Milton Bradley Claims Racism; Ted Lilly Fan Club Points Finger Right Back At Milton Bradley And His Family Of Board Games

While the Cubs did win on Wednesday evening with a 9-4 victory over the worst team in the National League (woo hoo! Break em up! Break em up!), things got a little serious with accusations from Cubs OF Milton Bradley that some Cubs fans have made racial taunts to him this season at Wrigley.

Said Bradley, “I'm talking about hatred, period..I'm talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant, I have to listen to the waiters bad-mouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant, that's what I'm talking about -- everything… All I'm saying is I just pray the game is nine innings, so I can be out there the least amount of time as possible and go home."

Clearly, there is no place for racism in Cubbieland and, according to Wrigley Field management, there have no reports of any racial abuse toward Bradley at Wrigley Field (official policy is to eject any fan who makes an inappropriate remark to a player and/or drops a beer on Victorino).

Unfortunately, the TLFC sees this as a clear example of the pot calling the kettle black (or is it more PC to say ‘pot calling the kettle African-American?') as there are more than a few Milton Bradley board games that are questionable from a political correctness standpoint.

A few examples:

• Mall Madness: Clearly, the marketing and game format of Mall Madness targeted tween girls and the object of the game is to be the first player to purchase six items on the player's shopping list with their credit cards and get back to the parking lot. Really? First off, is MB assuming that tween girls wouldn't/couldn't play Monopoly? or that the wouldn't appreciate the high-stakes world of board game real estate/finance? Plus--what kind of message is it sending to be rewarded by using credit? Taking a quick look at the recent financial crisis, the use and abuse of credit is part of the reason we're in this mess. It all starts with a few "innocent" rounds of Mall Madness, followed by an actual trip to the local shopping center and, next thing you know, a generation of females are knocked out, living in sub-standard housing and watched "Deal of No Deal" during the daytime--we've seen it a million times and, to be honest, it's just sad.


• Battleship: While we respect and honor the service of everyone serving in the Armed Forces, it is a little unfair to only be spotlighting one of the branches. If I was a Soldier, Airman or Marine, we'd be pretty upset at MB and their clear snub of our service. So, not only does MB proactively endorse reckless spending, they also seem to only respect 25% of today's military


• Barrel of Monkeys: Our lawyers have advised us not to really dealve into any details here for fear of an Al Sharpton-lead boycott of the TLFC but we think it's pretty clear that this game is borderline offensive


• Mousetrap: Where's the letters of outrage from PETA? Why isn't some hippie celebrity doing a commercial for the World Wildlife Fund about this game (paging Noah Wyle)? The goal of this game is to trap a defenseless mouse by enticing him w/ cheese. What did this mouse ever do? From our perspective, when we think of mice, we think of superheros (Mighty Mouse), a wandering nomad (Fivel), a prankster (Jerry of "Tom and Jerry" fame) and a certain mascot for a multi-national corporation based in California


• Scotland Yard: While this game is clearly targeting an older board game demographic, we think it's incredibly insulting that, despite being called 'Scotland Yard', it takes places in the streets of London. We asked TLFC friend and native Scot, Lord DJ for his opinion. Unfortunately, we couldn't understand his brogue (sounds like someone clearing their throat during flu season) but assume from his facial expressions that he was less than happy.

Remember, Milton, every time you point your finger at someone, there are four fingers pointing right back at you and we've only skimmed the surface here but, in a quick review, you have insulted women, the military, Scots, mice and an entire barrel of monkeys. Tsk tsk tsk says the TLFC

(editor's note: picture above is from Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

Kevin Gregg Is The 6'6" Embodiment Of Being Kicked In the Junk

So, yesterday, we opined on how Kevin Gregg was simply fulfilling his destiny as a C-Tier closer when he blew the game (again) and was ultimately removed from his role in lieu of the Marmot.

It's not that we're necessarily defending him--we just feel that it's more akin to destiny of which the Goggled One has no control of. However, after the prozac wore off, we decided that it'd be in our best interest if we tried to describe the pain we feel over the Cubs bullpen.

Our response? Some of the best videos of people being kicked in the junk:

1. Video Of Kicked In The Nuts World Record Holder: www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9bV_v9b8go

2. Video Of A Suprise Kick In The Nuts: http://www.myxer.com/video:902243/

3. A Dedicated Section Of Nuts Being Kicked On The Beer Blog: http://www.pongalong.com/Beerblog/index.php/the-top-5-hardest-kicked-in-the-nuts-videos-youtube-friday-five/

4. This Guy Lost A Bet. His Punishment? Getting Kicked In Nuts: http://www.lightupload.com/video/other/1930/Kicked-In-The-Nuts-For-Losing-A-Bet.html

5. Girl Kicking A Guy In Nust Repeatedly: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/JQ1wn1Vn.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.yourdailymedia.com/post/1145875817/Kicked_In_Nuts_By_Chicks&usg=__F40K_jh_hudfItbOrRzn6z2ojGc=&h=165&w=220&sz=5&hl=en&start=9&um=1&tbnid=vHLgafF6GkS2JM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=107&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dkicked%2Bin%2Bthe%2Bnuts%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4GGLL_enUS330%26um%3D1

Carlos Marmol and Angel Guzman? Assume the position...

Tedheads, We Have Forsaken You

Yesterday? Was that Monday? What do you mean it's Wednesday? What happened to Tuesday? This is not my office...and who are all you people?

Last thing we remember is Kevin Gregg getting the ball in the ninth. By that point, we'd consumed a fair amount of Sanka, Coffee, Bud Extra, and an entire "It's Tedsday" custom cake we ordered from Jewel (truth be told it was actually a "Happy Barmitzvah Sam!" cake that was on clearance for $5--we're clearly in a self-loathing period).

We woke this AM, with a bunch of holes in the wall, new "Angel Guzman" tattoos and bruises in the groin-al region that look self inflicted.

Yes, being a closer is a thankless job but it's you also get paid millions for pitching one inning (TLFC wonders aloud why closers are deemed 'cool' while NFL kickers are deemed 'dorks'?). In our mind, there are three categories of closers. In order of awesomeness, they go:

1) Mariano Rivera
2) Automatic: think Gagne and Hoffman in their prime
3) Everyone Else: hodgepodge of flash-in-the-pan periods ranging from half a season (Aardvark in Seattle) to a couple years of awesomeness (think Valverde).

Our argument in a nut-shell is that being a closer, except a rare few, is a no-win proposition. When you blow saves, you become a public pariah and need to put a couch in front of your door to keep irate drunk fans away; when you close games, you're just doing your job.

We think we have three years and over four hundred reasons to be the most upset Cubs fans from Tuesday, but we're not and we're sorry to disappoint but, in many ways, Kevin Gregg simply fulfilled his destiny in following the path that was laid by Johnny Drama Dempster from a few years back and Mexican League Joe. It's not his fault...really, it's fate.

Ted Lilly Post-DL Start #1: Case Of The TedsDays

Clearly, with Ted Lilly on the DL since the end of July, these past few weeks have been a struggle for us around the TLFC HQ. We sought answers and refuge in a variety of places:

First, we were unfortunately inspired by Nic Cage and spent a forgettable weekend in Las Vegas getting boozed up with Elizabeth Shue in an attempt to forget about Ted's stint on the DL (editor's note: truthfully, we weren't with Elizabeth Shue but we were able to hang out with her brother Andrew of "Melrose Place" fame--make no mistake--we're near 100% certain that he has a weird, Greek tragedy-esque thing for his sister)

Next, we tried to get pumped up over the fact that we were playing the Pittsburgh Pirates this past weekend. Sure, it's always fun to get a few easy wins over a Triple-A team but can you really get excited over beating Charlie Morton and Zach Duke--two pitchers who are free agents in around 95% of fantasy baseball leagues??? Plus, we are still a few games out of both the NL Central and Wild-Card Race...Of course, could be worse, we could be Andrew Shue (see above)

Then, we decided to vent our anger by attending our local representatives Health Care Town Hall to protest that lack of adequate health care for TL - let's be honest Tedheads, if we can put someone on the moon, we should be able to create miniature machines to enter Ted's body and fix what troubles him in a maximum 48 hrs. Turns out a lot of people agree with us.

Finally, in a moment of weakness, we took down the framed Footsteps poem that we keep in an air-tight, vacuum-sealed, security protected chamber (think Ocean's 11 vault without the ensemble casting, techno theme music and witty banter - but with Casey Affleck who we kidnaped months ago to help us test the TLFCCM) and realized that this was our answer.

Quick verse from the Book of Ted, chapter 8, verse 17:
"And, thou yea shall tremble and falter in thee journey to the ivy-covered paradise, take comfort TedHead in knowing that, during this period of turmoil and ebony-filled dawns, one only needs to see the effortless flight of a Ted Lilly orb to understand the true comfort and power of a Ted Lilly start."

And, today, TedHeads, we can fully understand that comfort that was spoken about a millenia ago as Ted Lilly gets the ball today against the Padres in his first start since July 20th.

Our prediction? 6 IP, 6 Ks, 2 BB, 1 ER and a pleasant always-70-degrees-and-sunny experience in San Diego (aka Whale's Vagina).

Dawn. It's Tedsday.

Found that you didn't need that latte this morning?
Odd that the birds are chirping 'The Messiah' and a squirrel delivered you breakfast in bed?
Strange that everyone said 'Hello' to you on the way to work?
Startled that the smell of New Beginnings is in the air?

It's a glorious Tedsday - TL's first start back from the Heart of DL Darkness.
Worry not, TLFC's got it covered.

Who’s The Biggest Dbag: Steve Bartman, Johnny Macchione (aka Beer-Throwing Guy) or Bronson Arroyo?

For varying reasons, the argument of “who’s the biggest dbag?” has again risen to the forefront of discussion around the TLFC water cooler. First, given our post from last year and today’s remarks that he willfully uses non-sanctioned supplements procured by paging a guy named "Ed", Bronson Arroyo has to be a part of this discussion. Second, after the recent announcement of an ESPN documentary on his “plight”, Steve Bartman could himself be considered option (hint, we vehemently disagree with the assessment) but instead we'll lump everyone still talking about this into one Blamers category. And, of course, thirdly, we’d be remiss if we didn’t join the legion of Cubs fans who are irate at Johnny Macchione--also known as the guy who threw beer on Shane Victorino during Wednesday night’s Cubs loss. Police want to prosecute him, we're just happy that we finally know what name to possibly etch into his King D-Bag trophy.

Steve Bartman Blamers
Case For: October 14, 2003.

Case Against: Who's to say that Moises Alou would have even caught that ball w/ his urine-soaked hands? This is a classic scape goat, a sin eater, who's life has been disturbed by half wit morons who know little about baseball and less about what it's like to be a fan. Steve Bartman was at a game - by himself - probably because he tried like heck to get that seat. Can you imagine how stoked he was to score a front row left field seat for the game that the Cubs were going to the World Series for? Instead he gets a lifetime of seculusion and having to watch replays of himself at 2AM on ESPN Classics Top 10 Fan Blunders. To quote a classic Western movie (or was it that Streetwise vendor outside of TLFC loft who rocks a Vietnam-era army jacket?), we should let sleeping dogs lie.

Johnny Macchione (Beer-Throwing Guy)
Case For: First off, he sold out his buddy and fellow-fan after throwing the beer--probably only one step higher than sleeping with your buddy's ex-girlfriend/sister. Second, look at him: cheese-dick glasses, wife-beater t-shirt and Cubs hat that he bought before the game.

Case Against: With news that the Cubs, Phillies and Chicago's finest are pursuing him, we have a sense that Johnny will get what's coming to him (= lifetime ban from Wrigley and a few dates w/ Illinois Correctional Inmate #553798). Plus--it would have been worse if it had been a mai tai

Bronson Arroyo
Case For: While we've already covered this ground before, some reasons bear repeating: 1) his album: Covering the Bases. 2) He admittedly to taking non-approved supplements and 3) he has girl's hair.

Case Against: He did plunk A-Rod in 2003 which was nice....and, supposedly, cleans up at college parties which we can't blame a guy for...plus his unofficial nickname he shares with our TLFC GoldFish, "Bongwater."

Verdict
But, no matter who wins this d-bag off, the world loses. At no point in these rambling, incoherent actions of these three were they even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought or non d-bag appropriate actions. Everyone on this blog is now dumber for having debated this issue. TLFC believes that you are all d-bags and may God have mercy on your soul.

Ted Lilly’s Rehab Start? In One Word: Ridiculousawesometedtasticnicity

[Editor's Note: This picture on the right has been provided to us by TedHead JDuke who attended last night's Chiefs game. In his words, "I believe that ray of (t)light was actually coming from Ted towards the sun...not the sun towards Ted." He's right--physics make sense]

While the death rattle began to shake a little bit at Wrigley last night in the form of Old Man River Pedro and the Phillies romping 12-5, a few 5'10" rays of sunshine were felt down south in Peoria as Ted Lilly excelled in his first rehab start.

While TL facing Single-A batters is about as fair as Kevin "don't call me Ren" Bacon getting swindled by Madoff, Ted excelled going 5.0 IP with 2H, 0R, 1BB (=souvenir for a yong Burlington Bees batter), 2K and threw 45/58 strikes.

Said Ted, "Everything felt good...I was glad I was able to do this as opposed to a simulated game. I'm glad I was given the chance to play with these guys. You can feed off their energy. It was definitely motivating."

Said TLFC, "Ridiculousawesometedtasticnicity"

Always the perfectionist/demi-god, Ted continued, "It definitely could have been a lot better," [of his command within the strike zone]...I would have liked to locate my fastball better on the inside corner."

Of course, Ted put the icing on the cake in his final pitch with a classic Lillyhammer curve to strike out Yeldrys Molina. Granted, he's not related to TL Whipping Boy Yadier but it still feels pretty nice to take down a Molina. Suck it St. Louis!

TedHead Ryen summed it up best, "Once TL is back on Monday, get ready for a Truly Important Ted Lilly Moment (TITLM)." Couldn't agree more...

Heckler Throws Down Gauntlet, Ted Lilly Fan Club Answers With Vigor

Around the TLFC, there are very few taboos when it comes to humor. Make a joke about homeless people? Done--we'll laugh. Crack on an old lady if she falls down in the street? Absolutely--serves her right. Spend thirty solid minutes crafting Michael Jackson jokes when it was announced he was in a coma? Of course--we wanted to be the first one on that trolley.

But--the one thing that we simply will not tolerate is cracking on Ted Lilly and/or his family.

Unfortunately, the not-so-good folks at the Heckler decided to take a satirical shot across the bow of Ted in their August issue w/ the headline, "Ted Lilly All-Star jersey unpurchased by anyone other than pitcher's family.

Clearly, we don't have the audience numbers that the Heckler does (we like to consider ourselves the "lil blog that could") but then, again, we also don't feel the need to whore ourselves and sell Heckler t-shirts, mouse pads, condoms and enema kits. Agree to disagree? Indeed...

So--is this a blog fight? is it a clever off? East Coast/West Coast rap battle? We're not entirely sure but we're sure that the Heckler has better things to do than sprinkle funny on Ted and his NL All-Star game appearance (maybe a uber witty bar review fellas? maybe get sponsored by a Northside methadone clinic?).

Let's collectively make fun of funnier things like sick babies, nuclear fallout or three-legged dogs and stay away from Ted. After all--you can't spell The Heckler w/out "TL".

--

We'd also be remiss not to warn the residents of Greater Peoria not to worry if some of the normal aspects of their day seem, well, a bit off this afternoon. Strange circumstances like toilets flushing the wrong way, animals flocking towards O'Brien Field, and blooming flowers should be taken with a grain of salt. TL's "rehab" ing tonight with your Peoria Chiefs. If you're having medical aliments, you might want to head down to see Ted. Just the mere visual of TL is known to have potent healing powers comparable to Lourdes.

As Ted Lilly Readies His Return From DL, TLFC Awaits The Coming Of His Greatness

Yep. We acknowledge our deficiency. We've been depriving our loyal five fans (hellloooooo Illinois Correctional Inmate #565391) of your thrice weekly cornucopia of Ted Lilly news mashed with pop culture references and obsessive material that comes close to justifying legal restraining procedures.

That's our bad and we acknowledge that. But we're not without excuses:

• Our TLFCHQ House Dog, Ted, Ate Our Posts (again--we know that even our dog's name isn't clever but what are you going to do?)

• We needed time to focus on the TLFC Cloning Device.We're this close to kicking out an army of TL warriors. End result will be something akin to Cobra's army of B.A.T.S. (Batte Android Troopers silly)--just less evil and not so cartoony

• Our parents don't love us and forgot we existed so didn't drive us to the TLFCHQ this AM, so we had to walk. (note, this excuse really works, especially if it's true...and sad.)

But there's reason to be excited. The Sleuths at Cubs.com report TL as saying:

"It went good. No pain, I kind of figure as far as health, I'm in good shape. Now it's just a matter of getting back into baseball shape, getting my arm and legs back in shape good enough to pitch in a Major League game." (TRANSLATION: Ted has been playing coy thus far--we all know that he doesn't feel mortal pain--and has been trying to let Cub Young Guns get a little big league experience. Sadly, recent road trip in Denver spotslight need to GTBTT)

A quick virtual aside and head slap to the crack MLB reporting staff: 'No pain'? 'I'm in good shape'? Next time you interview TL and ask him a question regarding is physical status, Mr. Perskin, please consider asking us first. Here's how that would have gone.

Owen Perskin: So, TLFC, how do you think Ted Lilly is feeling?
TLFC: Ted Lilly feels no pain and is in Good Shape. By "Good Shape" we mean: Ted Lilly is a physical specimen that can not be compared to other humans.

Pretty similar answers and you don't end up wasting time that Ted could spend saving kittens from burning trees. More importantly, where the f- is Carrie Muskat? We hope, nay pray that she wouldn't waste TL's time w/ such inane foolery. MLB needs to send Scoop Perskin back to Journalism School.

Anyway, our Sanka-infused high is starting to wear off so we need to head back down to the TLFC commissary to re-fuel but the important thing to remember is that the rosy fingered dawn of Ted is beginning to lighten up our horrible national DL nightmare.

Ted Lilly is close. As such, we are also growing stronger. Soon, like Ted, we will return to our absurd form to brighten your Tedhead worlds.

Tale Of The Tape: Simpson's Gabbo Vs. Cubs' John Grabow

Been a struggle around the FC the past few days as we've debated, fought (slap fight but still), re-debated and hugged it out over this Tale of the Tape:

Gabbo, the short-lived, though enormously successful, kids puppet in Springfield as seen in the episode, "Krusty Gets Cancelled"

vs.

John Grabow, the recently acquired lefty from Arcadia, CA

Claim To Fame: Gabbo appeared in a few episodes and had a quick cameo in the Simpsons movie. Grabow, along with Sandy Koufax, Shawn Green, Ryan Braun and a few others, is a Jewish-American sports star (Enter "Airplane" quote here: ____). Advantage? Gabbo. While heritage is important, the Simpsons movie did make over a half-billion dollars

Management: Gabbo was controlled by Arthur Crandall in the Simpsons whereas, if he's smart, Grabow will plead, pray and bribe Ted Lilly to take control of his pitching destiny. Advantage? Grabow/Lilly

Arch-Nemesis: Gabbo faces off against Krusty the Clown, forcing the lovable clown into a temporary cancellation. Grabow, on the other hand, clearly hates (or should) Prince Fielder (who's batting .543 against him), Bobby Abreu (who's batting .714) and Ichiro (who's batting a clean 1.000). Advantage? Grabow.

Thorn In Side: For Gabbo, he had to deal w/ that little prankster Bart Simpson (who caught Gabbo bad-mouthing the kids of Springfield) while Grabow has to deal w/ the entire city of Pittsburgh, a declining economy and potentially sex-offender QB. Advantage? Grabow--easy.

And, so, there you have it--when you look at the numbers (editor's note: no statistical analysis was used except in counting collective number of beers we drank as we wrote this post), it's easy that, in the Gabbo vs. Grabow grudge match, Grabow clearly wins.

Post-script: we recently googled "gabbo grabow" and admit that we're not the first to make this clear connection (virtual tip of hat to TCR)--we're just the first ted lilly fanatics to do so and that's fine by us.

Reason #4 Why We Love Tom Gorzelanny: He Knows His Place

Reason #1 why we love Tom Gorzelanny came in the form of a 7.1 IP, 3 hit and six strikeout gem on Tuesday night against the Reds. As a bonus, TG added in an RBI in the 6th for a little icing on top of the cake.

Reason #2 is that Tom hails from Evergreen Park which is about as blue-collar as Torrance, CA. While we're going to overlook that the Unabomber is from there, other notables include Wayne Huizenga (CEO of Blockbuster), Jenny McCarthy (TLFC Poster Girl from 1996-98) and Chris Chelios.

Reason #3 is that, as evidenced by supporting pic from the Tribune, TG clearly reminds Cub fans of Sloth from the Goonies. Rocky Road? Indeed...

But more importantly, the fourth reason that we heart Tom Gorzelanny is that, clearly, he knows his place in the Cubs pecking order.

Said Tom, "Ted is going be back soon...I just want to do my job until then, and I can go to the bullpen and go from there."

Exactly, Tom, don't rock the boat, understand your place in the rotation, pick up Ted's dry cleaning when he asks and all will be right with the world.

Tom Gorzelanny Start #1 Preview: Attack Of The Clones

Like many American males, the TLFC owes much to the Star Wars trilogy of our fan club youth. After seeing Chewbacca, we knew that it was ok to have back hair. After watching Obi-Wan mentor Luke Skywalker, we finally realized that the weird old guy who hung around the Chuck-E-Cheese wasn't creepy--he just wanted to teach us about the Force. And, after watching and re-watching Episode IV, we learned not to piss off alien thugs in a cantina on Tattoine.

All in all, important life lessons that we needed to learn.

As we thought ahead to Tom Gorzelanny's first game as a Cubbie, we couldn't help but again look to Star Wars for inspiration/revelation regarding TG's first start.

• "There was nothing you could have done, Luke, had you been there. You'd have been killed too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire": Spoken from Obi-Wan (Ted) to his New Young Lefty Apprentice Tom Gorzelanny (NYLATG)---there's nothing that he could have done to save the Pirates from their fate as the worst franchise in major league baseball (settle down Royal fans). Whenever the Pirates start showing signs of promise, they ship off their talent for draft picks much to the pleasure of other MLB teams (hellllooooo Aramis Ramirez)


• "I find your lack of faith disturbing": Originally spoken from Darth Vader to Empire c-suite execs who didn't believe in the Force (= bad idea), this is a perfect quote to sum up every bandwagon Cubs fan who gave up on this team after their less-than-stellar start. Has it been easy to follow them? Absolutely not but it wasn't easy for Luke to raise his X-Wing Fighter in the Dagoba swamp but we all know how that ended right? Stay on target, Cubs fans and we'll get in Cloud City soon enough


• "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?": From TG to TL...alright watch it buddy. You may be a few inches taller than Ted Lilly in terms of physical stature but no one looms larger in the Cubs locker room than Ted BAMF Lilly.
  
• "I have a very bad feeling about this": Originally said by Luke as he approached the Death Star, this must be what it felt like for ex-Cubs skipper Dusty Baker as Scott Rolen entered the Reds dugout. Scott Rolen? Really? That's the best we can do? Was Gregg Jeffries not available? What about Jose Oquendo?
  
• "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened": This pretty much sums up what Ted's stint on the DL feels to the TLFC except replace "millions of voices" with "our weak, listless, voices" and "silenced" with "covered up by a bottle of Jim Beam."


• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...": As part of the infamous intro title card for every Star Wars film, this sums up what most Cubbie fans were probably thinking when Tom was thrown into the Grabow deal but, if he can revert back to the Tom of Olde (circa 2007 when he won 14 games), we'll be sitting on fantasy gold

Game-day prediction: 6 innings pitched, 6 Ks, 3 BB, 2 earned runs and a tip-of-the-hat for new best friend/mentor/Jedi Knight TL as Tommy Boy walks off the field.