With Ted Lilly On Mound, It Feels Like A Perfect Time For A TL Montage

Yep---nothing really to say here. Cubs are terrible. Roster needs to be blown up and we're struggling for legitmate blogging content. Feels like a perfect time for a montage of inane TL imagery from the last few months.

A Inside Look at 2009 Cubs Season In Bizarro World

Like Chicago summer getaway Door County (official weekend staycation location of the TLFC), much of the Cubs blogosphere has shuttered up their virtual sites for the season and gone back to their normal lives. While a few brave souls continue to blog on and fight the good fight, it has become increasingly difficult to find interesting content - especially here.

Always buoyed by Ted grabbing his lunch pail and going to work on the mound every 5th day, we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club thought that we’d be 'okay', that we could get by and weather the virtual storm w/ always creepy references to Ted’s abs, immortality and/or increasingly loud cry for yellow cake plutonium for our cloning machine. Unfortunately, w/ Ted being scratched from his most recent start in favor of the Shark, we simply are at a loss for blogging inspiration.

Thankfully, while breaking into TLFC House Mom Brenda’s stash of Virginia Gentlemen bourbon that she keeps in the basement, we caught sight of our old TLFC Alternative Universe Flying Machine (AUFM) and took it out for a spin to check out the Cubs 2009 Season in Bizarro World (truthfully, we did consider making a pit stop at Fords Theater in 1865 to stop future Braves fan John Wilkes Booth but didn't want to mess w/ space time continuum).

A few highlights (or is it lowlights--we're not really sure anymore):

• Bizarro Ted Lilly (complete with goatee, #3 jersey and right-handed throwing motion) still mowing down bizarro opponents in route to his tenth straight Cy Young Award.


• Fan-Favorite Milton Bradley handing out turkeys, free board games and copies of his book "Sorry! The Milton Bradley Story" to the disadvantaged youth of Chicago


• In a surreal moment of joy for the TLFC, Joe Buck was kicked off the air after making an on-air pass at Tim McCarver. Buck, ashamed and saddened, was forced back to his hometown of St. Louis (home of arch-rival Cardinals), which was later consumed by a Mississippi River sea monster


• Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Steve Bartman emerged from hiding--only to reveal that he was paid off by Moises Alou in 2003 before the start of the Cubs/Marlins series to purposely interfere with any fly balls that came in his direction during NL playoffs so that no one would blame Alou's urine-sopping hands. Weird? Yep--but this is bizarro world

• The American public came to its senses and realized that Charlie Sheen, in addition to being a terrible actor, is also a crazy nutbag (Exhibit A? He broke up w/ Denise Richards. Seriously? Have you seen Wild Things?. Exhibit B? He thinks that 9/11 was an inside job). His punishment? Banished to live w/ Joe Buck in St. Louis (pre-Mississippi River sea monster) and forced to watch "Two and A Half Men" 24 hours/day (wonder what brand of crazy hijinks they'll get into this episode).

• Cubs hoist the World Series Trophy as TL gets yet another MVP trophy (sigh). Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria.

Sadly--we ran out of D batteries for the AUFM and had to return home to recharge but it's an interesting look at what could have been for the non-bizarro world Cubs.

Sigh.

Ted Lilly Looks to 2010 Season, Injures Himself For Challenge

We have always known and half-kidded that the only one who could harm Ted Lilly is Ted Lilly himself and, as the 2009 Cubs season starts to drift out into the icepack to die a cold/lonely/starving death, that's appears to be what has happened.

But why? Just for the challenge? Nope--only TL can really be challenged is when he arm wrestles himself or engages in a staring contest in his 5'1-" mirror. We think TL was looking to 2010. Ted 'hurt' himself to give the kids some playtime and travel to Chicago to mediate the Hendry/Bradley slap fest. Check. And Check. We won't get into this now but we still want Milton on this team, but that's just us.

Every team needs a powder keg and he's OUR powder keg.

Yesterdays TL Start: Scratched. Enter stage left, Jeff Samardzija for a "you're a top draft pick with ridiculously girly hair and a Scrabble-friendly name so let's see what you can do" start. Under Ted's watchful eye, The Shark goes 6 and hits a TLrific bomb into deep right field. Color us impressed (for those TedHeads scoring at home, the official crayola color of 'impressed' is burnt sienna).

The question remains if Shark will be a viable MLB starter and frankly, we don't really care, because he's neither lefty nor contains the secret of the universe within his perfectly chiseled abdominals. For right now, he's a marginal player with marginaly girly hair who is being used as a marketing tool to lure in all those Notre Dame fans (= homers) living in Chicago.

Sure, as Ted Lilly fanatics and subsequent Cub fans, we care about Bradley on the Cubs 2010 team and Samardzija as a starter, but we don't "really" care because there are more important issues for us to worry about. Specifically, we wonder: "If God created Ted to create all things, did Ted create God?"

Our answer? Maybe*

(*if we just blew your mind there, Dr. TLFC recommends a steady dose of Sanka, Ted Lilly YouTube videos and working out with a medicine ball)

TLFC Breaking News Alert: Milton Bradley Suspension An Elaborate PR Stunt

In an early morning report filed by Ted Lilly Fan Club's crack investigative squad (nicknamed "CSI: Ted"), it turns out that Milton Bradley’s “suspension” for the remainder of the season is, in fact, fictitious. In reality, the whole situation (including Milton's interview with the Daily Herald and subsequent comments from Hendry and Sweet Lou) is a PR stunt ultimately designed to promote an upcoming special edition of the board game “Sorry!” from Milton Bradley’s board game empire.

Realizing that baseball greatness is fleeting ('fleeting' defined as the year 2008) and that board games are eternal, Milton focused his energies on ensuring that "Sorry!" will live on long after he is playing right field for the cubs ('long after' defined as next season when he gets released).

Unnamed sources have provided the TLFC with company memos, sales projections and marketing abstracts on the game launch including a 52-page report, entitled Operation Crazy Town. Dated January 6, 2009, the report details a nine-month plan of attack with individual highlighted sections including “prime powder keg to explode by throwing ball in stands with only two outs”, “grossly underperform during pennant race” and “bribe fan in bleachers to pour beer on a Hawaiian center-fielder”.

Sadly, when the TLFC investigated this, we found that there were other layers to the onion. In fact, like a plot from a Dan Brown novel, many of history's most notorious scandals, crisis situations and events are in fact tied to the Bradley Family's powerful board game empire.

A few examples:

• "Battleship": A MB marketing exec was seen in the South Pacific talking to both US and Japanese envoys directly before the famous Battle of Midway offering them free booze, blue jeans and 5% on back-end sales of the soon-to-luanch game if they went at it for a few days.


• Mall Madness: We have learned that Milton Bradley was behind the rise of several 1980s/1990s pop singers like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany as an excuse to promote in-mall concerts which, in turn, would create in-mall madness.


• Twister: While the game has always been a success, Milton Bradley Corporation did realize that they would eventually experience a dramatic lull in sales as people started playing video games and stopped playing Twister. So, in the early 1920s, during a trip to Europe, they created an arrangement with a German fitness expert to develop a form of exercise that, after a beta test period of around 60 years, would create an army of consumers who were ready-made to carry Twister into the 21st century. The result? Pilates.


• Go To The Head Of The Class: Orginally released in 1940, this game was MB's first attempt to control the growing medium of television. While it took forty years, they were successful in the form of a co-branding effort that took the form of the ABC sitcom, "Head of the Class" featuring "WKPR" veteran Howard Hessermen and Robin Givens

While we were initially shocked and appalled, we ultimately were not surprised by this. After all, this modern-day Keyser Soze was able to convince Cubs management to pay him $30 million over three years so why couldn't he affect world events?

Pride and Prejudice: Ted Lilly Versus St. Louis Cardinals

Great thing about Ted Lilly? As depicted in the picture to the right, he can clearly pull off British sideburns.

Another great thing about Ted Lilly? He never quits.

Every morning, using his diamond edged razor to shave off his steel like stubble (which is later donated to scientific research), Ted looks at himself and says, "Hey Ted, it's Game 7 of the World Series, and even though you've pitched the last 6 games for 9 Innings, all for Wins, and even though you've had to pull a lot of strings to pitch the last 2 games in simulated fashion - even alternating between cities and renting out Yankee Stadium - that doesn't mean you can let your guard down for this Game Seven.... go get 'em." (Confused? So are we...but we're not Ted Lilly).

Teddy Baseball then grabs the proverbial hard hat and goes to work.

In a word--Pride. Ted has Pride. No doubt, this Cardinals series has to be a bit painful for our hero. No doubt, TL had this series circled in dried Cardinal blood on his calendar. No doubt, this could have been a huge series. But alas, this is not the case....at least in the "it could determine the NL Central kind of way."

TL takes the hump against the Cards tonight as a matter of pride. Pitch strong, get the win, and maybe mow down a Cardinal at the plate. That's what we're looking for and that's what we're going to get. We'll also take an egregiously large side order of "let's build a foundation for 2010" comments from Len and/or Bob (we're still hoping that Bob takes us up on our bet that he'll have to shave his stranger danger mustache if TL wins the Roberto Clemente Award).

Prejudice. That's our area. We hate the Cardinals, for prejudicial reasoning please view here. As such, regard all confrontation with these heathens as required viewing in full Cub's gear* (*full Cubs gear defined as a TL #30 jersey, chain mail armor and Cubs zubaz pants).

TLFCSC Prediction - 7 IP, 8 k, a Pujols HR (standard), 2 BB, 2-2 at the plate with a 2b, and 1 extremely scared Catching Molina Brother.

Ted Lilly Claims Prima Nocte In Victory Over Reds

While it'd be pretty easy to do an entire blog post about how Ted resembles William Wallace (quiet yet powerful leader...loves plaid...shoots fireballs out of his arse), we thought that we'd focus on another part of the "Braveheart" legend in trying to summarize Ted's victory yesterday over the Reds.

In short, after watching Ted demolish Reds batter after Reds batter, it became increasingly clear that, upon getting the ball to start the game, Ted claimed Prima Nocte over each and every Reds batter (including bullpen coach Chris Speier and Gary Wahoff, their traveling Secretary)--in effect making them his bitch.

For you historical TedHeads, Prima Nocte (First Night) is a myth that during the Middle Ages, local lords could force a new bride to have sex with them on her wedding night. While Ted is obviously not interested in any of those shenanigans (he's committed to Mrs. Ted--sweet and true), he was interested in making sure that, despite the Lost Season, the Reds understand the pecking order in the NL Central in 2010* (*this is based upon the fact that Pujols tears his ACL, the Cards don't re-sign Holliday and Prince Fielder starts hitting meat again).

Ted's final line? 6 IP, 7 Ks, 2 walks and no earned runs en route to his 12th win of the year and 8th victory at Wrigley (where he now has a filthy 1.60 ERA). Another interesting nugget, via MLB.com, "Lilly has 44 wins since joining the Cubs in 2007, tying him with Milt Pappas for the most victories in a player's first three seasons with Chicago since 1969. He has a 1.37 ERA in six outings since he returned from the disabled list Aug. 17."

Suck it Milt Pappas Fan Club (MPFC), Suck it!

Fired up TedHeads? Want to unleash your own virtual brand of Lillyhammer intensity?

Then--pop on over to Chevy's Web site where you can vote for Ted for the Roberto Clemente Award: http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp

TL Start #25, TL Start #1

Today Ted finds himself in an awful bind. In addition to 1:00 pm Wrigley start where Ted plans on serving up a brunch buffet of face melting Lilly Hammers, a steady dose of pants wetting high heat, and more testosterone than a Ricky Martin concert, TL has an early evening date in Green Bay as his alter ego, Devin Hester.

Notice the similarities.

• Devin Hester - Madden '09's fastest athlete, first assigned 100 "speed" rating.
• Ted Lilly - Universe's most masculine man, first assigned 100 "absurd abs" rating.

• Devin Hester - Known as "Anytime" or "The Play Maker"
  
• Ted Lilly - Known as "Ted Lilly"

• Devin Hester - always in the mix, defenses attracted to him
• Ted Lilly - always in the mix, "Gravity" is Latin for "Ted Lilly's Aura"
  

Most importantly, you can't spell "Special Teams Ace" without a TL.

TL takes the mound in about, oh, 3 minutes and takes the field in about 6 hours. With that in mind we have a special TLFC Super Computer prediction:

TL's line, 7 IP, 7 k, 1 HR (Standard), 1 HR hit by TL, and 38,000 Cubs fans mesmerized.
TL's line, 80 Rec. 1 TD, 50,000 Cheese heads disappointed.

Cub Fans: We Need Your Help! Vote For Ted Lilly For Roberto Clemente Award

C’mon---no matter what the paid scribes will try to say about this year, our season is clearly in the tank. Offense underperformed, pitching was erratic and defense was abysmal. However, despite all these shortcomings, Cub fans still have the ability to make this season a success: help Ted Lilly rightfully win the Roberto Clemente Award.

The award is annually given to a MLB player who, "best exemplifies the game of baseball, sportsmanship, community involvement and the individual's contribution to his team."

For those who can’t wait for the rationale and just want to get out and support Ted, here’s a link: http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp

Like most Chicago politics, vote early and often.

However, if you need some additional convincing, here are a few facts (some real, some less than-real) that might convince you to vote for Ted (big virtual thanks to Bleacher Nation for their insight on this topic).

Did you know…..

• that Ted Lilly visits with patients at Children’s Memorial Hospital & University of Chicago Comer’s Children’s Hospital? (clearly our inspiration for TL/Mother Theresa homage)


• he helped save the galaxy by blowing up Death Star? (like shooting womp rats back in beggars' canyon)


• Ted was originally cast as lead vampire in Twilight but turned it down to give that kid from Harry Potter his shot (okay maybe not real but TL's got better hair)?


• he helps to raise funds for the Sheil Park Playlot Renovation?


• that the Richter scale is calibrated to ignore TL's footsteps? (it’s for safety reasons)


• Ted is not immortal? (kidding! Ted is immortal—we all know that—silly TedHeads)


• he spends time with children from the Make-a-Wish Foundation of Illinois? (100% true. Also 100% true? Our wish is to be more like Ted)


• Lilly is also active in raising awareness and attending fundraising events for P.A.W.S. Chicago? (Mrs. Lilly? Veterinarian-sweet and true)


• that TL sponsors an RBI (Reviving Baseball In Inner Cities) team through the Union League Boys and Girls Club since 2007?


• Roberto Clemente won the first Ted Lilly Award?

Get out there, TedHeads, we need your help: http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp

Today shall be our Tedpendance Day!

Ted Lilly Vs. Oprah? Ted Lilly Wins...Easy.

Oprah gives away cars, Ted takes away souls

With all the hubbub these past few days about Oprah shutting down Michigan Ave for show tapings to celebrate her 24th Season, a more important and impressive feat continues to be lost in the media shuffle... Let's play headline trivia (kinda like a Jay Leno game without the ski slope chin and affinity for Kevin Eubanks) to see if we can sort out what:

Was it President Obama becoming chair of the UN Security Council? Nope. Keep going.

Or maybe that a one-year old girl in China is carrying a parasitic twin inside of her? Thankfully, no.

Or how about the fact that an investor group made a multi-million dollar offer for the Chicago Sun-Times (aka the Yellow Lady of Journalism)? Sorry but getting closer.

The real answer, TedHeads, is that Ted Lilly continues to perform miraculous feats every 5th day for the Cubs. While we've already covered his position as quite possibly a god of gods, Ted Lilly clearly can out pitch, out work and out fill stadium sized audiences. A few starters:

Work-Out Routine: Ted's abs? Flawless--almost tears-of-joy worthy. Oprah's midsection? Probably best to wear loose-fitting clothing and sign up for a few personal sessions w/ Dr. Oz.

Ability To Draw Crowds: Sure--Oprah did an "ok" job this past week with crowds estimated at around 20,000 for her Michigan Avenue tapings. That's adorable. Ted, on the other hand, draws 30,000 fans every time he pitches at Wrigley (11 times thus far = 330,000). Add in the legions of TedHeads around the globe via WGN Superstation and, it's clear, Ted can draw a crowd like Jesus teaching his disciples to be fishers of men (= in a non-creepy way).

Pitching Ability: Ted? Two-time NL All-Star, inventor of the face-melting Lillyhammer and inspiration to children and sick kittens everywhere. Oprah? Throw out first pitch last pitch April on Jackie Robinson Day at Citi Field but is probably more comfortable pitching authors who lie and making Scientologists go nuts on her couch.

There you have it--it's so clear and, despite media's love for Oprah, we're pretty sure that she hasn't been nominated for the Roberto Clemente Award...Ted Lilly vs. Oprah? Too easy...

Ted Lilly: Great Human, Better Deity

Outside our absurd compensation package and all the Sanka we can drink, one of the fun things about being the Ted Lilly Fan Club is when Tuggles (those not in the Tedhead community) see the light, join The Movement, and welcome Ted into their lives.

The medium for their growth of Tedhead nation is generally through his absurd domination of batters or his eerily magnetic 5'10" frame; ladies want to be with Ted, men want to be Ted. But recently, we've seen our ranks grow through the abundance of press surrounding Ted's Charitable work outside of the baseball Diamond.

We applaud this coverage, but it's not something we're going to get into much detail about. Per our Ted Lilly Fan Club Privacy Policy (TLFCPP), we don't like to talk about Ted's Day-to-Day Saintly practices - we only cover Ted's nonhuman accomplishments (such as flying and the ability to eat 12 Saltines in a minute), Ted's Superhuman accomplishments (ie composing Phantom and Les Miserables under the pseudonym Andrew Lloyd Webber), and Transhuman Baseball accomplishments (we're not sure what that even means but its likelysomething hilarious and profound.)

What we're going to do is post a batch of links to let you Tedheads read for yourselves and vote for Ted, if you'd like. We're not going to campaign for TL, we doubt he does what he does for accolades or awards nor do we think it makes sense to campaign for someone as 'more deserving' of either of these particular awards. Here you go:

Ted Lilly for The Marvin Miller Man of The Year Award

Ted Lilly for The Roberto Clemente Award

Ted Lilly for the Ted Lilly Fan Club, Ted Lilly of the Year Award

TL throws against the Pirates on Labor Day with the odd 11:35 am Central start time. While TL's mowing down scurvy Pirates with extreme prejudice, maybe take a moment to ask yourself WWTLD (What Would Ted Lilly Do)? The answer is clearly fight evil with his Tedtastic Mental Powers and Ivory Chiseled Abs, which you can't do, but you can certainly try.

Every 5th Day, Ted Lilly Shines A Light

During our high school years in between bouts of acne, social awkwardness and a weird love for Aqua Net hair spray, the Ted Lilly Fan Club entered into that period when we tried to show off by pretending to appreciate (listen...not just hear) good, yet hip/adult music. Case in point: Van Morrison.

Sure, everyone loves "Brown Eyed Girl" (surprisingly not written about Mrs. Ted Lilly or TLFC House Mom Brenda) but, when you get beyond that pop bubble gum stuff, Van Morrison has some deeply spiritual, poetic songs that either are a) perfect for that mix tape that you were making for that girl you liked in your bio class or b) ideal to play loudly as you drive around late at night only stopping for late night hoss at Baker's Square. Perfect example? "Whenever God Shined His Light."

Some lyrics, "Whenever God shines his light on me...Opens up my eyes so I can see...When I look up in the darkest night...I know everythings going to be alright...In deep confusion, in great despair...When I reach out for him he is there...When I am lonely as I can be...I know that God shines his light on me."

It seems very fitting that we recount that experience given the last few weeks of Cubdom. Let's be honest folks--we've tanked and officially shat the ivy-covered bed. You know it. We know it. Heck, even Paul Sullivan probably doesn't get the same sick satisfaction slinking around the Cubs lockerroom looking for spontaneous games of grab-ass as he once did when the season started so full of promise and hope.

But, once again, in this universe of darkness and despair, Ted Lilly decides to thrown on his heartlight and show Cubs fans what true promise and hope is (editor's note: hint hint--it comes in a 5'10" package and calls Torrance, CA home).

In today's edition, despite being 10 games back in the Central (= mathematically dead to us), Ted walks into the Cubs lockeroom, steps to the middle, tells the Game Board King to turn off the music and, in a quiet yet menacing tone, proclaims, "F- It--I've got this one boys."

The result? Ted scatters four hits over eight scoreless innings while striking out five and attempting a sweet-as-hell base steal in the third. Despite his earlier injury this year, Ted notched his tenth win of the season for the 7th straight season (Johan Santana, CC Sabithia and Mark Buehrle are the only other lefties in that club).

Whenever Ted shines a light....indeed.

(Picture is courtesy of Phil Velasquez/Chicago Tribune)