Ted Lilly Start #20 Recap: Aren't You Glad Ted Lilly Was Pitching Today?

Wow---Tedheads, that was professional pitching at it's finest.

Really, under these circumstances, would you rather have any other pitcher be on that mound than Ted "I don't need no stinking DL" Lilly? What follows, TedHeads, is a quick recap of Ted's first simulated game. Clearly--we miss Ted.

First Inning: one out, TL gives up a prodigious blast to steroid fiend and lover of communism, Miguel Tejada. Ted then comes back, hits Carlos Lee square in the back. Why? Just cause that's what he does when people look at him funny. TL then solicits a DP to end the inning. End of the first, 1-0 Astros (cracking open first Bud Extra of the Day)

Second Inning: TL works a 1-2-3 Second with a particularly nasty, knee-breaking curve to Jeff Keppinger. WGN cameras catch Ted talking to himself in a dugout mirror, challenging himself to a fist fight. Said Lou, "when Ted gets like that, you just need to let him go. It's like letting your grandfather tell some rambling story about WWII, let him finish the story--interrupting him will only confuse and/or anger him."

Cubs score 3 in the 2nd after Soriano perfectly executes a bunt that moves Bradley to second. Fontenot/FontenYes! lines one to right, Board Game King scores. One man on, TL takes Russ Ortiz yard for a 2 run blast (to quote Ricky Bobby--"That.Just.Happened"). As TL circles the bases, Ted's trusty hawk - Fury -circles Ortiz, smelling dead meat. 3-1 Cubs.

Third Inning: Fury still circling, TL still dealing, Ortiz still working the rosary beads. Ted gets Quinatro looking. Then Ortiz's at bat oddly resembles Richie Tenenbaum's breakdown, removing socks and all. Ortiz is promptly pulled from the game and DFA'd. No damage done by either team. 3-1 Cubs after three.

Fourth Inning: Ted gives up a single to Kaz Matsui and somewhere Ed Wade smiles. TL K's Lee and induces the ever-so-rare TL double play. Kinda helps that Geoff Blum is so old that he needs to be helped out of the batters box by an usher ("ohhh, right this way, Mr. Blum, beautiful day for a ball game, isn't it?"). Cubs score one on a Jake Fox drag bunt Jake Taylor-Style and Fontenot triple. 4-1 after 4.

Fifth Inning: TL puts down 1-2-3... 4's Astros? Pence K's; Quintero K; Pinch hitter Jason Michael's K's but Koyle Hill drops third strike and lets it get by him. TL then K's Bourne and joins history. Still 4-1. WGN cameras again catch Ted talking to himself in the mirror but, wisely, Mirror Ted doesn't talk back.

Six and Seventh Innings: A blur of strikeouts, sheer power, and testosterone personified. Not entirely sure what happened really, TLFC basically blacked out for those 20 minutes.

And, then, in the bottom of the 7th, Ted signals to Lou to meet him on the pitcher's mound and proactively takes himself out of the game. Was it an injury? no. Was it b/c he wanted Gregg to get a little time in? noope. Was it b/c he wanted to get to the lockerroom early so he could upperdeck new Cub John Grabow's new locker? Possibly.

Fire it up, simulated TedHeads!

Ted Lilly Start #20 - Simulated Game Day Preview

What a night by Lil' Tedhead and suddenly Cy Young Junior, Randy Wells. We like Randy and we'd like to take him on as an official TLFC intern, but we can't. By TLFC rule, all interns must be sinister, and Randy's righty.
No disrespect to RW but we clearly have stock options in a national chain of Leftoriums and need to stick to our plan.

Despite Randy's non-offical TLFC status, we wondered if Ted himself had taken a liking to Wells.... who does this sound like:

"But I've been taught since I've been pitching that you can't let that relax you. You have to go out there like it's a 0-0 game no matter what the score is."

Tip of the cap Randy, keep listening to Papa Bear TL and get ready to take notes today during TL start #20, against the Astro's today at Wrigley Field.

Like any other TL start, we are all sorts of geared up. Scorecard? check. 32 oz. Sanka? check. Vat of Bud Extra's for 3rd inning on? double check.

While "officially" Kevin "No, I'm not a member of the famous wrestling clan" Hart gets the ball today, we're going to put on the TLFC Blinders and focus our energies on TL's simulated start.

Fire it up, simulated TedHeads...

Have You Played A Round Of Ted Lilly Operation?

TL doesn't look too pleased with this game....

Much like the corporate sell-outs at Parker Brothers who whore out their Monopoly brand with spin-offs ranging from Illiniopoly to Simpsonsopoly to Colonoscopy, the news of Ted Lilly's successful surgey inspired us to come up with a TL Version of the classic kids game, Operation.

But, instead of played out items like 'water on the knee' and 'funny bone', we decided to include actual items that were found in Ted during today's surgery on his knee:

• Marsellus Wallace's soul
• Pure, unfettered joy
• Mini-Ted who is also having surgery on his knee (did we just blow your mind? Thought so)
• An entire world solely comprised of characters from Fraggle Rock
• Atlantis
• Luke Wilson's Career
• The Colonel's secret recipe for KFC Fried Chicken

So, while the rest of Cubs Nation is likely focusing on last night's grand slammy walk off over the Astros, we're going to pour ourselves a tall glass of Ovaltine, go down to the TLFC Rec Room and get in some practice on TL Operation before TL's simulated start on Thursday.

Ted to have "Surgery," TLFC to seek "Therapy"

Sweet Jesus.

You'll have to excuse us TedHeads, we've needed some time to digest the most recent Ted Lilly news: a long DL stint for our hero. Our first reaction might have not been the best: we jumped in the TLFC camper and just drove. Lots of Dixie Chicks, lots of Metalica, lots of silence, lots of Cheetos, lots of lonely western roads...we just drove.

When we stopped, well, we drank. A. Lot. Our thoughts struggled to comprehend, "Ted feels no pain, his body made of iron, grit, sheer will, and metal, how could a mere mortal 'surgery' fix him," we said to ourselves, "TL needs no rest, his soul spans time and space, so why does his shoulder need 'rest.'" But, per usual, drinking didn't help (ed. note, drinking absolutely helps).

We got in the camper and went home. More Dixie chicks, more Cheetos, more tears. We pulled up the the TLFCHQ eagerly awaiting sleep on the cold floor of the TLFCHQ Bathroom and Steam Shower (TLFCHWBASS) - we don't deserve the comfort of our bed. But, what? Huzzah! The Cubs are in first place... what's happening here?

This is where you'd expect us to claim that Ted faked his injury to disguise himself as Alfonso Soriano or any number of suddenly hot Cubs hitters (ed note, that's exactly what's happening) but we're not going to do that.

What we are going to do is to announce something absolutely absurd: every fifth day we're going to simulate a Ted Lilly start and act like it actually happened. That's right we're going to simulate every Ted Lilly start and act like it actually happened. That's insane, we know it, and we've already made an appointment with our therapists.

How are going to do this? Well, the video game, "MLB: The Show" is the obvious choice, but we've got some other ideas. Heck, we might just make the whole thing up. It's our way of coping and you're just going to have to deal with it.

Ted's next turn is this Thursday. Fire it Up.

Horror of Horrors: Ted Lilly Scratched From Saturday Start, Likely Headed To DL

With Ted’s last less-than-Tedtastic-outing against the Phillies in the rear view mirror, we had planned to focus this blog on today’s start against the Reds and Johnny Cueto. Unfortunately, like some bad dream, we awoke to the late news that Ted has been scratched from his start due to a shoulder issue.

According to Cubs beat reporter Carrie “Scoop” Muskat, Ted was scratched “because of soreness in his left shoulder, and was to undergo an arthrogram Friday.” Initially, we thought that she made the word “arthogram” up and, according the rules of Scrabble, were going to lodge an official protest before the TLFC Super Computer spit out the Webster’s definition of “arthogram: a test using X-rays to obtain a series of pictures of a joint after a contrast material.”

Things got worse, when reading through the rest of the article and blog conversations on the topic, it seems that Ted is now likely headed to a very un-Tedtastic place: the Disabled List.

Former Special Forces officer/current Vietnamese wacko/friend of the blog Kurtz said it best about Ted going on the DL, "I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies."

Ummmm, sure Kurtz, maybe you should switch to Decaf Sanka? Just an idea...

Regardless, we're going to take the rest of the weekend off to contemplate what exactly Ted going on the DL means...is it the end of the world as we know it? is it Ted's way to let other Cubs step up to the plate and help carry this team? Is he tired from his perfect game yesterday? Is he trying to help Hendry showcase Kevin Hart in an effort to get Halladay?

Time will tell, TedHeads...we've got at least 15 long days to ponder this.

Ted Lilly's Perfect Game

The Tedinator

No disrespect to Mark Buehrle (ed note, major disrespect you poopy Cardinal Fan) but he couldn't have thrown yesterdays Perfecto on the South Side unless Ted Lilly had a day off. We've been over TL's Herculean off day schedule, but sources tell us TL was in close proximity to US Cellular Field Yesterday.... very close proximity. Let's look at the evidence:

• Mark Buehrle has been locked in the TLFC basement for the past two months. Sure, maybe kidnapping Buehrle to test the TFLC cloning maching (we've moved to human trials and Buehrle is a lefty) and replacing him with our Series 800 Cyborg (The Tedinator) was both aggressive and potentially illegal, but don't forget kids, once we get that cloning maching working, it's a whole new world.
• The Crime Rate within 2 square miles of 35th and Shields was nearly nil yesterday (Sox fans: nil means 'nothing' or 'zero'. On any normal day, the knocked over trash cans, bags of poop on fire, impromptu battles in a Thunderdome-style cage and umpires manhandled by fans turns the entire area into a Judeo Christian Fallujah. Yesterday, the oddly surreal calm allowed residents to take off their flack jackets for a few moments and hug their neighbors without the intention to shiv them. Scientists have proven that the scent of TL helps flowers grow, make ladies swoon and calm rabid tigers, could Ted have been near Bridgeport? Seems likely...
• For a few hours, the world did not have to focus on the yellow journalism of Kansas City Star/Sports Illustrated hack Joe Posnanski or New York Times scribe David Carr
• And, yes, despite a forecast of rain, doom and gloom, the sun came out for a few hours yesterday afternoon (and, not surprisingly, when Tedinator and TL left? more rain)

Now, we're not going to say that Ted somehow make himself look like Mark Buehrle and then decided to toss a perfect game for fun (Ted would never grow that "Third Eye Blind"-esque beard). That simply didn't happen. The perfect game was constructed by us, TLFC, by feeding data into the Tedinator so that we could profit absurdly from huge bets we made on various online sportsbooks.

What we're saying is that TL dressed himself up as DeWayne Wise so that he could play Centerfield for one day. Anyone see that catch? A man doesn't make that catch, but a Ted Lilly does. Moments before, we spilled some Sanka all over the Tedinator's controls which rendered that pitch to Kapler ineffective. Had TL not been out there, we'd owe some serious coin. Say it ain't so, TLFC. Sorry, kid, rumors are true--Ted Lilly is that good.

We've informed Buehrle of his Perfecto but couldn't hear his response because of the gag in his mouth. Nonetheless, congrats to Mark and all of the White Sox fans and thank's Ted for saving our collective butts.

Sports Illustrated’s Joe Posnanski Is A Poop Head And Hates Ted Lilly

We’ve said it before (link here) and, today, we scream it again: Joe Posnanski, baseball reporter for Sports Illustrated and Kansas City Star, is a poop head. Sure—there’s exactly the type of immature name-calling that we promised to stop as part of our New Year’s resolutions but, after reading Joe’s article on the top 100 players in baseball today, we had no choice but to resort to these childish tactics.

Best player in baseball? Albert Pujols—absolutely, couldn’t agree more. Guy's insane--maybe the best hitter since the other Ted (as in Williams) played for the Sawx

Top MLB young gun on the list? Hanley Ramirez at #3—100% agree. Fantasy gold.

But no Ted Lilly? Really? Are you f-ing serious Joe? This screams yellow journalism and clear Missouri-based jealousy of the Cubs. Sure, we might be biased a bit around the TLFC but we've never, ever offered up ridiculous/inane commentary* (editor's note: not true...at all).

Seriously, you can say it was a pity vote but TL was an NL All-Star this year AND a member of Team USA. Additionally, he is a filthy 5-1 at Wrigley this year with a home ERA of 1.86, which ranks among the NL leaders and, over his last 54 2/3 innings, Lilly has walked seven and struck out 49. On a Cubs team that stands only a few games out of first place (albeit in an under-performing NL Central), he is clearly the team ace (having pitched better than #92 Big Z).

In our old fan club age, we'll even grant that a few of the other pitchers on the list being ahead of TL. Greinke is nasty, Tim Linceum, while being a fakey TL, has good hair/solid curveball and King Felix is ridiculous at the ripe old age of 23.

But, seriously--you picked Wandy Rodriguez (#88--he has 28 wins over last 3 years. Ted? 41--do the math), Ryan Franklin (#73--before his big season this year, as a starter for the Mariners, Franklin had a record of 23-44. He tied for the Major League lead in home runs allowed in 2003, with 34--yeah--really good pick) and Jarrod Washburn (#99--last three years? 22 wins and 35 losses) over Ted?

TedHeads! We call on you to unite and send your hate mail to Joe at jposnanski@kcstar.com

Let him know that he's a knucklehead and that he needs to right this wrong and admit that Ted Lilly belongs on that list. It's the right thing to do...You know it, we know it and, if Joe took time away from his ridicuously vanilla blog (why don't you post pictures of your cats or trip to Door Country, Wisconsin too Joe?), he'd know it too.

Fire it up, TedHeads, let your voice be heard!

Game Recap: Inconsistency Thy Name Is Ted

Kid TLFC! Don't fly too close to the Sullivan!!

Lesson learned, Tedheads: don't go against your instincts. In a moment of weakness/euphoria from the sweep over the Nats, the Ted Lilly Fan Club let our proverbial fan club guard down and trusted Paul Sullivan and his 600 word ode to Ted (SHWOTT).

We thought to ourselves, "hey selves--we're riding pretty high right now. Ted's an All-Star, Cubs are a few games out, we were the only males who dressed up as Hermione Granger for the midnight showing of Harry Potter And the Half-Blood Price--life's pretty good... boy, could we go for a gyros right now"

But, clearly, we flew too close to the Sun and, like Icarus (Greek mythology, not the classic NES game although that was a pretty sweet game), we had to fall from grace.

The game result? Karma kicked us square in the junk in the form of a Ted Lilly loss in which the famed, All-Star lefty gave up a season high nine runs (seven earned) en route to a 10-1 Cubs loss.

We're not going to go all "My Name Is Earl" and try to right our collective wrongs in some misguided bid to appease karma (in addition to the obligatory mustache growing, flannel shirt collection and getting a fat sidekick named Randy). We're just going to take a step up onto the blog soap box, accept the blame here, apologize for our transgression and re-focus our attention on Rich Harden's start against Joe Blanton (whose MLB profile picture reminds us of some punk kid who hangs around the food court at shopping malls).

Ted Lilly Fan Club: Been Rationalizing Ted Lilly Losses Since 2004

Ted Lilly Start #19: Consistency Thy Name Is Ted

Normally, we do not play nice in the sandbox with Tribune beat reporter Paul Sullivan. He publishes dribble and enjoys getting uncomfortably close to Cubs players. We resort to childish virtual name-calling and questionable rumor/innuendo. It's what we do.

However, after reading Sullivan's TL blush piece from yesterday, we must begrudgingly offer a virtual tip of the TLFC hat for the article. Any friend of Ted is a friend of ours (kinda). To quote Wes Mantooth, "From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you."

A few prime selections from the article:

• Ted on the roller-coaster season and/or the elevator industry, "You're going to have some ups and downs -- hopefully it's not too far down and the ups are more consistent."


• Ted on what it must be like for some major leagues to deal with the stress of playing alongside Ted every 5th day, "There are some great players, as we see here, that are going through challenges. We watched [ Derrek] Lee go through a tough time and climb his way out of it, which has been awesome to see"


• Ted on playing Call of Duty: World At War with Sam Fuld who was recently optioned to Iowa, "The game is challenging and it's very difficult to be consistent" (TLFC tip: put the time in, earn the good sniper rifle and you'll be fine)

Today, Teddy Baseball gets the ball in the first game of a HUGE series against the defending World Series champs, the Philadelphia Phillies, led by friend-of-Jared Ryan Howard and pretty boy Chase Utley. While Ted's Saturday start was supposedly pushed back b/c of inflammation in his left knee, we all know that Sweet Lou wisely held him out so that we could lead with our best, left-handed, foot forward. And, in this case, TL stands for Tough Love.

Despite a lackluster Cubs offense, over his last 50+ innings, Lilly has been the model of consistency, walking seven and striking out 49. He now stands at 9-6 with a 3.18 ERA and averaging nearly 8 strikeouts per nine innings. All-Star worthy? Yep. Tedtastic? Absolutely.

Our prediction? 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7Ks, 3 BBs and 1-2 with a rocket single at Howard who is too busy hossing down a $5 foot-long italian BMT from Subway to notice.

Three Reasons Why We Love The B.J. Ryan Signing

As reported yesterday, the Cubs have signed former Toronto Blue Jays closer B.J. Ryan to a minor league contract. While BJ had a rough start to this season (6+ ERA), there's hope that he can regain the form that made him a fantasy gold RP for Baltimore and Toronto the past few years.

Now, a lot of pundits might be thinking that this signing is pointless and that the Cubs are simply adding a once-great/now-sucky veteran to the squad (was Kenny Powers not available?) when they should be focusing on more important things (e.g. Ted Lilly cloning machine and/or if Geo Soto/Milton Bradley could be the worst 1-2 fantasy baseball kick-in-the-junk this year).

However, we love the B.J. Ryan signing for three primary reasons:

1. Lefty From Toronto. Hmmmmmm, let's see, hmmmmm, when was the last time the Cubs signed a lefty pitcher from Toronto who went on to enormous success and became a cult hero among the Cub Nation faithful? Oh that's right...Ted BAMF Lilly. Might as well keep going to that well til it runs dry...Need we go on? Didn't think so.

2. Bullpen Help. Let's just cut to brass tacks, our bullpen needs help like TLFC needs to stop weirdly discussing Ted's abs and Ryan could be that guy. Hell, even last night, w/ a 6-1 lead over the Nats, the Goggled One still decided to give up a boomshot to Pride-of-UVa Ryan Zimmerman in the bottom of the 9th. Thankfully, it didn't hurt us but still--you can only dance w/ the devil a few times before he makes you his bitch (pretty sure that's from the Book of Deuteronomy or Apostle of Ted). If we can solve Ryan's problems, he'd a pro-rated salary gem.

3. "BJ" Jokes. Already excited about the reemergence of the Immaturity Scale at the TLFC (bolstered by ASG usage of the phrase "Pujols Ripped One"), we haven't been this pumped since we resigned Kerry Wood (Cubs Get Wood For One More Year!) and Dick Pole was our bench coach (too obvious to need to write out). It's perfect for all the Sigma Chi frat guys rocking visors and 1998 Barn Dance t-shirts who litter the bleachers in the summer giving out tickets to the gun show and asking lady TedHeads if they want to go to the pants party.

Post-ASG streak is at one game...don't forget, TedHeads, it's TedsDay Eve so keep firing it up til Santa Ted brings a no-hit shutout gift tomorrow.

Memo To Cubs Management: Get The Ball To Ted

Let's be honest: it still hurts that Ted was not given the chance to shine in Tuesday’s All-Star Game but, rest assured TedHeads, we've already contacted our Jamaican voodoo priestess/friend-of-the-blog Ismerelda to start putting together Charlie Manuel and Heath Bell voodoo dolls to right this wrong.

So, alongside a steady diet of Bud Extra/Sanka cocktails and Kix, we should be good to go there as we move into the second half. Of course, we’d be so lucky if the same could be said of our lovable, plodding Cubbies who today, start a must-win series against the Washington Nationals.

Having not slept since the ASG (36 hours and counting--Thank you trucker-friendly ephedrine!), we have been spending our time down in the TLFC Math Lab Slash Data Analysis Center Slash 'Fun Zone (TLFCMLSDACSFZ) trying to figure out the keys to success for the rest of the season. While the FC quickly split into two competing camps: classic Left-Brain vs. Right Brain stuff:

Left Brain (Genuine Baseball Analysis)

• Cubs Pitching: Outside of Ted (no need for explanation), our pitching has been about as erratic as John Travolta's movie career. For every "Pulp Fiction" success (see: Lilly, Ted), there is a "Battlefield Earth" (Dempster--big budget, little success), "Wild Hogs" (Harden--opponents BA? .271 w/ 16HR) or "Boy In the Bubble" (Marmol). This clearly needs to change if we have any chance to make a run at the playoffs.


• Hitting The Baseball. While our virtual Cubs offense in the video game, MLB '09 'the Show', has been ridiculous, same can't be said for the real-life version. Fuku "raising" his average to .251 after hitting sub-Mendoza in June won't cut it, A-Ram needs to round back into shape and the less said about the Board Game King the better. This team is too talented not to hit, we're confident this won't be a problem.
  
• More David Patton. David Patton needs to be involved in every part of this Cubs team. Hitting, Pitching, driving the team bus to Medieval Times. More. David. Patton.

Right Brain (Genuine TLFC Absurdity and Randomness)

• GTBTT. Get The Ball To Ted. This really isn't hard. Get the Ball To Ted, Rinse, Repeat. Maybe now the Tribune Company or Senor Ricketts will see fit to helping us get the yellowcake plutonium that we need for our Ted Lilly cloning machine. If no yellowcake plutonium, we'd accept a boxload of free TD Ameritrade mousepads/t-shirts.


• Corporal Punishment. While some question the Russian Army's tactics of shooting their own troops who tried to retreat in WW II, it paid off and their reward was a few decades of East Germany (complete w/ hopped-up Olympic athletes and one Ivan Drago). We need to consider recreating that "magic" to compel our team to perform better. Drastic times call for drastic measures, TedHeads


• Team building Excursion to Medieval Times. Nothing says,"bring this baseball team together," like scrafing down loads of meade and a chicken leg while cheering on the purple night in pursuit of his fair maiden. As mentioned before, David Patton will be the DD.

For today’s game, we welcome in TedHead extraordinaire Stephanie (Happy 25th Birthday Stephanie! Enjoy an extra smooth Bud Extra on us) for today’s guest prediction on Rich Harden’s start against the Nats: 6 IP, 3 ER, 7Ks, 2 walks, 1-2 at the plate and one foot forward in our quest for redemption.

No Ted Lilly At All-Star Game? Outrageous

Like any good fan club, we waited patiently for our turn last night to see our boy, Ted "Theodore Roosevelt" Lilly get the ball in All-Star Game. We know that the David Wright Fan Club probably had a grand ole time when their guy was voted a starter and, of course, the Jayson Werth Fan Club was probably just happy to be there but we settled into our couch earlier, poured a few cocktails and, like Armaggedon, awaited the coming of our demi-god TL.

But, like some misguided cult, that moment never came.

Charlie Manuel (Charlie F-ing Manuel!), in his infinite wisdom, decided that, in a bid to win their first All-Star game in 13 years, Heath Bell made more sense than a certain 5"10" lefty from Torrance, CA who simply knows how to win (think Granderson would have touched the Lillyhammer? Doubt it). End result, not surprisingly, was Bell giving up the eventual winning run and taking the loss for the NL.

Ted meanwhile languished on the bench, did ab work in between innings, taught Johan Santana how to throw a man's curve ball and had words with Tim Linecum about cutting his god-damn hippie hair.

Sigh.

At least, Frank Srgo, the maitre d' at Italian Village, recognizes Ted's unique greatness, describing TL as, "one of the most beautiful persons there is. Him and his wife both. Unbelievable."

Few Game Notes:

• So utterly ridiculous that the classy St. Louis fans booed Ted during introductions. Ted's response? Warm smile, quiet tip of the hat and a growing fire in his belly when the Cubs next play the Cards


• Tim Lincecum: Fakey TL (You've got to earn those initials, son)


• Lot of hoopla around the President being at the ASG--wonder if he was excited to meet Ted?


• More importantly, we are clearly not going to talk about the President's pitch and/or ChiSox jacket for fear of Secret Service visits to the FC lost or the IRS looking into our taxes (no need to jeporadize our 501(c)3 status)...


• ....but we will talk for a moment about how ridiculous Joe Buck looked asking, on live TV, if the President could stay and chat for another inning. Sure, Joe, while the economy is crumbling/potential nuclear war in North Korea/troops dying in Afghanistan, let's ask the President if he can stay and chat like a bunch of grandmothers sipping lemonade on a porch


• Curious as to which of the following ranks higher on the Immaturity Scale: "Pujols Ripped One" or "Mauer's Got a Great Stroke". We're going with "Pujols" by a nose...

It's all right, TedHeads--things are going to be ok. At least, we have this Chicago Tribune Photo Gallery on Ted to heal those wounds

Ted Lilly Experience Rolls Into St. Louis For All-Star Game Madness

TLFCSWMTLE aka 'Big Honkin' Ted' - Rolling Into Your Town

But, first, are you experienced, TedHeads? Have you ever been experienced? Well....we have.

As Fox readies coverage for the annual MLB All-Star Game and Paul Sullivan repeatedly asks to be strip-searched by the Secret Service (in town for President Obama's appearance in booth alongside Methuseleah and Lucky Sperm Joe), we simply couldn't be excited about tonight's game featuring a certain, 5"10" ball of All-Star fury named Ted.

Sure, we were disappointed that we were not able to secure corporate sponsorship to cover Ted at the game but, like Ted Lilly's train to Cy Young, we made the decision to push forward no matter what in order to reach our goal. Start with a few Sankas this morning, throw in a few uncomfortably early Bud Extras later today and let's let the games begin.

However, if you are lucky to attend the All Star Game, we have some suggested activities. As any loyal TedHead knows, nothing says "Family Fun All Star Weekend" like the Ted Lilly Fan Club Sixteen Wheeled Mobile Ted Lilly Experience (TLFCSWMTLE).

That's why, in addition to a concert by Sheryl "I wish I still dated Lance" Crow, the Stars of Tomorrow Future's Game (Vitters!) and the State Farm Home Run Derby (official property and casualty insurance provider of the Ted Lilly Fan Club--You're In Good Hands With Ted), MLB and TLFC are proud to roll in our "experience truck," nicknamed "Big Honkin' Ted", and open it's doors to Ted Heads everywhere for a little taste of that Torrance, CA greatness.

TLFCSWMTLE is a full, multi-media immersion experience. Visitors (aka known as 24hr TedHeads) are immediately transformed into an alternate universe so that, if only for a few moments, they can experience what it is like to face Ted Lilly. Exhibits include:

The Knee Quaker: A replica batter's box, just like at Wrigley, but with a twist: Facing down Ted Lilly, before he even pitches, the ground starts to move, shaking your knees like a real major leaguer! Then, a flash of laser light screams right by your face, rendering you confused and dazed - exactly if you witnessed a TL 4-seamed fastball (aka, the Tedfather.)

The Battering Ram: With the help of modern advances in engineering, visitors to TLFCSWMTLE can now experience the adrenaline rush of getting crushed by Ted Lilly. If the line to this exhibit is too long, feel free to ask STL catcher and fellow All Star, Yadier Molina, about his thoughts on Ted's soul-crushing, moral-destroying adrenaline rush.

The Weight of the World: All visitors are invited to strap themselves into the "Ted Rack" to feel the weight of the world's hopes and dreams along with the constant pressure of immortality. As an additional bonus, Adult visitors can don a patented lead vest (just like at the dentist) to feel the extra pressure and radiation-blocking intensity that Ted feels 24/7.

Finally, before leaving the exhibit and having to step back into the real world, all visitors are allowed to kiss the Plexiglas encased "Tedstone" - the stone Ted first stepped on when he discovered the New World. These experiences and more await!

Of course, we won't be there. We've sent Columbia College Intern Mitch to run the TLFCSWMTLE while we watch the game from the comfort of the TLFCHQ. Our All Star experience will be decidedly less family friendly; let's put it this way, if TL strikes out the side, the chances of us lighting our couch on fire and dragging it down Addison are 100%.

As for an All-Star game prediction, we've been waiting a few years for this moment so, f- it, no guest prediction, no convoluted forecast--this one is all TLFC. This is our time. Ted's ASG line:

1 IP, 2 Ks, no walks and a few assorted fist-pumps to David Wright, President Obama and himself.

Editor's note: TedHead extraordinaire and St. Louis-native KD might be able to help you if you get into trouble w/ St. Louis' finest and/or want to play a quick game of "Ted Lilly Jersey"-spotting (there's one...there's another one...). The best way to contact KD is to signal her.

TLFC Says, "Taste It! New York Times"

One of our favorite posts of all-TLFC-time was our Feb 13, 2008 take-down of New York Times Business / Entertainment "Journalist" David Carr. You can click through to see the whole thing, but basically, we were upset Carr said this:

"Every few years, the baseball owners announce that there's a new austerity in the air and that they won't overspend on players. But just before spring training starts, they get nervous and suddenly sign a pitcher like Ted Lilly - the baseball equivalent of an assistant gag writer on "Two and a Half Men" - gets something like 10 million."

Back then, we wrote an impassioned defense that basically tore Carr's article to shreds. Shockingly, we never heard anything. So today, we follow up:



----

July 13th, 2009

Dear Mr. Carr,

In our previous letter, dated 13 Feb 08, we took umbrage with the pathetic dribble you 'wrote' in an article entitled, 'Who Won The Writers Strike?' published on 12 Feb 08. We apologize for the emotional tone of that letter, the subject of Ted Lilly brings out the best, and worst, inside of us.

However, given recent events we would like to offer you a second chance to correct or redact your statements. Sir, Ted Lilly is an All-Star and All-Stars deserve respect.

It is clear to us that you continue to see an 'assistant gag writer on "Two and a Half Men"' as someone not at the top of their field. We again disagree with your assessment of Two And A Half Men; the show is hilarious (that Charlie Sheen! and that kid!) and your elitist East Coast Bias probably prevents your reading the Nielson's correctly. Seeing that there have been no Atlantic Monthly Articles telling you to think differently, we believe you still do not respect Ted Lilly

A reasonable person would realize that the worlds, "All Star" are deserving respect. Mr. Lilly was named to the team by his peers, meaning that professionals most able to assess the quality of his work believe he is in the top tier of their craft.

We would appreciate a correction or redaction at the earliest possible convenience.

Once again, if ignored, we will continue not to purchase your newspaper. In fact, we will call on the legions of TedHeads world-wide to only view your content via your free, online, web service. If that service is no longer free, we will happily switch to a 'newspaper' of similar stature namely, the New York Post.

Warmly,

Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC)

Day Of Days: What A Tedtastic Victory

Okay--so maybe it's the Iced Sankas that we started rocking in the 7th inning to offset the plentiful Bud Extras in innings 1-6 but our collective Fan Club heart is still racing after today's victory over the Red Birds.

True to his nature, Ted Lilly gave Cub Nation everything he had, putting the team on his back when they needed him most. Team sparkplug and master gumbo chef Ryan Theoriot summed it up best in his post-game interview, "Ted is a gamer and gives everything he has every time he takes the ball."

Ted's final All-Star caliber line? 8 innings pitched, 4 hits, 1 earned run, 4 strikeouts, and one balk. Just a little classic TL seasoning before he heads down I-55 to the All-Star Game.

Even more importantly, Ted improved to 9-6, including 6-1 at Wrigley this year w/ a sub 2 ERA as well as notching his 100th career victory. Virtual tip of the hat, Ted, on the 100th career victory but remember: act like you've been there before--when the TLFC posted our 100th blog, we simply looked ahead and started planning blog #101. It's how we were taught.

Few game notes:

• After the near-disaster in the 9th inning w/ Marmot, it's pretty clear that Sweet Lou should have left TL in to finish his complete game masterpiece/opus. While Ted's not one to hold grudges, we wonder if it's smart to piss off the best chance the Cubs have at the playoffs. That said, Goggles is starting to look fairly reliable in the closer's role.


• Not sure that it gets much worse than the NAMBLA-friendly man-love sessions in the 7th inning between Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. While our hatred for Buck has been well-noted, we can't believe that Fox continues to use them. We'd much prefer the Fox NFL Robot or a hopped-up-on-goofballs Rush Limbaugh to these two idiots.


• Speaking of McCarver, just us or does he look the walking dead? During said man-love session in the broadcast booth, there were far too many close-ups of him which made us wonder aloud if we should pick him or Pat Summeral in the next TLFC Death Pool


• Balk call in 4th was ridiculous. You miss with Ted once, shame on you. You miss with Ted twice, shame on you...and so on and so forth.


• Not sure if STL man-boy SP Brad Thompson would be more at home on the pitcher's mound or at a Jonas Bros. concert (sorry, Brad--Kevin Jonas is taken)


• Quick entertainment update: Between Sir Elton and the former Mr. Christie Brinkley performing at Wrigley next week and Eddie Money playing at the Cubby Bear, we're not sure if there has ever been a greater consolidation of musical talent w/in a two-block radius in the history of the world.

Ted Lilly Fan Club makes the trip to Wrigley tomorrow to bask in the warmth of Post-TL Victory sunshine for the 1st game of the double-header against STL.

Keep firing it up, TedHeads, .500 baseball never tasted so sweet.

Ted Lilly Start #18: Revenge Of The Fallen

While we'd never go so far as to call Ted "Optimus Prime" (we'll settle for 'demi-god', 'BAMF' or just simply "Teddy Baseball"), the latest Transformers movie seemed to be a perfect fit for today's Ted Lilly start preview as, today, Ted will lead the Cubs to victory and seek revenge for his fallen teammates (looking squarely in your direction, Rich Harden!).

Let's just cut to brass tacks, TedHeads--we need this, you need this, Cub Nation needs this.

At a darkest moment, we need a certain 5'10" lefty from Torrance, CA (home of the all-new, sleek, powerful yet, luxurious, Acura TL) to lift us up, take us on his sculpted back and lead us to the promised land where all of heaven's angels will sing the "Go Ted Go" victory chant.

In his last tilt, Ted notched his 13th quality start, holding the Brewers to two runs on nine hits over 6 1/3 innings, while striking out nine. Always receptive to home field fan (let him hear it, TedHeads!), Ted now stands at 5-1 at Wrigley with a sub 2.00 ERA. However, (Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!), like the Transformers losing the All-Spark, Ted lost to the Cardinals on May 19, giving up three runs on four hits over seven innings.

And, of course, we all remember Ted's famous soul-crushing, bone-breaking, moral-destroying death blow on Yadier Molina (see above) except for maybe MADD Poster Child Tony LaRussa who, post that blow, said about Ted, "I'll let the other team talk about him," La Russa fumed afterward. "I have no comment about him."

Turn your back on Ted? Ignore his face-melting Lillyhammer? Are you kidding LaRussa? That's maybe the dumbest decision you made since throwing back a few Zimas before driving home to play with your multitude of animal friends.

Anyway, disparaging truths about the STL manager aside, with more than a few Sankas flowing through our collective fan club body, we know that today, this 11th day of July, shall be our Tedenpendence Day.

With that, we welcome in Bill Pullman for today's guest prediction, said in his signature gravely voice: 6.2 IP, 7 Ks, 2 BB, 1 HR (standard), 1-2 at the plate and one unifying speech from Ted that will unite the Cubs clubhouse and/or Planet Earth in a battle against space aliens.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Gives Honda Motors, Makers of Acura TL, A Second Chance...

... to connect with the only demographic willing to purchase and repurchase a car, every. damn. year. Those consumers? TedHeads. The Car? A Torrance, CA built, affordable workhorse, the Acura TL.

A few weeks back, we began a vendetta against Honda Motors for not giving credit-where-credit-was due. Namely, not admitting that their inspiration, ne reason d'etre, was our own 5'10" hero, Ted "Friend of Animals/Built in 300-Horsepower Engine, National League All-Star, and Bad Ass Mother F*~cker" Lilly.

Part of our diatribe was an email to Mr. Steven Center, Vice President of Advertising and Public Relations at American Honda Motor Co (parent of Acura). Shockingly, we heard nothing in response. Not being afraid to admit when we're wrong (and looking for handouts), we write again.

Mr. Steven Center (and / or Mr. Center's personal assistant),
VP Advertising and Public Relations
Honda Motor Company
TedHead Emeritus (possibly)

Dear Sir,

Despite immortality, the inability to feel pain, and ability to speak to animals, Ted Lilly does sometimes make mistakes. Whether these mistakes are hanging curve balls or destroying door fixtures with accidental use of his superhuman strength, Ted always gets back out there and makes things right. Our motto, as the Ted Lilly Fan Club, is to live like Ted. As such, our letter from 7 July 2009 was a mistake and we apologize profusely.

We would like to offer our services to bury the hatchet like a Ted Lilly curve buries his opponents. Our offer is this:

We will attend the upcoming All Star Game in St. Louis and "blog" about our experiences, featuring the stellar performance of one Ted Lilly along with the sleek, power, and drivability of the Acura TL.

We will rent or precure (by other, possibly illegal, means) an Acura TL and drive to and from said event.

As you well know, the future of new media is in the world of social networking, blogs, and these twitter thingy's. We can provide access to that world and, along with it, access to the free spending and ridiculously well paid world of TedHeads... worldwide.

Our internal TLFC research has shown that TedHeads have 82% more disposable income than non-TedHeads and that we are 75% more likely to be swayed by automakers who court us directly. Numbers clearly don't lie, sir--you'd be doing your shareholders a diservice by NOT hiring us.

Please let us know if you would like us to represent your brand in this manner and likewise we can decide if we'd like you to represent our brand--very much a symbiotic relationship.

We can be reached at tedlillyrules@gmail.com.

Warmly,
TLFC

That's about it, Tedheads. We admit when we're wrong. Now, Steven Center-it's your turn.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Open Letter: “Will Someone Please Send Us To St. Louis To Cover Ted Lilly At The All-Star Game?”

Dear Chicago Tribune/Red Eye/Chicago Sun-Times/Sporting News/ESPN Chicago/Chicagoist/Crain's Chicago Business,

Now that the initial euphoria of Ted being named an National League All-Star has subsided a little bit (editor’s note: euphoria has not at all subsided), we come to you, oh great media outlets in hopes that, in your infinite wisdom, you will take us on as a guest columnist to cover Ted Lilly’s trip down to St. Louis for the upcoming MLB All-Star Game on July 14th.

Truthfully, as loyal Cubs fans, we would never willfully ask to be sent to St. Louis for a few days but this is one of those once-in-a-lifetime situations and we need your help.

Of course, this is a clear win-win. Would you send a finance reporter to cover a local murder trial? Or hire a tech columnist to talk about environmental issues?

Of course not—that’d just be plain silly. So, why send a non-Ted Lilly fan to cover Ted Lilly? Alright, we understand, everyone is a fan of TL, but what other Ted Lilly fans have written nearly 450 posts over three glorious years of worship?

Agreed--- this is probably a really really bad idea but we can help shoulder some of your burden in these tight economic times. Here’s what we’re willing to offer in exchange for press credentials and some nominal expenses (ie rent-a-car, one (1) bag of Cheetos, and one (1) Travis Tritt cassette tape:

• Unbiased coverage of All-Star Game festivities


• Biased fawning/editorial coverage of ATT (All Things Ted) including subtle nose-thumbing at the city of St. Louis and their less-than-Cub-friendly fans


• Hard-hitting locker room interviews w/ whoever we can cajole into speaking with us


• Use of big-time, English major words like ‘cajole’


• Ability to say that your outlet is "hip" and "with it" through the use of blogging and Twitter (both of which the TLFC will use to its fullest extent)

Look. You need blanket coverage of All-Star Weekend - It's a hip, fun, weekend that all those primo ad targets want to read about. Jimmy Greenfield isn't going to heave his way through the All- Star 5k Fun Run. No one wants to watch Gordon Wittenmyer sway to Leaving Las Vegas under the Arch. You need us on that Wall!

We were serious last year when we invited Ted to the Super Bowl and we’re very very serious now. Since we’re a democratic fan club, we’ll stick to the first come, first serve rule.

Yours In NL All-Star Ted (YINLAST),
TLFC

Ted Lilly Chosen As All-Star, Ted Lilly Fan Club Asks, “Is This Heaven?”

While we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC) already knew that Ted was going to be named an National League All-Star (by virtue of a quick trip to the future in the TLFC Delorean that we bought at a Christopher Lloyd garage sale), we didn't want to ruin the surprise for the growing legion of TedHeads across the country (would be akin to telling little TedHeads that the Easter Bunny or Santa Ted isn't real--just not right).

Ted joins other fantasy gold pitchers on the senior circuit's roster including Johan Santana and Tim Lincecum. Even better, Ted was picked for the squad over Brewers "staff ace" Yovani Gollardo (suck it Chicago Jr. and double suck it Bleacher Report).

Let's start with Ted, "I'm excited, looking forward to it. I hope I get an opportunity to pitch in it. That would be fun. It's a great honor for me and I'm very excited to represent our club," he said. "But, obviously, the whole goal for us is getting into October"

Little does Ted know that the TLFC has already done the dirty work (again--Delorean) and, 93% of TedHeads agree, Ted should pitch all nine innings in St. Louis.

Let's continue with the TLFC, "Ridiculous. Is this heaven? This is probably the best gift that the city of St. Louis has ever received since they got the Arch and indoor-plumbing. You can thank us later."

We're still checking but we've gotten a few emails into the TLFC mainframe (nicknamed "Big Ted") that are telling us that a) Chicago Tribune scribe/all-around locker room creep Paul Sullivan tried to stuff the ballot boxes in Ted's favor (despite the fact that pitchers are not on the ballot), NL/Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel is scouting Lilly for the eventual NLCS Game 7 and that Ted himself was inspired by Ted Lilly t-shirt day on Sunday (final bottom line? 7 ks, 0 walks and a few runs en route to win #8).

More to come Ted Heads as the MLB All-Star game nears but, as start, we're going to guarantee you a) in-depth coverage of the game (feels like a whiskey-fueled live blog) b) creepy Craig's List-esque "Casual Encounters" photos of TLFC members in TL All-Star shirts (faces blurred) and a special, once-in a life, guest prediction.

Happy 233rd Birthday America. Now, Where Do We Put All These Candles?

Well, TedHeads---we're a few minutes away from packing up the TLFC Family Truckster w/ orange slices/extra Sanka and taking the whole FC up to Wisco for a few days of rest, relaxation and quiet snobbery over our rube cousins to the north (we might also "upper deck" every toilet we find in the cheese state).

The TLFC Super Computer is already pre-lubed w/ zinc oxide, we have the officially-branded TLFC bean-bag game ready to go and Ted Lilly's hawk, Fury, is excited to spend a few days outdoors with his former co-workers.

However, before we shut down the TLFC Main Frame (nicknamed Big Ted) and put the Door Club on the FC entryways, we did want to take a moment to wish America a happy and healthy 233rd birthday. We were going to bake America a cake but it's bathing suit season and all that flour and sugar would just go to its thighs--tsk tsk tsk.

While most of us will never experience a 233rd birthday (except for Ted given that he's immortal), we think that America looks pretty good for its age (except for the whole "sitting on the brink of war w/ North Korea and Iran AND obsession with Jon & Kate + Eight" thing).

Enjoy the holiday and feel free to not blow your TedHead hands off with illegal fireworks from Indiana (we usually give black cats to the summer campers at TL's Summer Camp For Kids Who Can't Read Good and that traditionally goes over well).

As for predictions, we think that the Cubs will take 3/4 from the Brewers and that the rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air will give proof through the night that our flag is still there.

Fire it up Patriotic TedHeads!