Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Ted: Lilly Triumphs Over Dodgers

What a great day of baseball, TedHeads. Not only did we get to enjoy our favorite rooftop (Skybox on Sheffield--highly reco'd) but, more importantly, Ted BAMF Lilly put together a classic Ted performance in leading the Cubs to victory.

Ted's final line? 7 innings pitched, 5 walks, 3 BBs and 1 ER (HR-standard).

And, let's be honest, we needed this. Ted stopped his own mini-losing streak while also gaining revenge against the team that the Cubs (technically Cubs minus Ted Lilly) lost to in last year's postseason.

Let's hear from Koyie Hill on TL and TL's greatness. "That was patented Ted Lilly. He's a gamer, everybody knows it. He's always going to go out and give you a chance to win, and today he didn't get discouraged. A lot of guys can let what happened early in the game affect them and try to do too much, and he stayed the course and pitched his game. If it weren't for him, we wouldn't have the opportunity to win. A lot of this is him." Truer words have never been said.

So, lets' all join virtual hands and sing:

Baseball season's underway
Horrah for us it is a Ted's Day
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today!

We're singing ...

Go, Ted, go
Go, Ted, go
Hey, Ted Head's, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today

Go, Ted, go
Go, Ted, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today.

Ted's got power, Ted changes speeds
He can strike out all in both Leagues
He'll pick you off if you try to steal,
And drive the ball to opposite Field!

We're singing now...

Go, Ted, go
Go, Ted, go
Hey, Ted Head's, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today

Go, Ted, go
Go, Ted, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today.

Hammer time is here again
Curves galore from the boy from Torran -ce
Buckle your knees or in on your hands
With Ted on the mound you're sure to fan.

We're singing now...

Go, Ted, go
Go, Ted, go
Hey, Ted Head's, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today

Go, Ted, go
Go, Ted, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
Ted Lilly's gonna win today.

Ted Lilly Start #10: Redemption Song

While these past few starts have been less than Ted-friendly, today's start against Los Dodgers will hopefully go down in the good book as Ted's redemption song (editor's note: good book is the June edition of Cubs Vine Line).

To be clear, we are not referring to Bob Marley's song about neo-spiritualism that is blasted by 17 yr old high school kids who break into their parent's secret marijuana while said parents are out of town. We are instead referring to the ancient hymn that appears on Egyptian pyramids and in Greek temples to honor Ted's virtue, humility and immortality.

And, given this past week, we certainly need the help.

In his last start against SD, Ted was a roller coaster of emotions, allowing five runs on eight hits, walking two and striking out four in 6 1/3 innings including TL-arch nemesis Chris Young singling home the first two runs of the game. This marks Ted's second consecutive loss but, in true Ted fashion, he has only requested two or under runs in support from the Cub's offense for his pitching as a daily challenge to his greatness.

In today's start, Ted faces off against Chad Billingsley who may or may not be the same child actor who played Ralphie in "A Christmas Story". To support Ted, the TLFC has decided to wake up early, mix a few extra strong Sanka/Bud Extra cocktails and make our way over to the Skybox on Sheffield Rooftop (unofficial home of rooftop TedHeads everywhere) for today's game.

If any other TedHeads are at the game, let us know... tedlillyrules@gmail.com (we'll check our blackberrys in between innings just like Ted checks his ridiculous abs in between innings or Big Z doing his anger management exercises).

As for today's prediction, the TLFC Super Computer is off at Space Camp so, in his place, we welcome in the Gatorade machine that both Dumpster and Big Z teed off on this week:

6 1/3 IP, 6Ks, 2 Ks, 1 ER (HR--standard) and one gentle pat from TL.

Umpire Bob Davidson Calls Ted Lilly a Liar, TLFC Calls Bob Davidson a Poop Face

Drastic times call for drastic measures, TedHeads. In light of umpire Bob Davidson's comments about Ted Lilly and his ejection from Monday night's game, we felt the need to stand up and proclaim Ted's innocence. Let's look at the facts...

Ping: Davidson's comments from the Tribune, "There was no contact," Davidson said. "We never came close, on his part or mine. And everything he said to [the media] was bull. Everything I read in the paper that he said was untrue. He never said one of those words. What he said to me, you couldn't print in the paper."

Pong: From Jim Hendry, "We all know Ted Lilly is a real stand-up guy. From an umpire's point of view, I don't think Ted is considered in any way, shape or form in this game as a guy that complains. You don't see Ted out there on the mound, complaining about pitches, rolling his eyes, walking around the mound. I would think Ted's reputation with umpires is real good. He's a winning type pitcher. He's a fierce competitor, and his reputation and his record stands for itself. He's never lied to me. I like Ted a lot."

Honestly, it doesn't really matter...Ted might get slapped on the wrist with a fine or maybe even a game suspension but it's not going to affect his start this Friday so, all in all, who the hell cares, right? Ted is still a god in our eyes (not the God but a god), Bob Davidson smells the poop and the world continues to spin.

Most impressive here is that Ted jumped the fence to continue his argument with Bobby on the field...cat-like reflexes, eagle-eye vision and a Mordor-like fire burning in his belly that we cleverly like to call Tedtensity.

Sorry, Dodgers--y'all don't have a fighting chance this Friday afternoon...

Memorable Memorial Day As TL Stands Up For America

Memorial Day hangover, TedHeads...too many Sanka/Bud Extra cocktails (the "Sextra"), too many bottle rockets/smoke bombs at the TLFC Lake Geneva Getaway and far too many Cubs losses as the losing streak stands at eight.

Most ridiculous part of last night's game was clearly TL getting ejected from Monday night's game after arguing with home-plate umpire Bob Davidson from the dugout.

Said Ted, "I asked him if he (Davidson) could concentrate a little bit back there, and he told me he could do whatever he wanted. That got me upset. I became a little upset with the attitude, that he can do whatever he wants because he's the umpire."

Said the TLFC, "Holy shit cripes."

Continued Ted, ""I don't know what's going to happen. I hope not. I don't think I was very mean -- I don't remember exactly what I said."

Continued the TLFC, "Wow--Ted is so intense that he doesn't even remember his own words."

According to picture above, TL needed not one, not two but three people between him and Davidson to prevent him from ripping the ump's head clean off before drinking his blood and letting loose a blood-curdling tribal yell in some sort of strange Native American war ritual.

Hopefully, MLB doesn't overreact and suspend Ted for any length of time as the TLFC is prepping for our semi-annual rooftop party in celebration of Ted this Friday against the Padres. BUT--if MLB, in its infinite wisdom, does ban Ted, we will solemly be wearing black arm bands in honor of his courage, wisdom and BAMF-ness.

Fire it up, TedHeads...Ted's clearly already there.

The Twelve Labors of Ted Lilly

In the rare chance that Ted Lilly proactively decides to take a loss to teach his fellow Cubs a lesson about humility, we often get a number of letters and emails sent to the TLFC Tedquarters from TedHeads around the world asking us for an explanation and if we have any idea what Ted does to cope after each of these losses. Likewise--we assume that Dumpster coped with his loss last night with an extra-large box of Tim Horton's doughnuts and some Molson Extra--official beer of the Ryan Dempster Fan Club--extra warm, extra shitty--that's Molson Extra!.

Well, TedHeads, with help from Amherst College's Christopher V. Trinacty (visiting professor of classics and unabashed TedHead), we have done a little research and determined that, after each loss, Ted Lilly embarks on a epic journey of Twelve Labors ("epic" defined as lasting only four or less days and able to be fit in around film review/kangaroo boxing matches).

Similiar to Hercules Twelve Labors from Greek mythology, Ted proactively completes twelve arduous tasks as a penance for the previous start's loss (again--Dempster? He just works on that super gross glove flip thing that he does and eats more Tim Horton's doughnuts).

The Twelve Labors of Ted Lilly

1. Slay a fatted calf. Ted the Player clearly starts with an easy task, killing a fatted calf as a sacrifice to himself, Ted the God.

2. Steal the most recent composite from the Kappa sorority at Northwestern University. Known for their love of field hockey and ability to outdrink the pansies at Sigma Chi, Kappas, like the Sirens, are considered a formidable opponent for Ted.

3. Personally apologize to each and every of the 1,200 strikeout victims that Ted has embarassed over his eleven seasons in the majors. Hey San Diego! We'll see if Ted can dial up a few advance apologies for the 10K gem he's planning to toss against you on Sunday.

4. Refrain from a post-game reward of extra ab work. Sorry, Ted, you took the loss--you're not allowed to make your abs any more sublime. Them's the breaks. BUT, as picture above shows, Ted's already in pretty decent shape.

5. Engage in an old-fashioned walk-off against Hansel (so hot right now).

6. Walk on water - easy for Ted to do. What wasn't easy was the 50 underwater bat swings with a log that TL took after

7. Rescue the the mythical shankara stones in India while battling a Kālī Thuggee religious cult plotting child slavery, black magic and ritual human sacrifice.

8. Beat the IBM Super Computer Big Blue in Chess...take Mrs. Big Blue out for drinks

9. Complete a New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle blindfolded and with no black squares.

10. Clean the cage of his trusty hawk/friend, Fury. Like Hercules having to clean the Augean stables in a single day, TL will be forced to do the same. However, also like Hercules (who succeeded by rerouting the rivers Alpheus and Peneus to wash out the filth), Ted will most likely use the left-over alcohol from the dish rags at Cubby Bear mixed with his own purifying sweat to clean Fury's cage.

11. Blow up the Death Star.

12. Agree to finally battle the H1N1 Swine Flu Virus as part of a WWE Wrestling Extravaganza.

Little treat to fire it up on a slow Thursday morning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSYxT9GM0fQ

"Joel" translated: "He Who Intoxicates"

Tastes Like.... REVENGE!

Last nights game was a stinky, poopy diaper. Not because of the loss, but because it smelled and was gooey and WTF was that?

Ted, well, just your typical hard nosed, trench warrior, all-effort-all-the-time type performance. Not his best stuff, 3 BB, but 5 k's and 7IP of solid work. You can see the guy absolutely killing himself to succeed. Postgame, TL mentioned (via Cubs.com):

"I feel like ultimately, that's what you're supposed to do as a starting pitcher is do whatever you can to give up fewer runs than the other guy. Unfortunately, I had my hands full."

Ted later added that it was "his bad" that malaria still exists and he's sorry that we haven't yet colonized Mars, he's working on that. Ted, you're too hard on yourself.

Generally, this type of performance is "W" material, but if there's one thing we know it's that Joel Pineiro can always throw a complete game shut out (ed. note, in fact, we don't know this.) The Joel Juggernaut this time claimed the Cubs bat as it's victim, it happens to everyone (ed. note, in fact, this doesn't happen to everyone.) Pineiro was the stinky part. On to the Poopy part.

"Colby" translated: "He who flails all night, but then randomly hits a HR."

Watching the game last night, it was clear that two batters in particular had massive issues picking up TL's pitcher. The first, Chris Duncan, who fell victim to one of the nastier LillyHammer curves we've seen in awhile. You could practically see his face melt as he stood, leg locked, and watched TL nestle Uncle Charlie into Soto's awaiting mitt. We blacked out immediately after seeing that, only to awake in the alley of the TLFCHQ, naked, 10 minutes later. Happens all the time.

The other was victim was Colby Rasmus, who looked more than completely lost before he belted a 2 run HR in the fifth. We think his bunt attempt in the first was his own call, made out of pure fear. Can't blame him, Bob pointed out that before last night Rasmus was something like 0-25 against lefties.

Look, HR's are part of Ted's game. Like God (ed note, Ted is a god), TL's ways are mysterious and we shouldn't question them. So, while we initially questioned TL's rationale giving a bomb to Colby, we're not going to do that now. Interestingly, after we questioned TL's rationale, we blacked out, only to find ourselves in the alley of the TLFCHQ, naked, 10 min later. Happens all the time.

Moving on, we say. Poopy diapers are things that happen. Tough loss, all-in-all a good, if not great start by TL.

Ted Lilly Start #8 Preview: Best Foot Forward

A quick look at the NL Central standings sees the Cubs a game and a half behind the upstart Chicago Jr. Brewers and half game ahead of the St. Louis Cardinals.

However, with the recent news that Milwaukee has lost team sparkplug Rickie Weeks for the year with a tear in his left-wrist, St. Louis now returns to the role of our most formidable competition for the pennant and loyalty-challenged fans in East St. Louis, IL.

Thus, with Tuesday marking the start of a pivotal series against the Cardinals, the Cubs wisely are putting their best food forward and starting their staff ace, Ted Lilly in the series opener against Joel Pinero (really--is there any doubt that TL has assumed the mantle of staff ace?)

Before we proceed into the post and eventual TLFC Super Computer, take a click over to Dave Van Dyck's almost blushing article on Ted from yesterday's Trib. Is Dave a TedHead? Maybe...maybe not...but the last time we saw fluff like this, our TLFC Intern Mitch was trying to do whip-its with a full bottle of Cool Whipp.

You may be asking yourself, "hey Self, what's up with the picture of TL bowling over Thumper's friends like they were Yadier Molina?" Well Self, we're not sure either, but maybe it has something to do with Ted being a vicious MF'er that would be willing to disrupt a happy gathering of fantastical woodland creatures if it meant victory? Yep--win at all costs. Nuff said.

But despite the violence of our image, and in classic TL fashion (always a friend to animals, lil' TedHeads, even including Cardinals), Ted has promised to take it "easy" on STL tonight. While TL has already gone into his usual pregame seclusion (editor's note: seclusion officially defined as a zen-like state in which Ted contemplates life's most pressing issues/reviews game tape), we can only assume that, by "taking it easy," Ted could possibly:

• Agree to not throw a perfect game and instead "only" throw a no-hitter. No need to embarrass the Cards on their home field, right?
• Make the STL clubhouse staff promise to keep the Zima away from Tony LaRussa after STL loses and/or steal Tony's car keys while he's busy asking Pujols for an autograph
• Help local residents experience true celebrity and not the faux-hype that St. Louis has come to represent like the U.S. Chess Championship and the premiere of indoor plumbing
• Speak French when ordering a Budweiser... why? Because pride of St. Louis "Budweiser" was purchased by Belgium Conglomerate InBev. St. Louisianians (?), like all Europeans, appreciate it when you at least try to speak their language and/or grow a bad mustache.
• Convince his Cubs teammates to not speak of the short, but prolific, era of the St. Louis Rap Scene. Where did Nelly and Chingy go? Long live Chi's Kanye and Common.

Per tradition, we welcome in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer for today's prediction:

7 IP, 8Ks, 1 BB, 1 ER and 2-4 with two scorching singles. As a bonus, TL will also cast yet another disparaging eye towards Anheuser-Busch for the anti-American InBev deal. Tsk tsk tsk.

Fire it up, TedHeads, your soon-to-be-NL All-Star Game-starter goes today...

Report: Ted Lilly Apologizes to Cub Teammates

CHICAGO -- Ted Lilly, superstar Cub pitcher and likely spawn of Immortal Sun God Apollo, walked solemnly into the Cub locker room yesterday, hugged his teammates and coaches, then hesitantly faced the group.

"I apologize", Ted said, choking back tears.

And the Chicago Cubs accepted his apology and the Heavens sighed.

Lilly made the short walk into the clubhouse during Friday's postponement of the Astro's - Cubs series opener, addressing the team for the first time since Manny Ramirez met with his Dodger team for the first time since Ramirez's 50 game banned substance suspension (yes--for a female hormone--fill in joke here:____).

"I think he was comfortable with the people he was around," Dodger Manager Joe Torre said of Ramiriez, "but I think the circumstances made him (Ramirez) uncomfortable.

As for Ted. "I think he was comfortable with the people he was around," said TLFC regrading TL, "but we think the circumstances made him (Lilly) uncomfortable."

Both meetings were brief, Lilly's and Manny's, but while the Dodgers teamates rallied around Ramirez and would not give details, Cub teamates opennly discussed Ted's speach.

"When TL got up there and told us that he was sorry for achieving so much without performance enhancing drugs and without having the absurdly natural baseball skills of Ramirez. .. well, I just about teared up," said Cub newcomer Randy Wells, "I'm considering tattooing a single tear on my cheek to remember that moment."

However, Wells quickly decided against the single-tear tattoo after watching a HBO "Oz" marathon and realizing that, in gang lore, a single tear is reserved for a fallen "homey." Instead, on Jeff Samardzija's suggestion, he got a senior-year-spring-break-in-Cancun-friendly shamrock tattoed on his ankle.

Teamate Koyle Hill added, "Ted said, 'hey guys, I'm sorry I get out there every fifth day and give it my all without performance enhancers. I'm sorry I work out absurdly hard in between starts and that I'm totally committed to this team and most of all I'm sorry that I have abs that withstand orbital rentry without needing performance enhancers - essentially, I'm sorry that I'm the antithesis of Manny Ramirez, who I'm sure is a good guy who just lost the Faith."

"I worship Ted Lilly," added Hill, "I literally pray to his image with my family every night. Sure, some might consider that pretty weird but same thing could be said for a group of Cubs fans devoting an entire blog to a guy who doesn't even own a computer."

TLFC had no comment.

Are You Not Entertained? Ted Lilly Wins #5

Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

Let's just put aside Ted's standard, early inning home-run gift to Adrian Gonzalez (wasn't he the Cuban kid who was at the center of a custody and immigration debate in FLA?) and just admit the obvious: he is pitching like a true ace and the train to Cy Young Station is gaining steam.

Ted's final line? 6.1 IP, a few earned runs, 7 strikeouts and no walks.

So--we say again--are you not entertained?

He now stands tied for 1st in the NL with wins, tied for third in fewest walks given up and sitting with a healthy 3.27 ERA.

Of course, classic Ted, while happy with his performance, it still wasn't good enough: "Maybe because my pitches are so good they want to swing at the ball," Lilly said about the lack of walks. "I still feel like my command on both sides of the plate can improve."

Icing on the cake came in the form of soon-to-be-Mannyfied Ryan Theriot and his two HRs (we are assured that it's the Alligator Growth Hormone which currently is NOT on the banned substances list).

We now stand at 1/2 game back of the three-headed monster at the top of the NL Central standings but, let's be clear, STL doesn't have the arms and Cincy will wake up soon which, in our mind, leaves Chicago Jr. as the sole challenger. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Fire it up...Dumpster gets the ball at 1:20.

Ted Lilly Start #7: Be Your Own TedHead

We often get a number of notes from TedHeads around the world, asking us, "hey TLFC--in addition to my homemade #30 TL t-shirt and almost-creepy encyclopedic knowledge of Ted, how can I be a better TedHead?"

Well, friends, your prayers have been answered in the form of a life size cut-out of Ted. Simply print out the enclosed image of Ted (be careful with those scissors TedHeads--we don't need any injuries arising from over anxious fans wanting to show their support), attach to a ruler/paint stirrer/mini Fungo Bat and, viola, you can experience life as Ted Lilly.

Now--granted, no one will ever truly understand what it means to be Ted. Face-melting Lillyhammers. Skirt-dropping abs (remember ladies--he's taken). Head implosion inducing Tedtensity. However, we do caution that wearing your "Ted Head" could lead to impassioned leadership, an unflinching desire to win, and ability to speak with Animals. Please remember that this is a privilege, not a right. Rarified air indeed.

More importantly, with Johan Santana's Monday night loss against the Braves, the door is now wide open for Ted to jump into the driver's seat for the early season Cy Young award push. We might as well go on record now as saying that a TL Cy Young would make our universe implode and our trophy case full. TedHeads, that's a good thing.

His opponent? The upstart San Diego Padres and Chris Young. Thankfully, Ted stands at 4-1 lifetime against the Fathers and, more importantly, always enjoys putting on a show for any California-based TedHeads who made the trip.

TLFC Super Computer Prediction: 7 IP, 7Ks, 2BBs, 1 ER and 1 hair-ruffle of Ryan Freel (w/ corresponding giggle from Freel) and hundrends, nee thousands of "Ted Heads" in the Wrigley stands.

Farewell Joey Gathright, We'll Miss Your .214 Batting Average

In a move most likely spurred on by Jim Hendry receiving word from the future about A-Ram's sudden injury, the Cubs have acquired former Cincinasty Reds utilityman extraordinaire Ryan Freel in exchange for Speedy but NotSoMuch Hitty reserve outfielder Joey Gathright. Thank God for Quantum Leap.

According to crack MLB reporter JR Radcliffe , "Versatility appeared to be the key concept behind the maneuver, with the Cubs adding a player who could play multiple positions. Of particular interest is Freel's experience at third base, a spot where regular starter Aramis Ramirez has endured injury issues this season."

In our mind, this signals the Cubs finally admitting that they are missing Mark DeRosa's versatility and are trying to recapture that magic in Freel. As your friendly neighborhood fan club, we welcome Ryno with open arms and, if TLFC rules didn't prohibit creepiness, we would probably use Google Earth to track him down and give a housewarming gift of homemade brownies and tips on what bars to hang out at in Chicago (read: Beaumonts and Deja Vu).

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's meet Ryan Freel:

• Hometown: Jacksonville, FLA (also hometown of the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync which might explain Freel's taste for frosted tips)
• He has an imaginary friend named Farney (Said Freel: "He's a little guy who lives in my head who talks to me and I talk to him. That little midget in my head said, 'That was a great catch, Ryan,' I said, 'Hey, Farney, I don't know if that was you who really caught that ball, but that was pretty good if it was.' Everybody thinks I talk to myself, so I tell 'em I'm talking to Farney)
• He has twice been arrested for DUIs which, of course, makes him an instant friend of STL skipper Tony LaRussa
• According to message boards to Bleed Cubbie Blue, "it was actually the players wives that hated him, as he always showed up to events intoxicated, dipping, and ready to hit on and offend all the women. Which sounds perfect for a clubhouse."--sounds amazing--exactly the kind of "glue guy" we need to ensure this season stays on track

Ryan Freel era starts now...

You Mess With Ted Lilly, You Get The Horns

TGIMFF TedHeads. For some strange reason, a limited number of folks around the Major Leagues still have not gotten the memo to stop challenging Ted Lilly and just take your spot as a spectator/admirer on Ted's trip to Cy Young station.

Case in point: your 2009 Houston Astros.

It seems that the 'Stros might have gotten a little arrogant before yesterday's game after touching Ted up for a few runs in the opening series of the year (Ted, as always, got the final laugh by getting the W), wrongly believing that, contrary to Internet lore and lipstick scrawls on truckstop bathroom walls, Ted is mortal (!).

Ted's response? 6 IP, 2 ER (from a HR by the B-12 Juice King/Manny's "source" Miggy Tejada), 5 Ks and a few walks to keep himself humble en route to his 4th win of the year. Ted has now won five straight against Houston and, respectfully, is starting to make them his personal b*tch.

Astros response? Continued futility from their pitching corps (from ESPN: "The Astros haven't had a starter get through six innings since April 28, spurring Cooper to add a 13th pitcher -- Alberto Arias -- to the roster on Wednesday. On Thursday, the Astros needed six pitchers: Ortiz, Byrdak, Chris Sampson, Wesley Wright, Felipe Paulino and Arias."), Fat Elvis throwing up a super sweet 4 strikeout game and Astros Superfan and friend of the blog Jordan Rittenberry been forced to drown his sorrows in a few Zimas.

We now stand at 16-12 and in 2nd place in the Central behind the Cardinals (sorry--no Rick Ankiel joke here--just doesn't feel right). Tonight marks the start of a weekend series against Chicago Jr. as the Randy Wells Band gets the start.

Quick note: Wells was originally selected by Toronto before making his way to the Cubs. Hmmmmm, starts off in Toronto before heading south of the border to Chicago--sounds eeriely familiar. Let's hope that he has similiar success as TL did...

Manny Suspended, Late May Ted Lilly Battle Suspected

These Eyes Say, "I Will Eat Your Soul."
(thx to CubsSalad for the pic)

Real Story TedHeads. Manny Ramirez can do math. If you look at the Cub's schedule, take into account Z's DL status, factor in that someone is going to get pushed back a day (looking at you Rich Harden) so that the Randy Wells Experience doesn't have to happen a couple of times, and you can safely compute that Ted Lilly will start against the Dodgers during their May 28-31 series. If we saw TL on the docket, we'd juice it up as well. Good call Manny, good call.

Speaking of banned substances, what a coincidence that tonight's Ted Lilly start pits our hero against the steroid friendly Houston Astros. Given TL's previous outing in Houston, we guess that the Astro's probably feel they don't need to hit the Theriot Juice to take on TL. Well, they're just Ted wrong.

We'll acknowledge that 'stros put up 5 runs over 5 innings and numerous prodigious bombs, but as we well know, revenge is dish best served Ted. With TL rolling and a listless Astro's team worried about what crazy moves Ed Wade is going to pull or out of what corner will appear MLB's crack drug busting squad, we think Ted's got a good one in him tonight.

TLFCSC sees 7 IP, 6 K, 1 HR Given Up (editors note, WOW!), 1 HR by Ted (editors note, Huzzah!), and Ed Wade one game closer to being fired.

TLFC Las Vegas Branch Checks In With Ted Lilly Odds

One of the benefits of being a global fan club is the ability to operate and draw upon our local branch offices for "finger on the pulse" insight into all things Ted and the Chicago Cubs.

When Theriot started his power binge, we immediately checked in w/ TLFC Baton Rouge to learn more about the source of the Riot's new-found muscle.

When several TedHeads were interested in making a pilgrimage to TL's hometown of Torrance, CA (looking in your direction TedHead JJ), we reached out to our West Coast bureau for directions and B&B recommendations. And, just today, thinking about Ted's upcoming start against Old Man River Russ Ortiz on Thursday, we asked the TLFC Las Vegas for the latest odds on several TL-focused items. Now, instead of giving you the standard odds on Cubs winning the pennant, Bears winning the Super Bowl etc., we are going to reach deep and bring out some little-known Vegas TL odds.

Straight from the TLFC Sports Book, a few odds:

• Odds that Ted Lilly is, in fact, right-handed and simply chooses to pitch with his left hand to challenge himself: 10-1.


• Odds that the upcoming movie "Angels & Demons" is actual a bio-pic about Ted's inner struggles to control his famous Tedtensity: 100-1.


• Odds that, by the year 2012, the TLFC cloning machine will be complete, thus ensuring that the Cubs can field an all-Ted team that season: 75-1.


• Odds that, once that a team of cloned Teds would go undefeated, leading to a breakdown in societal norms which ultimately will necessitate a banning of Ted clones: 2-1.


• Odds that the TLFC is going with a lazy "vegas odds" blog b/c it is too hungover from too many poolside frat dranks at the Planet Hollywood Vegas. 45-1.

There you have it, benefits of our Global Reach delivered directly to you. Rich Harden and Mike Hampton (Mike Hampton!) go tonight, with TL tomorrow. Get. Fired. Up.

Chris Singleton: TedHead

Post HR, Ted admonishes Theriot for not hitting it farther

Lots and Lots of talk in the pipes of the Interweb about the sudden emergence of Ryan Theriot's power. We don't have anything to add to this 'story' and we're not going try spin the story as if Ted Lilly was somehow involved (editors note, Ted definitely was involved, see photo evidence above.) Sorry to disappoint.

We're also not going to talk about Big Z's trip to the DL, nor are we going to spin that story as if this might actually be good because it will give Z's shoulder some rest and that Ted can carry the burden. Nope, not us. Instead, we're going all Meta and let ESPN praise Ted and then comment on them (how hip are we?):

On ESPN.com, Chris Singleton, yee of the lifetime 0.286 BA with 45 HR in 700 AB, writes:

Also, Ted Lilly has pitched very well and has already taken the mentality of an ace. He is a competitor regardless and doesn't need to change his approach with Zambrano temporarily out of the rotation.

Now, we're not ones to blast anyones writing, especially someone showing The Love for TL, but TedHeads, what does this mean? Ted doesn't have the mind of an ace, Ted has the mind of a hawk looking to ravage baby rabbits from their mother's flailing paws. Ted doesn't have an approach, he has an obessive desire of the Zodiac Killer, focused on one thing - Winning. Confused, we plugged Singleton's quote into the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer (TLFSC) and this was the output:

Ted Lilly is a M*tha F*%$in' Badass that would kill an baby penguin or eat nails if it meant a Cubs win.

That makes more sense to us, except the nails part, which we already know is one of Ted's favorite prestart meals. So, Mr. Singleton, while we appreciate the Love for Ted, you keep on doing what you're doing and leave the Ted Lilly praise to those that know excessive hyperbole... namely, us.

Thanks to Overnight Pete for the tip.

Ryan Theriot Juices, Ted Lilly Delights

What, in sweet jesus, has gotten into Ryan Theriot? Lil guy stroked another home run and followed that up with a triple in a big Cubs Derby Day win over the Fish. While yesterday our TLFC scout down in Louisiana theorized that the Riot got strong by wrasslin gators and boxing hurriances, today we must take a hard look at whether or not Riot has been following the medical advice of Doctors Miguel Tejada, Jose Canseco and Rafeal Palmerio.

Not to be outdone in the power department, Ted Lilly followed up his last un-Ted outing with a supreme performance: striking out 10, walking none and only giving up Cody Ross' solo homer in the fifth. He also helped the cause w/ a scorching two-run double.

With the win, Ted has now beaten every single team in the major leagues. He also became the first Cubs pitcher with 10-plus strikeouts and 2-plus RBIs in a single game since Mark Prior on Sept. 21, 2005.

Ted Lilly now stands at second in the NL in wins, tied for first in number of walks given up and, in our minds, a leading contender for NL Cy Young (yes--we're serious but that might be the Sunday Funday Sanka talking).

We just need Johan Santana to implode, Bronson Arroyo to proactively decide to focus more on his dbag band/hair and Jason Marquis/Joel Pinero to remember that they are, in fact, Jason Marquis/Joel Pinero so please get out those voodoo dolls TedHeads.

Ted's apprentice, Carlos Zambrano, gets the ball today....

Choose Your Own Adventure: Ted Lilly, Bulls, Blackhawks and Derby

Helluva Saturday around the Fan Club. Normally, we would be geeked out enough over Ted Lilly’s afternoon start against the Marlins but, throw in the addition of a Bulls/Celts Game 7, a Blackhawks playoff game and the Kentucky Derby and we are downright spazzing out like some 4th grade kid hopped up on Mt. Dew and skittles.

While trying to settle ourselves down, we took a much-needed break in the TLFC Reading Room (sponsored by the Christian Science Monitor) and happened upon an old collection of Choose Your Own Adventure books from our childhood (when we were just a lil fan club).

After spending a few minutes dealing with stories of haunted houses, stolen treasure and pirates encounters, we realized that this could be the perfect platform for today’s sporting events.

Turn to Page 30…..watch Ted Lilly man-handle the Marlins.

Turn to Page 58….see the Bulls clash with the Celtics in an epic 4 OT game

Turn to Page 27….watch the Chicago Blackhawks even their series against the Canucks

Turn to Page 42….watch the Kentucky Derby (TLFC Pick? Dunkirk)

Turn to Page 39....watch Wall-E on HBO (whoops, Super Computer got into the blog again)

Obviously, our Fan Club by-laws dictate that our primary focus remain on Ted's start today against the Fish. Before the end of yesterday's game, we had planned on writing a rather somber post that discussed TL's prowess in securing victories in the day after a Cubs' loss but lil guy, Ryan Theroit hit an extra gear with his grand slam that took us to victory.

Seriously? Theriot? Maybe he's the new DeRosa? While Congress will probably just assume that he's juicing, we have word from our TLFC New Orleans branch that the Riot spent his offseason wrasslin gators, boxing hurricanes and chugging Tabasco to pump himself up for this season.

Whatever the reason, Riot took us home and now it's Ted's turn.

Our prediction for Ted: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6Ks and 2 BBs.
Our prediction for the TLFC: 1 TL victory, a Bulls/Hawks/Dunkirk victory and several burned couches in celebration.

No need to fire it up, TedHeads, this sort of intensity comes with the territory.