Ted Lilly Chosen As All-Star, Ted Lilly Fan Club Asks, “Is This Heaven?”

While we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC) already knew that Ted was going to be named an National League All-Star (by virtue of a quick trip to the future in the TLFC Delorean that we bought at a Christopher Lloyd garage sale), we didn't want to ruin the surprise for the growing legion of TedHeads across the country (would be akin to telling little TedHeads that the Easter Bunny or Santa Ted isn't real--just not right).

Ted joins other fantasy gold pitchers on the senior circuit's roster including Johan Santana and Tim Lincecum. Even better, Ted was picked for the squad over Brewers "staff ace" Yovani Gollardo (suck it Chicago Jr. and double suck it Bleacher Report).

Let's start with Ted, "I'm excited, looking forward to it. I hope I get an opportunity to pitch in it. That would be fun. It's a great honor for me and I'm very excited to represent our club," he said. "But, obviously, the whole goal for us is getting into October"

Little does Ted know that the TLFC has already done the dirty work (again--Delorean) and, 93% of TedHeads agree, Ted should pitch all nine innings in St. Louis.

Let's continue with the TLFC, "Ridiculous. Is this heaven? This is probably the best gift that the city of St. Louis has ever received since they got the Arch and indoor-plumbing. You can thank us later."

We're still checking but we've gotten a few emails into the TLFC mainframe (nicknamed "Big Ted") that are telling us that a) Chicago Tribune scribe/all-around locker room creep Paul Sullivan tried to stuff the ballot boxes in Ted's favor (despite the fact that pitchers are not on the ballot), NL/Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel is scouting Lilly for the eventual NLCS Game 7 and that Ted himself was inspired by Ted Lilly t-shirt day on Sunday (final bottom line? 7 ks, 0 walks and a few runs en route to win #8).

More to come Ted Heads as the MLB All-Star game nears but, as start, we're going to guarantee you a) in-depth coverage of the game (feels like a whiskey-fueled live blog) b) creepy Craig's List-esque "Casual Encounters" photos of TLFC members in TL All-Star shirts (faces blurred) and a special, once-in a life, guest prediction.

Happy 233rd Birthday America. Now, Where Do We Put All These Candles?

Well, TedHeads---we're a few minutes away from packing up the TLFC Family Truckster w/ orange slices/extra Sanka and taking the whole FC up to Wisco for a few days of rest, relaxation and quiet snobbery over our rube cousins to the north (we might also "upper deck" every toilet we find in the cheese state).

The TLFC Super Computer is already pre-lubed w/ zinc oxide, we have the officially-branded TLFC bean-bag game ready to go and Ted Lilly's hawk, Fury, is excited to spend a few days outdoors with his former co-workers.

However, before we shut down the TLFC Main Frame (nicknamed Big Ted) and put the Door Club on the FC entryways, we did want to take a moment to wish America a happy and healthy 233rd birthday. We were going to bake America a cake but it's bathing suit season and all that flour and sugar would just go to its thighs--tsk tsk tsk.

While most of us will never experience a 233rd birthday (except for Ted given that he's immortal), we think that America looks pretty good for its age (except for the whole "sitting on the brink of war w/ North Korea and Iran AND obsession with Jon & Kate + Eight" thing).

Enjoy the holiday and feel free to not blow your TedHead hands off with illegal fireworks from Indiana (we usually give black cats to the summer campers at TL's Summer Camp For Kids Who Can't Read Good and that traditionally goes over well).

As for predictions, we think that the Cubs will take 3/4 from the Brewers and that the rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air will give proof through the night that our flag is still there.

Fire it up Patriotic TedHeads!

Cubs Offense Wets Their Pants Again In Lilly Loss

Normally, if your starting pitcher goes 7 innings with 7 strikeouts, 2 earned runs and only 2 walks, you'd feel that you have a pretty good chance at a victory.

When you throw in the additional fact that you're playing the Pittsburgh Pirates, you'd probably feel even more safe betting the TLFC mortgage on a Cubs victory.

But you'd be wrong.

Once again, the Cubs offense offered up a solid middle finger to the Cubs pitching staff in the form of scoring no runs and only scattering six hits against Russ f-ing Ohlendorf. Let's repeat that for prosperity sake: Russ F-ing Ohlendorf held us scoreless. W.T.F. Somewhere, the Russ Ohlendorf Fan Club (ROFC) is having a good laugh at the TLFC's expense and that sucks.

We're not even sure what to say right now. We'll let other Cubs blogs and/or Carrie Muskat talk about how the Samardjzia call-up is the key to our resurgence--we stand by the fact that he's got girl hair and should stay in the minors. We need to untangle the ball of haze going on right now at the major league level.

Of course, thanks to the chemical imbalance that comes with a steady nine-inningdiet of Sanka, Bud Extra and Bugles, we are all sorts of cranked out right now and can't believe that, despite another quality Ted start, the Cubs lost again.

Even worse, this seriously jepordizes TL's trip down south to St. Louis for the All-Star game (despite the fact that 93% of TedHeads believe that Ted should pitch all nine innings in the game) and puts us into a weird position with Soriano for the pity roster spot.

Our final thought is that we hope/pray/need Randy Wells to plunk a Pirate in the throat tomorrow to fire this team up a little bit...

Ted Lilly Start #16: Russ Ohlendorf Is Bizarro Ted Lilly

Unlike Ted Lilly himself (who has no beginning or end), the TLFC did have a childhood and, in that childhood, we loved comic books and were particularly interested in the adventures of Superman which, naturally, led us to our present adoration of a certain 5'10" Superman from CA.

During these years of reading these comic books, we grew increasingly knowledgeable on Superman, his likes (Lois Lane, tight pants), dislikes (bald super villains, kryptonite), favorite color (red and blue--tie) etc. which was seemingly a waste of time until today when, in analyzing today's pitching match-up, we realized suddenly that Ross Ohlendork is the MLB's version of the Bizarro Superman--the evil twin/doppleganger to our super hero Ted BAMF Lilly.

In between fits of shuddering, convulsions and warm milk from TLFC House Mom Brenda, we pulled out that old collection to do a little more research and confirmed that Russ Ohlendork is indeed Bizarro Ted. Since we we're not sure that TedHeads have an in-house Comic Book Library and Depository (CBLAD) to do your own research, let's look at the facts:

1. Basic Physical Make-Up: Ted is a lefty, Russ is a righty. Clearly--opposites.


2. Hometown: For U.S. Census purposes only, Ted is listed as having a Torrance, CA hometown (we all know that he's immortal, thus having no 'home') while Russ is from Texas. Both hail from big states but both states are wildly opposite in terms of politics, music styles and stance on drive-thru bars (Texas? Yes. California? No).


3. Education: Ted spent his formative years at Fresno City Junior College--honest, blue-collar, hard-working while fancy pants Russ went to Princeton where he majored in elitism, drinking with his pinky raised and reading Kurt Vonnegut.


4. Philanthropic Interests: Ted is a Comcast OnDemand celebrity through his participation in the Cubs Reading Program as well as his own private School For Kids Who Can't Read Good (editor's note: this is a 501(C)3 program so stay away IRS), which has earned him the nickname "Mr. Wonderful" around local orphanages. Bizarro Ted has the nickname, "Mr. Wonderful" because his last name sounds likes someone from WWFD.

So, there you have it, TedHeads...we are not just looking at a "normal" TL start (normal defined as "normally awesome" or "normally Tedtastic") but potentially a world-ending tilt where two men collide in a epic nine-inning battle.

With that sense of doom and destruction top-of-mind, we welcome in Robert Roy Pool, writer of the movie "Armageddon" for today's prediction: 7 IP, 6Ks, 3BBs, 1 HR (standard TL), 2 flaming meteorite induced explosions, and one awkward (ed. note, but beautiful) romance between Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler.

Ummmmm, Robert--we're only talking about Cubs baseball, can we stay focused here?

Revised: 7 IP, 6Ks, 3BBs, 1 HR (standard TL) and one awkward romance between Tribune beat writer Paul Sullivan and the entire Cubs lockerroom.

Ted Lilly Knows The Future

Ho Hum. DeRosa goes to Cardinals.

We don't do "transaction analysis" here, we're more of the "obsessive worship of a single man-god with glorious muscle tone and a soul crushing arsenal of off-speed pitches,"-type place.

However, if we did do 'analysis' we'd still say that trading Mark DeRosa was a logical move that few people would be discussing had the Cubs won 3 or 4 more games than they've lost. The Cubs would then be 38-34 and talking about chasing the division instead of 35-37 and musing over the Apocalypse and why we signed the Board Game king.

Furthermore, had A-Ram not gone out with a freak injury, The DeRosa Crisis would be a footnote. Sure, DeRo was your classic clubhouse guy and fan favorite, but if Bradley improves even slightly he will supplant Dero's production. And yes, we still love the Bradley signing, but that might be because we obsess over a guy who allegedly punched his manager (ed note, Gibbons had it comin'!) and so our thresehold for raining down moral judgement on a baseball player is pretty darned high (ed. note: specicifically 5'10" inches high)

Long and short of it. Basically, what we're saying, if we did do "analysis," that it has taken an absurd confluence of events to make the DeRosa trade look like the Lou Brock trade and, even then, we still think it kinda makes sense. One year left in his contract, off of a great season, desperate need for prospects in system... like we said, kinda makes sense... But again, we're not in the analysis business, we're in the obsessive business. So being the case, Ted Lilly likely can travel through time and most certainly can see into the future.

Case-in-point, TL's comments to Cubs.com writer Carrie Muskat:

"I think once the game starts and we get going, there will be a lot of cheers when Mark strikes out with men on second and the game on the line," Lilly said.

This prognostication - nee a sign - is Ted's way of telling Cub fans, "There is hope." Has Ted ever been wrong before? Nope. Remember 1944, when Ted predicted that the weather would be clear over the channel? We do. That wasn't meteorology, that was Ted knowing the future.... and Tedheads, the future looks bright.

Ted Lilly's Man Crush? Home Runs

Maybe it's the fact that he equates home runs to fire works (and he looooves fireworks) or maybe he felt bad that Mags hadn't hit a home run in 40 games (spoken in Sosa-ian Spanglish) or maybe it's simply because he weirdly promised a sick child at Detroit Receiving Hospital that he'd give up 2 HRs/10Hs/6 ERs today in his start but we can't deny the truth: Ted Lilly loves the long ball.

Sure, this was Ted's first loss in a month. Sure, he still has mind-blowing abs but this loss still really hurt.

We got swept by the Tigers?!? The F-ing Tigers? Only time the Tigers have ever been cool was when Magnum PI started rocking their hat in the mid-1980s and that might have only been because he had a very solid mustache (remember: members of the TLFC are still perpetually stuck in Stage 3 of Facial Hair Growth Life Stages--also known as Wicker Park Whiskers).

Cubs now sink one game below .500 at a not-so-sweet 34-35 as we march (slump?) into this weekend's second installment of the crosstown classic. At least, instead of dealing with bankrupt automakers in Detroit, we can focus on AJ Pierzynski taunts and questionable Ozzie jokes...

Ted Lilly Start #15: Here Comes The Streak

As our roller-coaster season continues, Ted Lilly gets the ball today against the Tigers in one of his final tune-ups before his eventual no-hitter in the upcoming MLB All-Star game in St. Louis.

While the Cubs have been up and down recently, lost in the shuffle has been Derrek Lee's resurgence to fantasy baseball prominence (prominence = starting spot) highlighted by his not-yet-DiMaggio-friendly 22-game hitting streak.

This streak got us thinking about what other streaks various Cubs players (present and past) might secretly have going.

• Ted Lilly: 31 straight years of being badass (ed note, Ted Lilly is actually immortal)
• Milton Bradley: 31 straight years trying to convince the world that he is a) related to the game-board empire and b) came up with idea for Mall Madness
• Todd Hundley: 15 straight days watching "Price Is Right" in locker room without pants
• Paul Sullivan: 15 straight days for the Tribune scribe hanging out weirdly close to Todd Hundley during his no-pants phase
• Mark Grace: 5 straight days of "Slump Busting" with women over two bills.
• David Patton: 10 straight years of reminding people of James Gumb from "Silence of the Lambs"? Baby puts the lotion in the basket...
• Sammy Sosa: Soon to be 5-10 years as someone's "lady friend" in Illinois Correctional for lying to Congress. Doubt his Spanglish is going to go over too well in prison...
• Dusty Baker - 34 straight games of calling Jason Dubious, "Justin"
• Joe Borowski---Fresh off his Mexican League career, 21 straight days eating only churros

And there you have it, TedHeads...credible blog proof that Derrek Lee is not the only one that carried the burden of a streak. While we are most impressed with TL's streak of infinite BAMF-ness, we also give a nice tip of the hat to the other folks (except for Sullivan and Sosa--you two are not welcome at the TLFC 4th of July Party)...

With that in mind, we welcome in Ray Stevens (known best for his 1974 opus, "the Streak") for today's prediction:

6.2 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 3BBs and 2 Lady TedHeads arrested for running onto the field in an admirable but illegal/Mrs. Lilly-upsetting attempt to touch Ted and get a lock of his hair for cloning purposes