pitches later, Dunn strikes outs--standard.

6:48: Wright on 3rd, the Rose on 1st (why did we trade him again?) and 1 out. Feels promising (cracking another Bud Extra)...Wow--international excitement as David Wright scores on tag from 3rd. We just put our hand through a window. Tie game. TL returns to ab work in club house.

6:51: 2-1 U.S. on Shane Victorino single. Ab work all finished, TL starts learning Arabic before heading out for top of 3rd.

6:55: Ted is back on mound. Matt Vasgersian (aka fakey Jeremy Piven) comments that Felipe Lopez might "scare Ted Lilly." What a dbag--only thing that scares Ted Lilly is a mirror. Wow--strike em out/throw em out to end the inning. Second broken window--Team America still up by 1.

7:08: Youklis goes yard. U.S. up two runs. Back in clubhouse, Youk thanks TL for batting tips. Ted just smiles. Adam Dunn gets beaned--Ted starts foaming at the mouth with visions of June last year in Atlanta. You've been warned, Puerto Rico, you've been warned..

7:22: Top of 4th inning, TL still going strong. Note: WBC in 2nd Round has a 85 pitch limit for pitchers. No word on if there is a limit on how many crunches TL can do in-between innings. Just doesn't seem fair.

7:26: Leiter asks for more Lillyhammer from Ted. Just can't get enough. Seems like Al has a fever and the only cure is more Lillyhammer. With that in mind, TL, gulp, gives up a two-run dinger against Delgado. Ugh....TL's night is over and, like a good soldier, so is the TLFC's.

7:30: Cracking another Bud Extra (trying to dull the pain)

7:31: Cracking another Bud Extra (still trying to dull the pain)

7:32: Cracking another Bud Extra (can't believe what happened)

7:33: Cracking another Bud Extra (you get the picture)

Ted Lilly World Baseball Classic Start #3 Preview: “Get The Ball to Ted” Edition (GTBTTE)

After Team America held off the upstart Dutch Sunday night (fill in legalized marijuana joke here: ___), our collective eyes turn towards Tuesday evening when Ted Lilly gets the ball in the 2nd round WBC elimination game against Puerto Rico.

While the stage and names of jerseys are a tad different, this situation reminds us last October when, in game #3 of the NL Division Series, Sweet Lou decided to not start Ted Lilly against the Dodgers, preferring to let Richy Harden go against LA.

Our first reaction was quiet confidence: Down 0-2, all Harden needed to do was Get The Ball To Ted (GTBTT) and we're back home at Wrigley.

As we watched the Dodgers loss unfold, we screamed and screamed and screamed like 3rd graders wanting a juice box or a new game for the Wii: “Get the Ball to Ted…Get the MF-ing Ball to Ted”—but our cries went unanswered, sadly, the Cubs season ended prematurely and, somewhere, the music died.

Here we are, some 5 months later and We The People need a TL victory more than ever—not just for the Cubs but for America, democracy, freedom and Mrs. Lilly’s famous Apple Pie (wanna know her secret ingredient? She's has two: love and TL's tears).

At first blush, it seems like our long-rumored theory of a team of Ted Lilly Clones (TLC) is the answer. Turns out that mainstream media agrees: Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci, “Team USA was so battered by injuries that manager Davey Johnson alerted Ted Lilly, a $40 million pitcher for the Cubs, to be ready to play leftfield… Johnson liked the way he runs after balls during batting practice. No kidding."

While we profoundly disagree with Verducci that Ted is a $40 million pitcher (TL is, in fact, insured at "Priceless" by Lloyds like Len Casper's voice or Al Gore's lockbox), but we think Johnson might be onto something. TL starts on the mound, focusing on dropping filthy Lillyhammers on Puerto Rico. Johnson then shifts TL to left and "replaces" Ted after the maximum pitches allowed. This adds Ted's bat and improves his defense over the slowfooted McCann. It also guarantees that Paul Sullivan will pee his pants twice during the game.

TLFC Super Computer is on Robot High Spring Break (Cancun bitches! Helloooo Senor Frogs! Let's get the zinc oxide on and make some mistakes) so we invite in a guest TLFC Prognosticator and Four-Time Heavyweight Champion of the World Sgt. Slaughter: 4 IP, 4 Ks, 1 hit and 1 crushed national spirit of Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico?---You're dismissed, maggot!

We just punched our hand through a wall and, not surprisingly, it bled red, white and blue.

Fire it up, Ted Heads! U-S-A chant starts NOW!

Ted Lilly Fan Club 2009 Preview: Milwaukee Brewers

We remain convinced that this team is dangerous.

Unfazed by high expectations, last year's squad pushed through August on the backs of the Sabathia train but again fell apart, ultimately costing Ned Yost his job with only 12 games to go in the season.

Who is this team? A dangerously powerful group of youthful mashers or a cobbled collection of pitchers hoping to limit opposing teams to 4-5 runs a game? What will post injury Gallardo be like? How will they survive without Carsten Charles or Ben Sheets? Can Milwaukeeans understand mono-syllabic words?

And to clarify, Brett Favre is NOT walking through that door...So, without further adieu, let's take a look at your 2009 Milwaukee Brewers and how they've done against TL:

2b Rickie Weeks: 0.154/0.214/0.615 2 H 2 HR in 14 AB? - Weeks' line can only be explained by luck. When Rickie steps to the plate against TL he closes his eyes and swings as hard as he can. TL can't win every time. (not true- TL can)

SS J.J. Hardy: 0.188/0.188/.375 1K 1 RBI in 16 AB 5 sleepless nights before he faced Ted.

LF Ryan Braun: 0.462/0.500/1.0777 2 HR 3 K in 14 AB. Tasty line against TL, that's for sure. Little can stop Braun, that's why we expect an uptick in his HBP this year.

1b Prince Fielder: 0.400/0.444/0.467 0 HR 4K 1 HBP in 18 AB. Another tasty line, but fueled by some rouge doubles. Who doesn't like to see a fat man run? TL was just trying to wear him down. We've seen Fielder projected to hit 41 HRs and bat in mid .250s in some systems, but we think the fresh Prince just needs to embrace his father's roots and start slopping on the weight. Burger King Whoppers, cheese fries, funnel cakes---Prince needs to do a round-robin tour of Wisco State Fairs and put aside this ridiculous notion of being a vegetarian.

RF Corey Hart: 0.267/0.313/0.667 1 HR 3 RBI 3 K in 15 AB. Sweet Tatoo bro.

CF Mike Cameron: 0.256/0.286/0.407 1 HR 4 RBI 7 K in 27 AB. We used to love Killa Cam but the general wear and tear (read foreign substances) makes us wonder how long he'll last. The Melky deal from this summer would have been interesting, why stick with Cam for 10 mm?

3B Bill Hall: 0.143/0.250/0.143 4 K in 14 AB. Appeared on an episode of the Young And The Restless . . . at least that's what wikipedia says.

C Jason Kendall: 0.250/0.333/0.375 2 K 1 RBI in 16 AB Former Cub, Pirate and Athletic. We're not going to give you any projections or advice here because, let's be honest, JK is not going to factor into anything this season except for a promotional appearance at the Brat Stop or autograph session at Mars Cheese Castle.

TLFC Super Computer Prediction: If the pitching holds up, the Brew Crew might have a shot at the Wild Card but w/ the Mets and Phillies looking strong in the East and Dodgers and D'Bags in the West, it'll be tough competition. Best bet? Brewers play well enough for Wisconsinites to forget that they live in Wisconsin and let them bide their time til Packer Training Camp in late summer.

Next up? Cinnasty Reds...

awesome image via The Onion

Quasi-Live Blog of Ted Lilly's Start Against Venezuela in WBC

Live blog time, Ted Heads...we're not sure if this is going to work. To clarifty, we know that we will be able to live blog...it's really more of a question of whether we can balance our emotional intensity w/ TL starting with our blogging duties.

5:37: Ted Lilly first pitch. Not sure we like him wearing #33 but whatever, Basketball Jesus wore #33 so that's good for TL. Game is on.

5:38: 1st mention of TL's skirmish with then-Toronto manager John Gibbons (do a shot if you're playing the TLFC At-Home Drinking Game--for 21+ Ted Heads only)

5:42: Quick 1-2-3 for TL. No doubt Hugo Chavez is scared of paying out on his bet to the TLFC. We can't wait for some of that pure water from Venezuela's Angel Falls...

5:44: U.S. line-up is announced. Not sure we appreciate the fact that TL won't be allowed to bat and that golden boy Jeter is taking his spot. But--we guess WBC has to even stakes when TL is playing. Word out of Toronto is that TL has agreed to pitch righty if US goes up by 2 runs.

5:50: Commenators focusing on TL's short stride as reason for his pitching prowess. All due respect, we think it has something to do w/ his sublime abs, weird crazy intensity and adherence to Tom Emanski baseball videos.

5:52: Infield single that Rollins should have had. We can't blame him. It's tough to play the field behind a god (not the God but a god). Deep breaths, Jimmy, you'll be okay. Remember--in the WBC, there are only one set of footprints on the beach--that was when TL was carrying you. TL is out of the 2nd inning--only 24 pitches thrown.

6:03: Davey Johnson needs to grow his mustache. He might get out of 1st round of WBC w/out it but stakes get higher in round 2. If the TLFC could grow a mustache, we would. If Davey needs any advice, look no further than 3rd base when HOFer Mike Schmidt has taken up shop for the United States. Or click on one of those $30 movies in your hotel room--odds are one of those "actors" are rocking a mustache. We're just saying...

6:10: Inning 3. Ted Lilly vs. Hank White. Oh boy--Hank White wins (if you had former Cubs catcher Henry Blanco going yard against TL in the WBC Sqaures Game--you win!). Any Ted Head knows that TL has a flair for the dramatic so settle in/settle down...Chavez's nationals strike first and Team USA is down 1-0.

6:22: Big V, Victor Zambrano pitches another quick inning. USA is still down one run. TLFC just praying to JooBu that TL gets another inning.

6:25: Sweet Jesus. Ted Lilly has been given the hook so LaTroy Hawkins can get some work in. LaTroy f-ing Hawkins. Whatever. With TL only going three, we can sit back, relax and put the live blogging aside (LaTroy Hawkins Fan Club can take it from here).

It's just like Ted to purposely give up a run so a downtrodden Venezulean team can gain a little confidence before round 2. Seriously--is there anything this guy doesn't do?

Milkwaukee Brewers preview coming soon, Ted Heads...

Open Letter To Hugo Chavez in Advance of Team USA’s Game Against Venezuela

Greetings Comrade Chavez,

We decided to open with a traditional “comrade” greeting which we learned from watching late night TBS viewings of “Iron Eagle II” and “Russkies” in addition to our ritualistic Tuesday night viewings of Yakov Smiroff stand-up routines from Branson, Missouri. We thought that this would make you (and whoever on your staff controls the InterWeb) comfortable. Let’s move on.

In a few short hours, Team USA will take the field against your Venezuelan national team in the World Baseball Classic (no--you're not allowed to play so put your bat down). Leading Team USA is Ted “Theodore Roosevelt” Lilly who, we think, your state media censors have dubbed El Diablo for his ability to raise the dead through his pitching prowess and/or intense Revolution-inciting stare. You'll also note that he was named after American president, folk hero and stuffed animal inspiration Teddy Roosevelt. Yep--the leader of the Rough Riders. Getting scared yet Hugo?

Now, we will admit that your squad has some talent: King Felix, Big Z and K-Rod on the mound, Mags and Miguel Cabrera in the field. But let’s be honest here: you and your gang of Bolivian Revolutionaries have no shot against Team USA led by Mr. Freedom incarnate - Ted MF'in Lilly.

Sure—you can come to the UN and make derisive comments about US policy but keep in mind: we’re a non-partisan Fan Club and, as such, we focus squarely on the game in the field (not the nationalization of oil production, government’s arm-twisting ability to rule by decree or Venezuela’s notoriously high birth rate, or your insane weekly talk show).

Thus, with that in mind, the Ted Lilly Fan Club wants to make a bet with you.

If USA wins this match, you owe us some government-subsidized oil, a Turpial and bottled water from Angel Falls. If somehow Venezuela wins (legal disclosure: this will not happen—masters of the universe would never let this happen), the TLFC will provide blogging counsel/advice for a period of 3 months, two Gino’s East famous Deep Dish pizzas (official deep dish pizza of the TLFC) and a 12 pack of extra cold, extra smooth Bud Extra.

What say you sir? Do we have a deal? We have both English and Spanish speakers on staff here so feel free to respond in either language. Gracias.

-Ted Lilly Fan Club

Ted Lilly Fan Club 2009 Preview: Houston Astros

Oh, How we hate this team. It's not a sudden, "wow, I hate that team" type feeling, it's a "Given the choice between Jim Bowden and Ed Wade, we'd take Bowden and not look back" type of hate. And really, as any longtime Ted Head knows, for us, hatred for the Astros starts and ends with Ed Wade.

Why? Well, we think it should anger any baseball fan (looking iun your direction Astro Super Fan Jordan Rittenberry) when a baseball team is ruined by incompetence. Mr. Wade took a perennially tough NL Central team loaded with some great players (Oswalt, Lee, Berkman) and drove it straight to the cellar.

While we acknowledge that the Astro's core played well and made a run of it towards the end of last season, their chances were supposedly ruined by Hurrican Ike, yet this has little to do with our ultimate criticism of Ed Wade: every Astro's move last year (Valverde, Matsui, Tejada) did nothing to help his team win games at any point beyond 2008. Why get mortgage your future for a washed out steriod suspect and an overpaid closer? We're not sure either. Free B-12 shots anyone?

This lack of foresight means this team will start Michael Bourne in center with 36 year Old Geoff Blum at the hot corner (currently #52 on ESPN's Fantasy Baseball Rankings behind Astros rookie Chris Johnson). Failure to plan means the rotation relies on Mike Hampton and assumes Brandom Backe can pitch at a major league level (Roy Oswalt deserves better). Lack of planning means we're not sure how to end this paragraph. Moving on...

Our viceral hate for this team is sidetracking what we really wanted to do with these previews, which is go over each teams projected squad and see what to expect when they face TL. Note, many of these will include, "tremble in fear" and "stand in awe of TL's chiseled features."

On to it then...Your 2009 Houston Astros:

1. 2B Kazuo Matsui: Matsui is just bad
.167 BA, .286 OBP, .500 SLG, 0 HR, 0 RBI in 6 AB against TL
2. RF Hunter Pence: Famously pulled a Kerry Wood, wears socks high
.167 BA, .167 OBP, .167 SLG, 0 HR, 1 RBI in 12 AB versus Ted
3. 1B Lance Berkman: Fat Elvis, one of the finer players around, owned by TL
.063 BA, .111 OBP, .063 SLG, 0 HR, 1 RBI, 5 k in 16 AB of fear
4. LF El Caballo: Means "Like Ted Lilly" In Spanish
.208 BA, .296 OBP, .417 SLG, 1 HR, 2 RBI, in 24 AB
5. SS Miguel Tejada: Was actually crying over the prospect of facing TL. Should be in jail.
.182 BA, .270 OBP, .242 SLG, 0 HR, 3 RB in 33 AB
6. 3B Geoff Blum: Best Line against TL on the squad, only reason he starts
.273 BA, .385 OBP, .364 SLG, 0 HR, 1 RBI in 11 quaking
7. CF Micheal Boure is fast. That's about it. Bourne identity is a sub-par center fielder.
1 for 3 against TL
8. C Humberto Quintero or JR Towles.
0 for 8 combined. Astros looking into asking for a "Pass" for this line up spot. Brad Ausmus never looked so sweet.

Sure, you statisctical naysayers might say, "Sample Size" or "This is stupid," but we respond back that you're stupid and that we think it is very interesting that despite playing their games in the HR friendly Wrigley and Juice Box, only Lee has a HR against the supposedly Homer prone TL. Our response? Ted owns these guys and, in true Ted nature, he'll make sure the rest of the rotation comes over on Sunday night's for Mrs. Lilly's famous meatloaf and game tape session with Ted.

Ted Lilly Fan Club sees the Astros competing for the cellar in 2009 and Ed Wade polishing his resume mid season. Up Next: Milwaukee Brewers.

TLFC Spring Training Dispatch #2: Mesa is Craziest City Ever

Happy morning, AZ Ted Heads! Greetings from the beautiful Best Western (official home of Cubs Spring Training). Our TLFC Traveling Band has now officially declared that Mesa might be the craziest/weirdest city this side of the Mississippi. Despite being the second largest city in the AZ, it does not treat itself like a major city. It's a weird cross being a fakey major city, a big suburb and Thunderdome. No bars in the "downtown" area except for a shade-ball bar, Kirks, located next to the Mezona Inn (this is the kind of place where you go in to grab a beer and leave without a kidney). They also really don't have reliable public transportation (reminder, TLFC is an eco-friendly fan club).

Anyway--a few news/notes from yesterday brought to you by Four Peaks Brewery in Tempe (official brewhouse of TLFC Spring Training):

- Sean Marshall made a very clear announcement that he, not the Mayo King, is in the driver's seat for the 5th Starter spot with a very strong outing on Sunday afternoon against Josh Hamilton. Smarsh tossed 4 shutout innings with three strikeouts.

- Rangers Updates: Catcher Jared Saltalaimacchia is just going to be ridiculous--absolutely fantasy gold (ditto for Elvis Andrus). Of course, more importantly, he has a fantastic Scrabble name and he married one of his high school teachers... fantasy gold, indeed.

- Andruw Jones also made an appearance--his at-bat looked like this: Fat Andruw takes position; takes ball one; hosses down chicago style dog; takes ball two; hosses down a funnel cake; takes ball three; eats remaining funnel cake syrup off his jersey; takes ball four and waddles down to first base.

- Other Non-Smarsh Cubs Updates: Do we really trust Neal Cotts in that set-up/reliever role? Yes--he did look good--especially yesterday when, in the 7th, he struck out the side and then parted his fabulous hair ... uhm, we mean, Cotts used to be a White Sock so do we want to trust him when Kevin Gregg realizes that he is, in fact, Kevin Gregg? Not sure---he might be one of the first people that we'd vote off the island in NL Central Survivor. Just so you know, we'd keep Ed Wade because he'd trade us shelter and food for shiney objects.

- Thinking back to our AARP post yesterday, we also realized that senior citizens Cub Fans (aka old people) absolutely LOVE doing score cards. We're not sure if this is b/c they love organization or if it reminds them of the jumbo word finds they enjoy doing. We'll investigate more today as we head to the Royals game.

If you have any clever Juan Cruz insults, please send them our way: TedLillyRules@Gmail.com

TLFC Spring Training Report: AARP Convention

Ted Heads, we always try to be honest with you. Sure we've lied sometimes and maybe we've embellished a few things (like when we referred Ted's calves being perfectly sculpted, when they are, in actuality, simply 'sculpted') but, on balance, we're been totally honest with you.

As such, we have to admit, that when we found ourselves yesterday at Spring Training we peed our pants in excitement. Now that's off our chests... let's get to it:

While it was a long trip from Chicago to Arizona, our advice from Clark Griswold was correct: if you're going to take the family cross-country, you're going to want to use the queen family truckster. Upon arriving at the glorious Best Western Mezona Inn (official hotel of TLFC Spring Training), we settled in and headed over to HoHoKam for the Friday afternoon game against the Dodgers. A few thoughts/observations:

- It took us about 35 minutes to settle in our seats and another 35 minutes of confusion to realize that we were not in fact attending a Golden Girls Convention but were actually at a Cubs game. We looked left (Blanche), we looked right (Dorothy)--and it occurred to us that this was going to be more like a Palm Beach vacation than a Miami Beach vacation beneath the fine Mesa sun.

Now--no offense to The Olds -- we here at the TLFC honor our elders and know that, at some point, some elder birthed Ted (likely Cronus and Rhea) so, in that respect, elders are a-ok with us. Once we accepted this, the only real disappointment was that the only freebies at the game was Centrum Silver and stories from the crowd about "how things used to be."

- Dumpster started the game and got into trouble early in the 1st. He just didn't look too strong--delivery seemed a bit off. We're chalking that up to the fact that he's Canadian and loves Willy Horton Doughnuts. Now, we have always loved the Demp, but our thinking is that the post contract expectations might weigh a bit into early season. Nonetheless, we expect that Johnny Drama stays true to his 2008 form and not his 2007 heart-attack-special season.

- So far, TLFC Super Computer spent its entire Mesa experience lubed up with zinc oxide working on data algorithms related to the odds of Sweet Lou growing his Sweet Beard for Spring Training. Results? Doesn't look good.

- No Manny kinda sucked. Granted, someone who signs a massive contract has no incentive to hustle down to Mesa to take BP, but we would have loved just an appearance. Board game king Milton Bradley just doesn't bring the same kind of excitement/chaos that Manny does. Viva La Idiots!

- No surprise to anyone but Spring Training games remind us of Saturday Night Live. It starts with a bang (with major league talent in the first few innings) and ends with crap (read: minor league fill-ins, hangers on and Jim Hendry's cousins playing the field.) George Schales? Who the f- is George Schales? We're paying $7.50 a beer to watch George Schales?

Ted Heads, today is an off-day (stretching, bronzing etc.) but we head to HoHoKam on Sunday against the Texas Rangers. Anyone there should email us at tedlillyrules@gmail.com - want to share a frosty cup Mr. Sullivan?

As for the rest of the week, we'll try and give you Ted Heads a glimpse of wonderful Mesa as best we can. We'll be free from our daily TLFCHQ chores, so we may also have some extra time on our hands for a few extra preview posts. Who knows? All you need to know is that we're absolutely Fired Up, hope you are too.

WBC Update: Ted Lilly Gets No-Decision, Ted Lilly Fan Club Undecided On What To Blog

Old school Ted Head and Doors frontman Jim Morrison once sang, "Strange days have found us...Strange days have tracked us down...They're going to destroy our casual joys...We shall go on playing or find a new town."

Strange days indeed, Ted Heads as Ted gets an official no-decision in today's start against the Toronto Blue Jays. His official line? 4 innings pitched, 2 hits, 1 earned run and a couple of Ks.

Honestly--we're not even really sure what to blog about here. In the past, when Ted pitches his standard game of par excellence (said with a Fontenot-esque French accent), we will post a game recap with a cleverly-worded Cubs victory song (here) or uses phrases like "immortal beloved" or "instant classic/tedtastic".

In those rare occassions when Ted pitches less-than-excellent (usually in some vain, Hoosiers-esque attempt to teach Samardjiza that there are lessons to be learned in defeat), we will uncover any stone looking for a reason why he lost (here).

However, in this situation, we're not even really sure what to do. We can't blog about a victory, we can't blog about a loss and we certainly can't blog about TL's ridiculously sublime abs (yep, we agree,that's starting to get a little creepy like a guy who hangs out in a van by a kid's school).

Instead--we'll just post a link to the TLFC's favorite web site of the moment: F*ck My Life. This clever little site is a random collection of anonymous musings and posts from the InterWeb. Has this site been around for a while? Probably..we were just too focused on TL's abs (see above).

TLFC Has Nothing To Blog About Today? F*ck My Life.

Ted Lilly World Baseball Classic Start #1: Stratego Edition

Every Tuesday night at the Fan Club, we all gather round the kitchen table and enjoy a fun night of board games. TLFC Super Computer is partial to Boggle. Our Columbia College Intern Mitch prefers Sorry! (including making the slide whistle noise). And TLFC House Mom Brenda prefers the old-time sensibility of Girl Talk.

But, we were all pleasantly surprised when someone pulled out the game of Stratego. Looking at the box (and image to our right), we could help but notice the uncanny resemblance of that soldier on the white horse to a certain 5'10" lefty from Torrance, CA.

In fact, with Ted set to take the mound today in his first exhibition start of the WBC against Brad Mills and the Toronto Blue Jays, it seemed fitting that we use a war allusion to set the tone. Sure--it's been a few years since TL left the not-so-friendly confines of the Sky Dome but rest assured that the bad blood still remains from Ted's infamous confrontation with then-Blue Jays manager John "I smell like farts" Gibbons.

WBC begins in a few days and this is the perfect opportunity for Ted to really fire it up before he takes on the world. Sure--Team USA manager Davey Johnson might start Peavy or Oz in front of Lilly to sell a few more jerseys or campaign for the eventual open managerial position in San Diego or Houston but TL is the glue of this team. Think he's not taking it seriously? Let's take a quick look back at his comments from February:

"I never had a chance to play for my country or represent my country in the service or baseball or any other way…As a child, that's something I thought I would do. My grandfather and my father and my uncles all served in the Navy. That's something I thought I would have a chance to do. This is the next closest thing."

We'll say it again, Ted Heads. Sweet Jesus. Ted MF-ing Lilly. If you're in a foxhole, do you want anyone else next to you? Agreed--we wouldn't either...

With that, we'll welcome in the TLFC Super Computer who could also use a little practice before the regular season starts.

TLFCSC Prediction: 3.2 IP; 4 Ks; 1 hit and 1 stadium-size U-S-A chant.

World Baseball Classic Update: Seizmore Out, Bullpen Diminished—Where Are the Ted Lilly Clones?

News out of Arizona is that an already weakened Team USA squad is getting weaker with the losses of Grady Seizmore (man-parts), Joe Nathan (shoulder), BJ Ryan (mechanics), Brian Fuentes (injury undisclosed) and Alex Rodriguez (steroid jockey decided to play for the DR).

Instead, the brainchildren (is that the correct plural of brain child? Is it brain people?) at USA Headquarters decided that the best we could do to replace this level of skill and power would be, gasp, Ex-Cub Latroy Hawkins, Joel f-ing Hanrahan (yep—we had to look him up too) and Adam Dunn (he of the 164 strikeouts in 2008).

Now, we’ve seen Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones and absolutely understand that, with an army of clones, comes great uncertainty and the potential for the shroud of the dark side to fall. BUT—as Ted Head, marijuana legalization supporter and Star Wars Super Fan Overnight Pete always says, “I have to admit that without the clones, it would have not been a victory for the Republic.”

Of course--after he said that--he demolished a 7-11 Big Bite, a extra large bag of Dorito's (flavor? Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch) and kept trying to convince us that Phish's "Weekapaug Groove" could be synced up to the movie Flash Gordon--but his logic remains rock solid.

Simply--now, more than ever, we need Ted Lilly clones.

Imagine, if you will, instead of throwing LaTroy out there--it's a Ted clone pitching the 7th, 8th and 9th innings. Yep--locked down solid. How about instead of Adam Dunn establishing a record for strikeouts in an international baseball competition, we roll out a Ted clone to take some hacks?

Well--you don't have to imagine it, Ted Heads but we plugged in the TLFC Super Computer and sat down in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Virtual Reality Simulator Slash Lawnmower Man the Movie Viewing Device (TLFCVRSSLMTMVD) and made this dream become a reality.

The result? Ted is named co-MVP (w/ himself) and Team USA wins the WBC.

Future is now, Ted Heads...we just need that yellowcake plutonium and flux capacitor (1.21 jigawatts Ted heads).

Ted Lilly Fan Club Interviews the Cubs Dixieland Band

Lazy Sunday around here at the Fan Club. Light snow fall coming down, TLFC Super Computer in the midst of serious data crunching on Ted's performance against his fellow World Baseball Classic participants and TLFC London still in awe after U2's rooftop gig at the BBC.

With not a lot of hard baseball news going on right now (except for Cubs 13-0 drubbing of the ChiSox--Suck it Guillen!--including the Mayo King throwing 4Ks over two innings), we decided that it'd be a perfect time to post an interview we did with the good folks at the Cubs Dixieland Band--a venerable Wrigley tradition that, thankfully, does not involve a goat, headphone wearing "fans" from Northbrook or falling chunks of concrete.

Next time any of you Ted Heads are at Wrigley, do yourself a favor: sit back, relax, put the Cubs Claw down and enjoy the musical stylings of the Dixieland Band...in addition to extra cold, extra smooth Bud Extra and TL dropping Lillyhammers on NL Central foes, it doesn't get too much better than this....enjoy.

TLFC: What was your favorite moment from the 2008 season?

No particular games stand out. After twenty eight years it all becomes a wonderful blur. This includes the 2008 campaign. One time I'd like to sit in the stands and watch a baseball game without the constraints of "work" (not too soon though). I'm too busy preparing for each inning's effort to take too much notice of the over 2000 games we've played (TLFC Editor's Note: Our favorite Ted-tastic moment was TL knocking over Molina's bitch ass)

TLFC: What's your prediction for 2009?

As of today (February 28th) I'd have to know who the cast is. In their division I can't see them finishing below 2nd but still playoff bound. There are the ubiquitous health issues ie. Hardin, Z's melt downs, etc. That could alter the equation (TLFC Editor's Note: NL Central Pennant for Cubs, Cy Young for Ted, Peace for the world)

TLFC: If you could play a intro song for Cubs players before they bat--what would Ted Lilly's be and why? (Maybe "St. Louis Blues" if we lose to STL?) How about Soriano? Sweet Lou?

I try and stay away from making musical editorial statements (TLFC Editor's Note: We'd throw out Black Sabbath's "Hand of Doom" for consideration)

TLFC: Do you think that Fukudome enjoys dixieland music?
Why not? I correspond with people all over the globe, including Asia, who are into it.

TLFC: What three words would you use to describe Ted Lilly?
Sorry, I don't know that much about him (TLFC Editor's Note: Ab-tastic; Sublime; True)

TLFC: Bartman game--forgotten memory or continuing source of anger/therapy?
Unfortunately an innocent victim of circumstance. I could write a book about that incident being only ten feet from it. Why don't they crucify the other six people fighting for that ball! Anyway that play didn't cost the Cubs that game, Gonzalez's error did.

TLFC: Favorite Wrigley memory?
Bill Nicholson's 11th inning home run off of the unhittable righty, side arm phenom Ewell (the Whip) Blackwell to break a 1-1 tie in August of 1947. The Cubs pitcher was #53, southpaw Johnny Schmitz.

TLFC: "Go Cubs Go"--good Cubs theme song or shameless WGN promo jingle?
Good song (TLFC Editor's Note: We think "Go Ted Go" is a tad bit better and less commercial)

TLFC: Best Cubs celebrity fan?
Can't judge who's a better fan than anyone else, celebrity or not (TLFC Editor's Note: Spoken like a fellow Ted Head)