While some might think that our headline refers to a certain
Corey Haim/Corey Feldman vehicle from the year 1989 (also known as the Golden Age of Cinema), yesterday's second straight
come-from-behind victory reaffirms that, with a little hope and pluck, we can still hope for a Cubs post-season and eventual TL perfect game in game 7 of the World Series.
However, in order to get there, we know that Ted can't do it alone (
editor's note: Ted, in fact, can do it alone but will probably choose not to). So, in the spirit of collaboration and Cubs synergy, we invited in our friends, Steve and John, at
Wasting Away In Wrigleyville for a guest spot on the blog.
Are we lazy? Maybe. Are we too hopped up on Sanka around a TedsDay start to type a whole blog? Probably...but we appreciate their alcohol-fueled brand of Cubs blogging so when you're sick of countless posts about Ted's abs or soapbox rants on how much we hate Joe Buck, do yourself a favor and jump on over to their blog. So, gentleman---you have the
conch:
From Wasting Away In Wrigleyville's John:
Were this Cubs season some sort of
Disney Movie, the hours prior to Ted’s start on Saturday would be the character-developing (read: sort of boring) part where he has conflicting emotions about meeting his former comrades – Woody and DeRo – in the field of competition.
Of course, Ted being Ted, he’d think about it for six seconds before coming up with the perfect solution. He’d kick the crap out of the Indians, allowing DeRosa one infield hit and pegging the bejeezus out of his shoulder like a loving big brother to let the man go a respectable 1-3 on the day with 2 Ks. Swinging or looking, it doesn’t matter.
Ted proves to be merciful like a motherfucker that way. As for Woody, you don’t often get the chance to close games when your team’s hitters are in the fetal position, praying for death to a cruel an unmerciful god that hath brought the wrath of TL upon them like so many locusts – locusts with bitchin’ unhittable breaking balls.
Anyhow, for WAIW’s particular contribution to the TLFC prediction canon, I contemplated on TL’s status as an unstoppable force of nature. And I also reflected on other legends in my life. While most proved lacking when exposed to the shining light of TL, I did come up with one (admittedly inferior to Ted) parallel. I don’t suppose you’ve seen 1980’s Patrick Swayze vehicle Roadhouse? Stoic, NYU-educated bouncer Dalton (umm … just Dalton) proves a stoic, badass, nearly mythic figure throughout the 90-some minutes of this underrated TNT late night classic. I provide you with some quotes that I’m reasonably sure that both Dalton (fictional, but only just) and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (real, but unbelievably so) have both uttered.
Presumably with the THUNDER OF ZEUS providing a suitably cacophonous and bowel-loosening background.
- “Pain don’t hurt”
- “Nobody ever wants to fight” (most likely sarcastic)
- "Be nice. Until it's time to not be nice."
- “My way … or the highway”
- “Take the biggest guy in the world … shatter his knee and he’ll drop like a stone.” (YOU HEAR THAT, FIELDER, YOU FAT FUCK?!?)
- “It’ll get worse before it gets better"
- “You’re too stupid to have a good time”
- “If you’re gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash” (Gotta curb Ankiel, Tony!)- (Ripping out a man’s throat with his bare hands, noticing oft-nude Kelly Lynch reacting in horror) “This isn’t what it looks like!”
Fuck yes. If I were a dying leukemia kid, I would ask to watch this movie with Ted Lilly, a couple bottles of Wild Turkey 101, and a bevy of the finest escorts 401 (c) (3) money could buy. I’m fairly certain that it would cure the disease, which is why I’ve begun a charity dedicated to this very ideal. But I digress.
In conclusion, Ted Lilly does not teabag, he potato sacks. Now, for the actual game prediction,
From Wasting Away In Wrigleyville's Steve:
Hello, fellow Tedheads, Steve here. This year, my rotation of games has it so I am at a high proportion of Ted Lilly starts (or high proportion of awesomeness (HPA)). With my HPA hovering at 60% (as defined a TLS divided by total games attended), I feel well versed to comment on the predicted outcome of his start on Saturday against the Indians. Lilly finds himself facing Tomo Ohka, who is new to the rotation. It is often not fair to place this sacrificial lamb against the Lilly, though he certainly has shown he can hold is own. Unfortunately, a gem of a game by an opposing pitcher pales in comparison to Ted De Beers Lilly (a picture of the Lilly’s face is the official flag of Antwerp).
The Lilly will start off on a streak, putting away the first 13 batters. But because the Lilly is compassionate, he will show mercy, allowing DeRosa to get a meaningless two-out single, after which, he will throw DeRosa out at first (compassion has its limits). The one-hit affair will be donned with an asterisk, as everyone will know the DeRosa hit was a gift of charity, rather than an official one.
The Lilly will last a strong 8 innings, before having to leave the game to rescue some kittens from a burning tree on Kenmore. His efforts will be rewarded, with both a win and an honorary badge from the city for his heroics. Cubs 4 , Indians 0.
Normally, if your starting pitcher goes 7 innings with 7 strikeouts, 2 earned runs and only 2 walks, you'd feel that you have a pretty good chance at a victory.
