TLFC Has A Fever. Only Cure? Photo Montage of Ted Lilly

Joke or not, There's a look you don't want to get from TL

Alright, we'll be the first to admit that these screen captures came from our MLB.tv subscription. If the army of Mitch McDeere lawyers at MLB decides to rain down on us, so be it, because what's witnessed below is pure awesomeness and we'll take our 3-5 yrs in jail for it. That being said, we don't want to "mistakenly" let the media see those compromising photos of Bud Selig, do we MLB? We didn't think so...let's move on.

So, you've already seen the first picture for this montage, where TL captures the bug. Below, in image two, Ted either nurtures and loves the bug, holds it captive for its dear life, or transfers "TLlifeforce" to the animal. That all depends on how Ted's feeling at that moment but our guess is option #3. Notice the power of the hands (somewhat of a reverse Jaws of Life)...

Next screen grab, Ted makes his move, placing the bug on Gerald Perry's unassuming shoulder. Unseen is a shot of a Cubs Clubhouse staff member placing a cheese steak on Lee Pinella's unassuming stomach.

Realizing that GP doesn't see what's happening (who would, Ted's also trained in the ninja arts) Ted decides that the new home for the bug is on Perry's head. Obviously (unfortunately, his first choice for the bug's home, "the hearts of Cubs fans", was already taken by Ted himself).

Finally, this next pic shows the bug for what it really is, Mothra the feared enemy of all. Crap, that's a big bug. From our collection of Pixar movies, we just thought that bugs just sit around in cartoony landscapes talking like Denis Leary and David Hyde Pierce and fighting evil grasshoppers.

So, TedHeads, we now have physical and irrefutable proof that Ted Lilly, in addition to his current responsibilites as Cubs Star and Ambassador to the World, is a friend to animals as well. Although, truth be told, we've always just assumed that he was raised in the wild by lunactic wolves...

Carlos Zambrano Saves Cubs With Huge Performance, Ted Lilly Saves a Fly

Backed up against an early season NL Central wall, Big Z came up absolutely huge last night, going seven innings to get the win alongside three Ks and a few earned runs. He also helped out of the offensive end with a HR, single and double. Rumor has it that he wanted to get a triple as well but, in between innings, Ted Lilly reminded Z to stay humble and out went the chance to hit for the cycle.

Lost in the shuffle of Big Z’s win and resulting humbleness was Ted Lilly saving a fly (yes, we’re serious—this is not just some bad TLFC Photoshop exercise). As the picture above demonstrates, in the bottom of the 8th inning, Ted Lilly carefully caught a fly that was wandering around the Cubs dugout (no confirmation but we assume that it was interested in Ted’s ultra-rare type-TL blood).

However, before any animal activists get upset over potential harm done to the fly, we do want to note that, unlike the cat that ran across the field in the last week’s game that ended up at a Chicago animal shelter, this fly was subsquently treated like royalty in the Cubs dugout--getting an Alfonso Soriano bat, free piggyback ride from hitting coach Gerald Perry, posing for pictures with Rich Harden and grabbing a late night Double-Double Burger at In-n-Out Burger with TL.

Dumpster gets the ball today against Lil Dougy Davis...and, Ted Heads, we welcome pre-game predictions for all non-TL games (that's the Super Computer's domain and, as we learned from Maximum Overdrive, you don't mess with Robots)---please send to TedLillyRules@gmail.com

Distracting America From Swine Flu Epidemic, Ted Lilly Purposely Takes Loss

Walks and Fly Balls. When TL is having trouble, that's what the Cubs give. Walks and Fly Balls. When Ted is "on" ,we get space fabric-distorting curveballs, strikeouts galore, TL stolen bases and free memories for Lil TedHeads. Good with the Bad.

Now, as much as we like to kid around, Ted Lilly is just a man (ed. note, TL is actually immortal) and will occasionally have bad days (ed. note, Ted chooses to have bad days and we're not to question why). Yesterday's Diamondback game was a tough day and that is that. Ted gets the loss, gives up a moon shot to Chris Synder, but gets a single which warms our heart.

Said the man himself, "When someone is pitching a great game, it's a chance for me to go out there and compete with him and give the team a chance to win," Lilly said. "I just didn't get it done."

Whatever...We get it...you're ridiculously hard on yourself. It's not like you killed a baby koala bear or kicked a nun. Classic Ted.

TedHeads, we're not a reactionary FC. To be reactionary deprives baseball of what we like about it: the long tedious grind that ultimately leads to bitter disappointment or fleeting glory that is quickly forgotten in our what-have-you-done-for-me-lately society ("fleeting glory" epitomized in Ryan Howard's Subway commercials or Cole Hamels' wacky elbow tendon). That's why we love baseball. and America. and freedom (= we just put on Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" to pump us up a little).

Sure we could complain and whine about how unfair it is that we have to hit Reed Johnson cleanup or pit a midget out of postion at third, but things could be worse. We could also point that Ted most likely proactively took the loss, knowing that it'd help turn the nation's attention away from the growing swine flu epidemic (Classic Ted move) but we won't.

Look TedHeads, the Cubs could be .500 at the All-Star break and we think they'd still win the division. So, things happen, Ted had a rough outing. Cubs lost. We drank too many Bud Extra/Sanka cocktails. We're off to our therapist before running the stairs at the Hancock as self-punishment. Have a good Tuesday.

Ted Lilly Start #4: “Somebody Has a Case of the Mondays” Edition

Fan Club woke up this morning with a hell of a weekend hangover which only differs from a weekday hangover in that we are not able to sleep under our desks at "work." By "work," of course we mean analysis of Ted starts, mind altering ab exercises, and preparing the Ted Lilly Fan Club Mountain Bunker for the onset of Swine Flu.

The obvious culprit for our malaise was the rough couple of weekend days we tried to endure. First, the Cardinals take two of three from the Cubs to solidify their hold on the NL Central lead. Then, swine flu outbreak hits Mexico and parts of the U.S. (our theory is that some shadowy terrorist organization is behind this outbreak in some evil attempt to take down Ted). And, finally, we didn’t receive as many hate letters for the feminist groups like National Organization of Women (NOW) or Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (GLOW) about our Friday post as we would have hoped.

However, like we’ve said before, the world is always darkest before the dawn. And, with a collective sigh relief from Ted Heads around the world, “dawn” can today be described as a 5’10” flame-throwing Adonis from Torrance, CA.

Ted Lilly. Yes. We. Can.

Sure, we all know that, in Ted’s last start against the Reds, he took his first loss of the year and that the eventual trip to Cy Young Station slowed a little bit but his only blemish in that game was an unearned run in the 4th inning. Our only blemish from that game? A beeryramid of Bud Extra cans in the Fan Club rec room and sleep creases from passing out on the couch.

But, today, we ratchet the train back up to full speed as we look to start the series with the D’Backs off on the right, left-handed, foot. With that in mind, we welcome in the TLFC Super Computer (complete with conductor’s hat) for today’s prediction:

6.1 IP, 2 ER, 7K, 2 BB and 1 intense stare from TL after Sweet Lou pulls him in the 7th and passes the ball to the Mayo King.

NL Central Review: Milwaukee Has A Fantastic Bush

Given the media buzz around President Obama's first 100 Days in office (full disclosure: we voted a straight Ted Lilly ticket during the last election), we thought that it might be a fun little Friday morning exercise to sit back, relax and provide some early season thoughts on other NL Central opponents (editor's note: this "exercise" is an addition to our normal exercise routine of ab work, boxing a kangaroo and 1000 bat swings in a pool).

St. Louis Cardinals (11-5): The ole TLFC would probably just resort to immature name calling when talking about the Cardinals or their semi-literate fans but, in many ways, we're a new-age Fan Club and will begrudgingly give them some early-season, professional respect for how they've played. Sure, Cub Nation took two of three from them before the Red Birds made a Faustian bargain so they didn't have to play Ted (STL fans: Faustian bargain can be defined as one who is "willing to sacrifice anything to satisfy a limitless desire for knowledge or power.") but they are in 1st place...for now.

Early season highlight: Fan's ability to "taste the good life" and use indoor plumbing while staying in Chicago during last weekend's series

Cincinasty Reds (9-6): Still upset from the Red's taking two of three from Cub Nation (including Kuato's victory over TL), we have to admit this time that they are playing well. Great hitting by Joey Votto (.373) and pitching from King D-Bag Arroyo (3 wins) have led their way and, despite Nick Lachey as their SuperFan, they have barrelled their way to 2nd place in the Central.

Early season highlight: (tie) Ability to pawn off 12,000 Ken Griffey Jr. bobbleheads on an unsuspecting Salvation Army shop/addition of chihuahua cheese to skyline chili menu

Pittsburgh Pirates (9-6): Wow. 9-6. Break em up! Break em up! The last time that the Pirates were actually decent, Ted Lilly was just a twinkle in his mother's eye and Bill Mazeroski was warming up for a future appearance in John Fogarty's "Centerfield" video. Freddy "Dirty" Sanchez is back to his 2006 form when he won the batting title and was named one of Pittsburgh's 25 Most Beautiful People. If Paul Maholm, Zach Duke and Ian Snell can keep up their pitching, this has a chance to break .500 for the season which, using Pittsburgh fuzzy math, is equal to winning the World Series.

Early season highlight: City of Pittsburgh making their drinking water safe for human consumption

Milwaukee (6-9): Let's just get the immature, Sigma Chi-friendly "69" joke out of the way (virtual high five). Milwaukee is just about where we thought that they would be. While they have a great offense, led by Ryan Braun (who leads the team in every major offensive category), they also have terrible pitching led by Jeff Suppan (really?). Focus on the Brat Stop and the Packer's Draft, Cheeseheads...

Early season highlight: Dave Bush's near no-hitter on Thursday night.

Houston (6-10): TLFC would like to take a moment out to shed a single tear for Astros superfan and friend-of-the-blog Jordan Rittenberry. Always a true believer, JR predicted that his Stros would win 87 games this year. Sad, sad, sad. Their rotation looks to be a cross between players who were good in pre-2000 (paging Mike Hampton and Russ Ortiz) and Baseball Prospectus cast-offs like Wandy Rodriguez, Brian Moehler and Brandon Backe.

Early season highlight: Opportunity to watch Ted Lilly's greatness in person on April 8.

Game Recap: Lou Pinella Mis-Reads Schedule, Gives Cubs Offense the Night Off

Tough loss last night, Ted Heads...While the Bud Extra helped dampen the blow a bit, this one still really hurt and we woke up this morning with a bad hangover, sleep creases on our face and even worse memories of last night's game.

"Memento"-style, we sat down at the TLFC Breakfast Nook to try to piece everything together and find out what happened. Unfortunately, Joe Pantiliano was not available so we had to take out our TLFC Lil' Detectives kit and try to solve this mystery on our own.

Here are a few of the clues:

• On the Fan Club 72" Sharp Aquos flatscreen, "Total Recall" was on repeat. What could this mean? We then realized that Johnny F-ing Cueto (reminds us of that alien creature Kuato from "Total Recall") was able to keep the Cubs off the scoreboard for seven innings


• Wads and wads of tissue scattered around the FC. Why would we have been crying? We then re-read the post-game recap on Cubs.com--why o why is Ted so hard on himself? It's like he killed a baby panda or something (Note to self, remember to send Ted Lilly an e-greeting or cookie bouquet to boost his spirits)
  
• A business card from the ACME Detective agency and Google Map print-outs of Denpasar, Bali, Rabat, Morocco and Bintan, India. Were we considering international travel after the loss or are those leftovers from when the TLFC tried to track down Carmen Sandiego?

Still not entirely sure what happened. We do know that Ted pitched another great game, giving up one run (unearned) on a throwing error (d'oh) but we still can not figure out how Johnny F-ing Cueto held us scoreless, how the Board Game King is averaging a cool .043 or why Aaron Miles continues to get playing time.

We scrapped the hybrid train, TedHeads and are back to a good ole fashioned coal-burning, democrat-angering train which, we believe, will get Ted back on track to Cy Young station in his next start against the the D'Backs on Monday.

Ted Lilly Start #3 Preview: Earth Day Edition

As we’ve discussed in previous posts, the Ted Lilly Fan Club has always considered ourselves eco-friendly which, in conjunction with the fact that we’ve always also considered ourselves Ted Lilly-friendly, makes today’s start extra special.

While there had already been a ton of buzz around the FC for Earth Day (using compact fluorescent light bulbs, creating a wildlife habitat in our backyard, installing low-flow shower heads), the added bonus of a TL start really just pushed us over the edge into a state of pure euphoria.

In fact, we doubt that anyone could come up with a better representative for the Earth than a certain 5’10” lefty from Torrance, CA. A few other Ted-friendly eco-tips

• Build a Rain Barrel to capture rain for lawn care purposes. Of course, Ted doesn't do this because life feeds on TL's aura (thus removing it's need for water and Oxygen) but it's a good tip nonetheless.
  
• Recycle Newspaper. There are 63 million newspapers printed each day in the U.S. Of these, 44 million, or about 69%, of them will be thrown away, of these, 3 of them, or 0.0001%, we use for daily Arts and Crafts. You can use newspapers too. For example, we recommend using any/all Paul Sullivan columns to wrap up fish.


• Go Vegetarian Once A Week. According to some experts, one less meat-based meal a week helps the planet and your diet. For example: It requires 2,500 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. Ted's solution? Drink sewer water. Ted's absurd kidneys filter out most waste, but TL has to have some time to pitch. Pitch in yourself, try the tofu next time.
  
• Recycle Glass. TLFC's recommendation? Drink canned Bud Extra (official canned beer of the Ted Lilly Fan Club). If that doesn't work, chew the glass yourself to amp up your Tedstensity

With that in mind, we welcome in a guest prognosticator, Mother Earth, with today’s prediction:

7 Full IP, 8Ks, 2BB, 1 earned run and an entire garden of spring marigolds planted in the Earth’s honor.

The trip to Cy Young station in our hybrid train continues today...Fire it up environmentally-responsible Ted Heads!

Ted Lilly Fights Deadly Pathogen

Creation of the Hazmat suit was inspired by TL's epidermis

A lot of suspect journalism going on regarding the supposed "sickness" of our hero, Ted Lilly. In fact, some of those non- truths are coming from the mouth of TL. What's going on here, Ted? Cubs.com Carrie Muskat reports,

"I don't feel great, but I imagine that it's something a lot of guys go through during the season -- not feeling totally healthy," Lilly said. "I was definitely looking forward to pitching tonight."

Key words here are, "I Imagine." Why hasn't any beat reporter looked further? Fortunately, that's why we're around.

As any TedHead knows, the idea of Ted having a common cold is ludicrous; Ted Lilly is immortal and can only be harmed by an arrow, dipped in Hydra blood, shot into his heel. Scientists do believe that Ted is capable of becoming 'sick,' and we've speculated that Ted's medical situation is unique (ie. requires the help of an Equine Veterinarian), but TedHeads know that Science is pretty much always wrong.

What it boils down to is by Ted saying, "I Imagine..." he betrays his clever deception. But why is Ted trying to play down his exulted status? Not surprisingly, we have several logical explanations.

• Classic Humanitarian Ted. By openly taunting the world of deadly pathogens, TL is inviting an onslaught of nasty virus' try to take him down. In doing so, Ted's immune system will create new defenses against these scourges of humanity and share them as vaccines. Get ready to taste it Malaria.
  

• Classic Gamesmanship Ted. The laughable insinuation that Ted is fallible could cause foes to grow complacent. Complacency means you're not looking for the LillyHammer Curves. When you're not looking for the LillyHammer and it drops in on you, then your knees break and you pee your pants.
  

• Classic Teammate Ted. Neal Cotts is probably down in the dumps right now, you know, with the whole failure to throw a strike thing. What does Captain Ted do? Show his "human" side by "getting sick" which will show Cotts truly, that "anything can happen," and inspire him to brush off the bad outing and throw strikes again.

In this light, Ted's little gambit makes a ton of sense. Well, from all us TedHeads, get "well" soon.

Cardinals Make Deal With Devil, Get Game Vs. Ted Lilly Postponed

Well, after all of our Sunday Funday excitement, it turns out that the St. Louis Cardinals sold their soul to the devil in exchange for not having to face Ted Lilly tonight in ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball.

Sure, the entire team (lead by their DUI-friendly manager) will spend all of eternity burning in hell, but it's a small price to pay for not having to face nine innings of face-melting agony from TL.

As a quick heads up to Cardinals players, management and staff, they can expect the biblical descriptions of hell (heat, bondage, darkness, thirst, worms, pain, flogging, fire, etc.)
to come true. Pretty much the worst thing imagineable. Yeah...not so good.

As French writer, humanist, moralist and 1947 Nobel Prize winner, Andre Gide once said, "In hell there is no other punishment than to begin over and over again the tasks left unfinished in your lifetime.”

So, St, Louis, instead of having to face TL this Sunday April 19th, it looks like you will have to square off against Ted Lilly every single start in Hell, 9 innings, 162 games a season. Enjoy.

Of course, on the flip side, if it makes you feel better, TL having to face you for 9 innings, 162 games a season is his heaven so take so comfort in that as demons gnaw your eyes and burn your tormented soul.

And on the Seventh Day, God Created Ted Lilly

Still reeling from A-Ram's walk-off home run in the bottom of the 11th in Saturday's win, we quickly regained our focus when, in the midst of the post-game celebration and "Go Cubs Go" singing, we caught sight of Ted in the clubhouse, stoically looking at a baseball while simultaneously working on his abs.

Thats when we realized that, despite a great win over a second-tier city, we, like TL before us, need to focus on the facts at hand. Here's what we know:

Facts

1. No coincidence that Ted takes the mound against the despised Redbirds tonight in ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball after his one-hitter in last Monday's home opener. Big game pitchers need big stages and, thanks to a visit from TL's hawk Fury, Sweet Lou has gotten the message to Get The Ball To Ted (GTBTT)

2. TL lusts to crush Molina again. First, Ted crushed the sub-prime mortgage crisis by lobbying Congress to enact tougher regulation, then he crushes the box office as executive producer of "Fast and the Furious 3" and now he has Molina lined up in his sights. If we were Yadier, we might want to consider pulling a groin or coming down with food poisioning to avoid Ted.

3. At yesterday's game, we did not see one, single Ted Lilly jersey (except of course for the hand-painted ones that the TLFC was wearing--thankfully it didn't get too warm and the paint didn't bleed). At first, we, like Molina, were crushed but then quickly realized that all those Ted Heads were saving themselves for tnite's game so rise up, Ted Heads, and leap forth from our Trojan Horse with #30 Jerseys! (or #31 if you bought a WBC Jersey)

4. Where the f- is Carrie Muskat at Cubs.com? This morning we read a post from Patrick Mooney at Cubs.com who we can only presume is Carrie's intern. Title? "Lilly has work cut out for him." Ummmm, Patty, did you not see TL's near no-hitter? did you not see Pujols going 0-4 at the plate yesterday? did you not hear STL fans having trouble with multisyllabic words?

5. ESPN's Rob Neyer runs a blog, Sweet Spot (link here) that still refuses to include a link to the TLFC. The Rangers, Rays and Tigers all have two inclusions but the Cubs? Only one--Bleed Cubbie Blue (which is a great site that is highly reco'd). If any of you Ted Heads have time,we encourage you to virtually reach out to Mr. Neyer in a Tedtastic way and let him know that he needs to link to the TLFC. Rob can be found at RobNeyerESPN@gmail.com

Like Ted, the TLFC Super Computer is off to a good start this season. Today's predicition:

6.2 IP, 6K, 2 BB, 1 ER and one finger point to the heavens b/c, after all, on the seventh day, God created Ted.

Chris Carpenter Goes on DL, Ted Lilly Fan Club Asks “Does a Pope Sh*t In the Woods?”

During the TLFC’s “dark period”, we had a bad run with gambling where we would literally bet on anything. Will the sun rise tomorrow? ($50 says no). Can we beat Ron, our lovable local homeless man, in a footrace? (A Streetwise says we can!) Do we have the guts to steal from the collection plate? (Bet you won't!)

Turns out we had a skill for this somewhat unscrupulous practice. One of the common elements of this period was, every Sunday morning during the NFL season, we would enter straight bets and parlays based on the advice of the TLFC Magic Infinity Ball. And, while this wagering did lead us to eventually become independently wealthy Men of Leisure, the whole paying off Scott Norwood to kick the ball wide right thing still leaves a bad taste in our collective mouths - and that bad taste, Ted Heads, is caviar. So we stopped. But, one of the few memories that remain is the cliched "Lock of the Week" pick that every shady Sunday morning betting show would offer.

Today's "(T)Lock of the Week": Chris Carpenter goes on the DL.

According to ESPN, "The St. Louis Cardinals expect Chris Carpenter to miss four to eight weeks after an MRI on Thursday confirmed the right-hander has a tear of the left oblique muscle."

Is anyone, outside of the greater downtown St. Louis area, surprised at this?

The only thing more certain in life than Carpenter going on the DL is death, taxes and Ted Lilly's ridiculously sublime abdominal muscles (quoteth Ben Franklin, friend-of-the-blog, said).

Anyway, putting down the Sanka and picking up the generic Oxycodone that we bought in Toronto (thank you Overnight Pete!), the TLFC needs to settle down a bit and focus on today's game.

Our prediction: Big Z goes .2 IP after two straight beanballs to STL batters. Mayo King takes over and leads Cub Nation to victory.

With Ted Lilly One-Hitter Under Our Belt, Ted Lilly Fan Club Announces TLFC Captain Morgan's Club

After a ridiculous Monday that saw Ted Lilly one-hit the Rockies en route to his second win of the year, the Ted Lilly Fan Club woke up this morning, put our on fan club stirrups (on Tuesdays, we wear the away grays) and asked ourselves, "Well, TLFC, what now? Where do we go from here?"

Well, after quickly realizing that we were in fact still intoxicated after last night's win, we turned on the Sanka pot, put some bacon strips on our fan club-size George Foreman grill and went back to bed while our coffee brewed.

Half an hour later, refreshed (oh yeah--TLFC sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber which allows us to only sleep 30 minutes a day), we realized that today marks the launch of the new Ted Lilly Fan Club Captain Morgan's Club (TLFCCMC).

Similar to recent (and ill timed) opening of the Cubs Captain Morgan's Club, but entirely different in name and purpose (take that copyright lawyers!) the TLFCCMC is the fusion of two nationally known brands, Pirates and the Ted Lilly Fan Club. While the Cub's fantastic new facility will serve as a prime location for family friendly Captain Morgan's fun in the shadows of historic Wrigely Field, the TLFCCMC, located in the basement of an undisclosed Northside Location, will highlight underutilized market of the more surely side of pirates and the Cubs.

Often associated with fun, family friendly iconography such as Pirates of the Caribbean, The Pittsburgh Pirates, and Captain Crunch, it's a little known fact that Pirates are also scourges of the sea who continue to attack vital shipping lanes even to this day. Moreover, a brief survey of pirates (and Rum for that matter) shows centuries litany of few morals, evil deeds, bad choices, and death.

TLFCCMC will serve as a place for Cub fans to relish in this nomadic, short, and often inebriated lifestyle full of despair, loss, talking parrots and bad Jacob Dylan-esque facial hair. Open after every Cub's loss, both home and away, TLFCCMC will serve high grade, dangerous, liquors in a silent tension filled environment on the verge of exploding like a powder keg.

With that in mind, we offer up a quick prediction for Rich Harden's second start of the year: 7 IP, 9Ks, 2 BBs, 1-3 at the plate and a "Canadian fist-bump" (read: double cheek kiss) from his British Columbia bestie Ryan Dempster.

Tedlines

TedHead Dominic, from MFTB, shows us that ESPN doubly loves TL

Besides our daily 6 mile jog, 45 min core work session, reading the FT, WSJ, and Mr. Boffo from cover to cover, and Be Like Ted Meditation Sessions (BLTMS), one of our morning rituals at TLFCHQ is to read the Headlines from A League of Her Own. Because we lack any original thought, today we decided to copy LOHO and gather post start, TL related quotes for you TedHeads. We're even going to copy their format. Here you go...


Ted needs no Sherpa.

"That's Ted," Hill said. "He's always up for the challenge. It could be snowing, sleeting, he could have been pitching on the top of Mount Everest and he would have been game. He's just such a competitor." (Wayne Drehs Blog - ESPN Chicago)



Koyle Hill, TedHead.

''He's one of the biggest gamer pitchers I've ever seen.'' KH on TL (Chicago Sun Times)

'He makes everybody better,'' Hill said. ''And he makes everybody play harder because you know how bad he wants it.'' (Sun Times)

Only God, Ted's Mom, and Koyle Hill can call TL, 'Teddy.'

"We got a lot of calls because he was throwing strikes," Hill said. "You get a guy that's wild, and then all of sudden he throws a ball that's close, and he may not get the call. Teddy was throwing strikes and pounding the zone, so those borderline calls we got." (Chicago Tribune)

Ted, we've got a London branch, if you liked yesterdays weather, you'd love it there.

"It never got to where it was raining hard," Lilly said. "It was raining for a while but it was pretty light. I don't think it was affecting anyone's performance. It was kind of fun. I enjoy this weather, too." (ESPN)

Intense. Workmanlike. Ted MF'in Lilly.

"One thing I've felt is to try to enjoy the game as much as possible," he said, "because I have a tendency to focus on my next start. And what I need to do is just kind of enjoy this for a little bit." (Trib) - ed. Note, by "enjoy this for a little bit" TL really means, hit the weight room.

"One thing I've learned is that you never have it figured out,'' Lilly said. ''I'm definitely happy with the way I threw the ball today. I had a lot of work to do on the side after my last start. The thing that I'm keeping in mind at this point is I have a lot of work to do.'' (Sun Times)

"Ted Lilly is the single most important human on the planet. Without the justice dispensed by his Lilly Hammer curve and the stability provided by his core and leg strength, society, as we know it, would collapse upon itself." (TLFC)

Ted Lilly Flirts with Perfection, Ted Lilly Fan Club Flirts with Sobriety

Absolutely virtual mayhem over here at the TLFC Northside Loft. Sure, Ted Lilly flirted with perfection before giving up the 7th inning hit to Garret “Just Protein For You” Atkins but could we really have gotten a better Cubs home opener?

Ted’s final line? 6.2 IP, 8 strikeouts, 2 walks and 1 super-lonely hit en route to his second win of the young season and one more stop closer to Cy Young station.

It’s just a classic Ted move: leave a little chicken on the bone and give yourself another challenge for start #3. Home run fest in Houston for the fans, one hitter today at home opener, no-hitter next game…all part of Ted’s master plan.

While initially we tried to comprehend the meaning of TL’s greatness, we wisely reconsidered and understood that we mere mortals can not begin to contemplate "Ted" (which translates into ancient Incan as "he who is and will always be"). Simply, we stand in awe of him, his supreme powers (case in point: Ted’s control of the weather for today’s game) and rock-solid abs.

Another bonus from today's TL start is that it seems that TL’s man-therapy session with Goggles worked as Kevin Gregg came in and locked down the game in the 9th. We can bitch and moan all we want (that's the freedom that Ted has given us) but we’re going to need Gregg come later in the season…

Of course, being Cubs home opener and a Ted start, this also meant that it was a big day for the Fan Club that began with Sanka and the Journal, peaked with visions of Ted's greatness and ended with the Goggled One sealing the win (maybe one more Bud Extra before dinner?)

Ted Lilly Fan Club’s final line? 7.2 Bud Extras consumed, 14 visits to A League of Her Own to partake in witty Cubs blog banter, 1 half-made voodoo doll of one Ted Head who dared to speak about the potential no-hitter in the 6th and a Chinese Massage Parlor-esque happy ending on a pretty special little Monday, Ted Heads...

Cubs Home Opener Madness: Ted Lilly Gets The Ball

As Cub Nation slowly recovers from their weekend hangover from Peeps, honey-baked ham and lambs blood* (*used only to keep Angel of Death at bay), the TLFC eagerly begins counting down the minutes, seconds and nano-seconds til Ted BAMF Lilly gets the ball in today's home opener against the Rockies.

Last Wednesday at Houston in his first start of the year, TL pitched at a less-than-TLegendary level when he served up three home runs (we still are not counting Kaz's HR) and eight hits before leaving in the fifth inning. However, thanks to a strong Cubs offense, Ted escaped with the win and shifted into 2nd gear for the drive to Cy Young station.

However, Lou Pinella, finally responding to our emails, letters, online petitions and missives from Ted's hawk Fury, has granted our wish to Get the Ball To Ted (GTBTT) in the home opener.

However, the TLFC believed that this decision is just a little too perfect, a bit too historical in nature to just be based on the fact that it's Ted's spot in the rotation so we asked our Columbia College intern, Mitch, to take a look at what other historical events have happened on April 13 and what relevance that might have to today's TL start:

• 1743: Birth of Thomas Jefferson: Makes sense since Ted, like Jefferson, is a big believer in education (TL's School For Kids Who Can't Read Good is partially based on TJ's University of Virginia) and, also like Jefferson who was the third POTUS, is committed to public service (evidenced by the new Cabinet position of Secretary of Teducation)


• 1953: CIA launches MKULTRA Mind Control Project. No brainer as Ted has been mesmerizing Cub faithful since he was signed on December 8, 2006
  
• 1111: Henry V named Holy Roman Emperor. Like the HRE, Ted's job is to serve as a unifier, as the "glue" guy in the clubhouse and bring people together. For example--Ted's response after Gregg's weekend collapse? Couple man-hugs, quiet bullpen session to teach KG some of the famous TL "magic" and a free cleaning of Gregg's goggles
  
• 1204: Fourth Crusade sacks Constantinople: While They Might Be Giants has taught us that Istanbul is Constantinople, it failed to mention the 4th Crusade (probably a time limit thing on the album 'Flood'). Likewise, TL's career in the major leagues has been marked by years of dominance, gritty determination and overwhelming power (we're not sure if there is a relevant example from the Crusades that mimics Ted Lilly's soul-crushing blow of STL catcher Bengie Molina).

So, what do these seemingly unrelated facts tell us outside of the fact that the TLFC is big, big fans of Wikipedia and strong believers in numerology? Well, as we've demonstrated earlier, from our best research, Ted is, in fact, immortal and we wouldn't be surprised to learn that TL showed up in colonial Virginia or spent some time in Langley with the CIA or even helped lead a few Crusaders to an upset victory over Constantinople but we're just hypothesizing here after a few cups of pre-8 am Sanka. Short story long, April 13 will become a key date in TL lore.

Anyway, we welcome in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer for his Cubs Home Opener Prediction: 6 IP, 5K, 1 ER, 2 walks, numerous WGN Fan Cam shots of folks in garbage bag ponchos if/when rain sets in and free lifetime memories to all those in attendance as the Cubs move one win closer to the pennant.

Cubs Lose Opener Against Brewers As Gregg Does His Best Joe Borowski Imitation

Not so much a Good Friday, Ted Heads. Cubs start off their second series of the year against Chicago Jr./Milwaukee Brewers with a hard loss, giving up two runs in the ninth to lose to the Brewers in opening game of a three-game slate against our arch rivals to the north.

In fact, everything was going fine after the Cubs came back from an early deficit to re-take the lead on Koyie Hill's home run. Heck, even our lil bullpen did their job with five relievers combining to take the ball from starter Rich Harden and bridge to closer Kevin Gregg's appearance in the 8th and 9th (only facing one batter in the bottom of the 8th).

However, the Cubs went down in top of the 9th and, after that commercial break, Gregg imploded, doing his best Joe Borowski imitation (thinking specifically about JoeBo's time in the vaunted Mexican League) and giving up the game-winning hit to Ryan Braun.

Kevin's final line? .2 IP, 1 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2Ks and one big kick in the gut to Cub fans everywhere.

No quasi-witty references to TL's abs or allusions to geo-political strategy sessions tnite (might be the Bud Eztra talking), we just need Big Z to open up a Venezulean-size can of whoops ass on the Brewers and re-establish the pecking order in the NL Central.

Crack open another Bud extra friends, this one hurts...

Holy Thursday! Ted Lilly Gets First Win of the Year

As a non-denominational Fan Club, the Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC) tries to stay away from any one religion or faith. However, given Ted's performance against the Astros (5 innings pitched, three strikeouts, no walks and, gulp, 5 ER) in lead-up the Cubs win, we couldn't help but stand in awe of the spiritual conotations of TL's start in connection to Holy Thursday.

Don't believe us? Let's put the Sanka/Bud Extra cocktail down (something we here at the TLFC Bar and Grill call a 'Sextra') and take a extra long, extra reverent, extra smooth look at the facts:

• In Christian history, Holy Thursday commemorates several events including the betrayal of Christ by Judas Iscariot. Likewise, during Ted's start, his fastball betrayed him in both the 2nd and 4th innings. Still don't believe us?
  
• TLFC has already painstaking listed the times that Ted has fulfilled his role as the savior in the "Footsteps" poem (links here and here for your review).


• Most sacred number in Christian mythology? Three (as in Holy Trinity). Total number of HRs "sacrificed" by Ted? Three. (We don't like Matsui and, thus, won't count his HR in the 5th). There's also his jersey number, #30, which adds fuel to the fire. Convinced yet?
  
• Another part of Holy Thursday is agony of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. Need we show you Comcast Sports Net footage of a despondent Ted after said three HRs? Didnt think so...
  
• President George W. Bush left the game after 5th inning--same inning that Ted left the game. Seems rather curious that the former leader of the free world takes his cue from Ted--yet another indication of Ted's lofty status


• Ted was drafted in 1996 by the Dodgers of Los Angeles which, as any bi-lingual Ted Head will tell you, translates to 'the Angels'


• Like a certain carpenter from Jerusalem, Ted felt the need to depart so others (read: David Patton) could live. Classic Ted.

Keep in mind, lil Ted Heads that every train to Cy Young Station needs to start from somewhere and every hero needs to take a journey. Ted Lilly's started last night in the Cub-friendly confines of Minute Maid Park...Sure, it wasn't Ted's finest hour according to MLB standards but it did confirm what we initially thought last February: Ted Lilly Is Immortal.

Scary stuff indeed, thank god he's on our side Cub Nation...

Ted Lilly Says, "It's The Biggest Game Of The Year", TLFC Quietly Nods in Approval

Most mornings, we get up, look at ourselves in the mirror, and say, "Hey there TLFC, you're smart, you're special, and today is the just another day in your small and insignificant life."

But on days like today, Tedsdays, we change our tune to something a tad different, something a tad more positive, uplifitng and TL-friendly: "Hey there TLFC, you're smart, your special, and it's your job to tell the world that today, this day of days, this Ted's Day, the world is about to change one Lilly Hammer at a time."

However, this Tedsday, this Opening Day, we didn't even need to say a word. Via Carrie Muskat, TedHead and Cubs.com reporter,

"It's the biggest game of the year," Lilly said.

Wow. Ted's Intensity (aka Tedtensity) just made us punch through the TLFCHQ Italian Granite counter tops... and our hand doesn't even hurt. Damn right it's the biggest game of the year, Ted continues,

"Because it's the first one," Lilly said. "They're all important. Every one I'm starting is the most important, and that's the mentality you have to have."

Sure, we could fill this post with hyperbole about how Ted's focus and workmanlike attitude are examples for us all. Sure, we could talk about the new theory that Dark Matter doesn't exist - it's really Ted's abs that keeps gravity at bay. We could even enter in reams of data into the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer (TLFCSC) for an Amazingly Accurate Prediction of Ted's Opening Day Performance (AAPOTODP) (editor's note, 6 2/3 IP 7 k 1 BB 2 ER 1-2 BB, 1B, 1 HBP (Hunter Pence)) but we're not going to do that today because today, singularly, is Ted's Day.

Maybe we drink an extra cup of Sanka, maybe we click and re-click this page to get our site numbers up, maybe we jepordize our jobs by spending obscene amounts of time on Cub Reporter, League of Her Own and Wasting Away In Wrigleyville blogging about Ted...but you know what Ted Heads? We could do whatever we want because, on TedsDay, anything is possible.

We won't ask you to fire it up b/c we know you've beening firing it up since former ChiSox Neal Cotts got the loss last night....today will be our Tedependance Day!

Fearless Prediction: Chicago Cubs Go Undefeated

Fresh off the Cubs 4-2 Opening Day victory over the Houston Astros, the Ted Lilly Fan Club would like to join the Cubs Blog Nation in the fearless prediction that the Cubs will, in fact, go undefeated this season (comes on heels of TLFCSC going 3-3 in Opening Day predictions; British Lotto is next).

Critics and naysayers might point out that the MLB season is 162 games long , that no baseball team has ever gotten remotely close to a perfect season, that we’re only one game in, blah blah blah but we’d like to point out that these are the same “media experts” that thought signing Fukudome to play left was ‘genius’, that it was a good idea for banks to offer sub-prime mortgages (tsk tsk Paul Sullivan) and that the Cubs overpaid for Ted Lilly a few yeas back (Lilly’s response? 2nd most strikeouts in the NL over the past few years behind perennial Cy Young candidate Brandon Webb, sublime abs and daily inspiration for a world-renowned, award winning fan club).

1st game saw two HRs early by Soriano and A-Ram (put in on the booooooooard...YES!), backed by some good defense, a strong outing from Big Z, a nail-biter save from 'the Spirit' and TLFC going 1-1 with AFLAC trivia questions (Bob Feller).

2nd game of what will undoubtedly become an amazingly historic winning streak sees British Columbia favourite son, Ryan Dempster, get the ball against Wandy Rodriguez. Of course, all of this is simply the undercard before Wednesday’s title fight between Ted BAMF Lilly and whatever lamb the Astros throw out for slaughter (editor’s note: lamb officially designated as Brian Moehler).

In other, secondary fearless NL Central-friendly predictions, TLFC predicts that Fukudome will be riding the bench before Memorial Day Weekend (Reed Johnson's bald head and alt facial hair reminds us of someone from the future and/or a christian rock band), Chris Carpenter will go on DL (again), the Bucs will remain a non-entity (and small bump on Cubs road to pennant) and Brewers will re-sign Sheets when he returns from surgery this summer.

Opening Day Madness

Opening day madness here at the FC. We have been working diligently towards this day since the Cubs got swept last Roctober (and Sweet Lou didnt listen to our pleas to Get The Ball To Ted--let's hope he learned his lesson). Not a lot to cover off on yet--what with the "real" Opening Day on Wednesday--but here are a few quick musings:

Opening Day Predictions:

• Cubs vs. Astros: Cubs win 4-2 behind a big start by the Powder Keg and a clutch 9th inning save from "the Spirit" Kevin Gregg. If Peavy trade doesn't work out, maybe Cub Management should take a look at the Wizard of Os for a midseason trade???


• Mets vs. Reds: Poor, poor Cincinasty. Not only do they not land Sheffield but they have to face Johan Santana and the Mets in Opening Day at TARP Field. Mets win easily 7-1 as Beltran, Wright and Reyes each clock two hits a piece. If Mets can get innings out of Maine/Pelfrey, this could be a scary team


• Cardinals vs. Pirates: TLFC Upset Special as Paul Maholmn gets the win over Adam "don't call me Loudon" Wainwright. Honestly--the Bucos probably won't win but we would love for the Cardinals to really get off on the wrong foot this season. Also, on a fantasy note, if Pujols is available w/ new 3 pick in a fantasy draft, do you take him? Curious...

Other random thoughts:

• Can't say we're too excited about David Patton getting one of final two bullpen spots. While we are not fans of Notre Dame, we would have preferred to kept Samardjiza in the majors OR keep another cajun one, Chad Gaudin, on the roster. Also, maybe it's just us but we think that Patton reminds us a bit too much of a certain Jame Gumb (baby puts the lotion in the basket)


• We're not too worried about TL's Homer Fest at new Yankee Stadium on Friday. Classic Ted--giving the kids a show before he starts the train for Cy Young station on Wednesday against the Astros


• ChiSox/Royals game is postponed b/c of rain. First question is "does anyone care?". Second question is "in inclement weather, do crazy Sox fans wear cleats for better footing when they rush the field to attack umpires?"

Re-pouring a healthy mug of Sanka now Ted Heads...fire it up.

MLB Unveils Commissioner's Fan Initiative, Ted Lilly Fan Clubs Asks Selig If He’d Also Like A Pound of Our Fan Club Flesh

Things are strange enough around the TLFC these days what with the TLFC U.K. branch in virtual “Thunderdome” lockdown because of the G20, unofficial TL fan sites springing up like zombies in a bad 1950s horror movie and paint still drying on our 2009 Ted Lilly Mural (aka “Tedscape”). But things got even stranger today when our TLFC Intern Mitch gave us our daily stack of news clippings with a fakey MLB release, “Commissioner's Fan Initiative unveiled; Designed to make fans aware of affordable ticket promotions" nestled on top.

According to the article/press release by MLB’s Mark Newman, “The Commissioner's Fan Initiative is designed to make fans aware of the growing number of affordable ticket promotions offered by the 30 Major League clubs and to increase baseball's considerable efforts in giving back to the community.”

Really Selig? You’re trying to make us believe that going to baseball games is affordable? Really? Would you like to sell us some magic beans perhaps? Enjoy that pound of flesh...

Now, we are a free-market Fan Club and are 100% fine w/ major league teams charging whatever they want if the market can sustain the costs. However, let’s not jump on the train to Crazy Town and start paying PR flacks to spin the story in a ridiculous attempt to make games seem affordable or that Buddy Boy Selig is making a big sacrifice during these challenging economic times.

The not-so-objective-journalism article by Newman cites a few examples of teams pitching in to help (Baltimore is having a kid’s night; Pirates are having a ‘Buc’ night and Reds are introducing a Straight-A program).

Always willing to do our part, the TLFC would like to offer a few ideas for the Cubs:

• For every three balls that Soriano misplays in the outfield, adult-age Ted Heads get a free Old Style and lil Ted Heads get an upside mini-helmet with vanilla ice cream


• If a Cubs fan is unable to pay his mortgage b/c he purchased “Bud Selig Fan-Friendly” tickets (along with parking, transportation, souvenirs and/or gas), he can elect to spend a night at the home of a Cubs player in a pillow fort


• Every time that Sweet Lou grows his creepy 70s porn beard, a lucky ticket holder gets to dry shave him (note: Chicago Tribune's Paul Sullivan is not eligible for participation)
  
• If Cubs insist on trotting out pseudo-fans for 7th Inning Stretch and they incorrectly say the words to the song (looking in your direction Jeff Gordon), Cub fans are allowed to line up on Addision to stone offending celebrity (selling video to TMZ is optional)

Remember, the TLFC promises that we will never charge you extra for additional references to Ted Lilly’s abs or unveil a ‘Fan Club Fan Initiative’ that includes reduced rates on participating in TLFC polls or previews of upcoming blog posts (hint: they’re about Ted).

Fire it up, financially-strapped Ted Heads…

Ted Lilly Fan Club Declares War on Talk-Sports.Net

This morning, like all mornings at TLFC UK after city wide riots, we enjoy our Tea, Crumpets, and surf the deep interweb for Ted Lilly news. More often than not, we end up reading about the happennings of Ted and Lilly in CBS' hilarious situational comedy (or 'sitcom'), How I Met Your Mother (gag, dry heave, ab work punishment) but today, oh glorious day, we found something that really fired us up.

We spit our Earl Grey Tea all over the TLFCSC remote desktop when we discovered, on page 19 of a Ted Lilly search we found a link to a Ted Lilly Sucks Forum (TLSF). Gasp. Horror. Elation? We must admit, we were really excited to finally find an arch nemsis, but we were even more elated when we saw the singular post on the forum, dated 24 July 2008, from Ted Head Anonymous, reading:

i like ted lilly, he's very cute. GO CUBS !!!!!

That's 4 (Four!) exclamtion points. Taste That TLSF!

It gets better. Turns out Talk-Sports.net (the evil host) inexplicably also hosts a Ted Lilly Fan Club .... wha, What!? Is that our doppleganger? Have we, unknowingly, been hosting two (!) Ted Lilly Fan Clubs in some sort of bad "Fight Club" scenario? Rule #1? Don't talk about the TLFC.

Our stated policy is that anything that allows Ted Heads to support TL, we're all for it, but being the Switzerland of Internet Fandom is not allowed. Stop sitting on the fence, Mr. Talk-Sports.net, pick a side, this is war! Worse yet, their home page allows you to chose to look at their site in FRENCH. Cheese eating surrender Monkeys and Captain America Ted MF-ing Lilly don't go together! (like oil and water OR TL and non-sublime abs). Worst of all, there's a link to a discussion thread on Ted Lilly's girlfriend....as any true Ted Head knows, TL is happily married to Mrs. Lilly (true and honest). This outrage can not stand...

Open warfare is upon us Ted Heads and we're about to fire back. All 5 of you that read this here TLFC (Hi Grandma! Creepy 'hey' to Illinois Correctional Facility Inmate #53742), get yourselves over there and show some support for TL. Rain fire on the Sucks forum, show some love on the Ted Lilly Fan Club forum, but get those Ted Heads over here!

Fire it up Ted Heads! As General George S. Patton said "Battle is an orgy of disorder."