Ted Lilly, Force of NatureHOUSTON -While the Cub's were adding on insurance runs to their slim lead, recently removed starting pitcher Ted Lilly was taking out frustration in the visitors clubhouse. "It was a maelstrom," said Cub's traveling secretary Jimmy Bank, "I've never seen such carnage."
"I was in the clubhouse watching Dora the Explorer," said Rookie Pitcher Sean Gallagher, "and I was jarred from my seat by thunderous crash." What Gallagher described next is pure nightmare fodder. "I rushed into the clubhouse to see TL full of rage. He had already flipped a few chairs but then he really went to town. He picked up a bunch of rolled up socks, firing them with pin point accuracy to destroy various targets... I think our lucky miniature Webkinz Lil' Kinz black bear got it first with a direct hit. He then dropped a few Lilly Hammer's perfectly into the box of Sun Flower seeds and the whole thing just exploded. Next thing you know, he's got one of Fukudome's insanely expensive bats and he starts going to work. He deftly drove the Gatorade cooler through the manager's office door then executed a perfect bunt on the Water Fountain, knocking it right along the locker room wall, only to see die a few feet short of the catering spread. The destruction was Horrible."
Lilly had good reason to be frustrated. After striking out 21 batters over his last 13 IP, for an K/9 of 14.5, Lilly only managed to strike out a paltry 6 over 5 1/3 IP (10.12 K/9). Lilly also allowed 2 runs over 4 hits, only merely "securing" the victory for his team instead of "sealing" it.
No slouch at the plate either, TL went 1-2 to raise his average to .267, better than David Ortiz (.247), Ken Griffey Jr. (.250) and Ryan Howard (.187).
No, we're not saying that TL is a better hitter than those folks but, rest assured, there's no way that those guys can throw the Lilly Hammer or crush a baseball w/ their mind like Ted. No chance.
Only a few witnesses saw Lilly's rage - the Locker Room was spotless after the game. "I think he was just as upset that he lost his cool, so suddenly he's got some Windex and starts making the place spotless," said Bank, "His efficient cleaning was Horrible."
When approached about the incident after the game, Lilly initially muttered, "No Comment." But then he paused, looked at the floor, and addressed the media. "I'm not perfect," said Lilly, "and I wasn't prefect today... I let my team down by only being 'stellar' instead of 'dominant'... and for that, I'm sorry."
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... Ted Lilly
