Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Lilly Destroys Clubhouse, Furious at "Sub- Dominant" Performance

Ted Lilly, Force of Nature

HOUSTON -While the Cub's were adding on insurance runs to their slim lead, recently removed starting pitcher Ted Lilly was taking out frustration in the visitors clubhouse. "It was a maelstrom," said Cub's traveling secretary Jimmy Bank, "I've never seen such carnage."

"I was in the clubhouse watching Dora the Explorer," said Rookie Pitcher Sean Gallagher, "and I was jarred from my seat by thunderous crash." What Gallagher described next is pure nightmare fodder. "I rushed into the clubhouse to see TL full of rage. He had already flipped a few chairs but then he really went to town. He picked up a bunch of rolled up socks, firing them with pin point accuracy to destroy various targets... I think our lucky miniature Webkinz Lil' Kinz black bear got it first with a direct hit. He then dropped a few Lilly Hammer's perfectly into the box of Sun Flower seeds and the whole thing just exploded. Next thing you know, he's got one of Fukudome's insanely expensive bats and he starts going to work. He deftly drove the Gatorade cooler through the manager's office door then executed a perfect bunt on the Water Fountain, knocking it right along the locker room wall, only to see die a few feet short of the catering spread. The destruction was Horrible."

Lilly had good reason to be frustrated. After striking out 21 batters over his last 13 IP, for an K/9 of 14.5, Lilly only managed to strike out a paltry 6 over 5 1/3 IP (10.12 K/9). Lilly also allowed 2 runs over 4 hits, only merely "securing" the victory for his team instead of "sealing" it.

No slouch at the plate either, TL went 1-2 to raise his average to .267, better than David Ortiz (.247), Ken Griffey Jr. (.250) and Ryan Howard (.187).

No, we're not saying that TL is a better hitter than those folks but, rest assured, there's no way that those guys can throw the Lilly Hammer or crush a baseball w/ their mind like Ted. No chance.

Only a few witnesses saw Lilly's rage - the Locker Room was spotless after the game. "I think he was just as upset that he lost his cool, so suddenly he's got some Windex and starts making the place spotless," said Bank, "His efficient cleaning was Horrible."

When approached about the incident after the game, Lilly initially muttered, "No Comment." But then he paused, looked at the floor, and addressed the media. "I'm not perfect," said Lilly, "and I wasn't prefect today... I let my team down by only being 'stellar' instead of 'dominant'... and for that, I'm sorry."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Ted Lilly Start #11: Thank God It's Ted Lilly Monday


Opposing scouts call him 'The Intimidator,' we just call him Ted

Happy Tedsday all!

Sure, no one likes Mondays and, more importantly, everyone hates the Astros so it's all the more important that Ted Lilly gets the ball today against the hated orange juice loving Houston Astros.
In case you had your head in the sand or simply dislike dominating left-handed pitchers from Torrance, California, Ted Lilly had an amazing start last time out against Captain America Jake Peavy.

TL has reached double-digit strikeouts in back to back games for the first time in his illustrious Hall of Fame career. Against the D'Bags, he struck out 10, and in his last start, he struck out 11, picking up wins in both games to bring his record to .500.

The TLFC was really fired up at the opportunity for Ted Lilly to go against his third straight ace in Roy "just a simple country boy from Weir, Mississippi" Oswalt but Oswalt pussied out and purposely moved his start up a day and, just to be sure, pulled his groin.

Fine--the Ted Lilly Army gladly will face Brian Moehler in today's 6:05 start. Who's Brian Moehler? If you guessed that he's young fire baller from the Astro's farm system getting his first start, you're forgetting that Ed Wade went all Sub Prime on this team to get Tejada and the Astros have no farm system left. If you're guessing that Moehler is a 36 year old journeyman starter, then you're spot on.

Statically speaking, Moehler's career hasn't been spectacular but, then again, he's a major league baseball player with millions of dollars and, if we had that kind of lifestyle, we'd certainly call our career "spectacular." TLFC - 0, Brian Moehler - 1. Moehler's 2007 numbers are forgettable and we'll summarize them for you by breaking our proprietary BDAS stat:


TGN
(The Good Name) - 0.37 - We've never met anyone tough named Brian (Brian Bosworth need not apply, Brian Urlacher doesn't count b/c he's immortal and eats babies for fuel).... Name doesn't lend itself well to nickname; Brian the Basher sucks... sounds like a car salesman....

MMU (Mound Make- Up) - 0.72- fairly intimidating picture... likely exudes Old Man Strength...

AYTL (Are You Ted Lilly) - .32 - At 6'3" too tall.... 235lbs = low ab strength.... Righty .... can't levitate things with mind...

Plug those into the BDAS formula:

[((SO+HBP) - ((AVG*OBP*SLG)/(WHIP))] * (TGN + MMU + AYTL)

Brian Moehler (0.37/0.72/0.32) BDAS: 42.26

As a reminder Ted Lilly's (1/1/1.05) BDAS score was 539.78

Needless to say we're optimistic about our chances today. The Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer (TLFCSC) is too:

TLFCSC Prediction: 6 2/3 IP, 7 ks, 1 ER, 3 BB and 1 fat camp joke made at Lance Berkman's expense.

TGITLM Ted Heads!!!! Fire it up!!!!!

Sacre Bleu! Marquis Wins! Marquis Wins!

After a rough first inning in which he gave up a line drive home run to Adam LaRoche, Jason Marquis settled down in Sunday's outing, allowing only 4 hits and striking out three to get his second win of the year.

Sure, it wasn't a Ted Lilly-esque domination (we'll see that tomorrow Ted Heads!) but it was a solid start for Frenchy after an uneven outing last week against the Padres when he gave up four runs on nine hits over 5 2/3 innings in the loss (his third in a row).
More importantly, the win stops the bleeding after Saurday's loss and sets the stage perfectly for TL's start tomorrow against the Astros and Brian "my mother doesn't even know I'm a major league pitcher" Moehler.
Random bit of Brian Moehler trivia? Brian was born on the same day as fellow major leaguer Esteban Loaiza.
Random bit of Ted Lilly trivia? He was Harrison Ford's stunt double in the upcoming "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". You didn't think that whip work and chiseled abs were Han Solo's, did you?
The Fan Club Super Computer is powered down right now, charging his batteries for Monday's big TL start but rest assured that we'll be back with some inane post that combines pop culture references, fakey baseball analysis and acronyms galore (PCRFBAAAG).
Happy Sunday Ted Heads...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Ted Lilly Fan Club Enters Crazy Town: What if Edmonds Is Good?

Our Personal Hell

We had our weekly Thursday Evening Ted Lilly Fan Club Debate And Dinner In The Ted Lilly Fan Club Wood Paneled Room In The Ted Lilly Fan Club HeadQuarters (TETLFCDADITTLFCWPRITTLFCHQ) last night and it was a lively affair. In addition to our regular agenda item #1, "Ted Lilly, How Awesome?" we added a #2 that provoked lively debate- "What if Jim Edmonds Is Good?"

The Edmonds signing brought out the worst in us and we apologize. Our rationale is similar to that of a lot of other places: Edmonds is not an upgrade over Pie and the potential for upside is far outweighed by the deep and painful feelings we hold for specific Cardinals. Let us put it this way: we envision Satan as having Vina's Face, La Russa's Sun Glasses, Joe Bucks Voice, Pujol's batting stance, and having a giant St. Louis Arch Tatooed on his naked Demon Chest.... sweet merciful Jesus.

But imagine, if you will, an alternative. Imagine that Jim Edmonds regains his stroke. Better yet, imagine if he plays around league average and helps the Cubs with some huge timely hits. What implications does this have for Cub fans?

Almost entirely, the Cubby faithful would derive their happiness from the entire city of St. Louis falling into anarchy. With their world turned on its head, cats would fight dogs, hordes of locasts would swarm, and zombie creatures of former Cardinal fans would rule the streets at night chanting, "Edddmonds." What kind of improvement over his injury riddled 2007 line of .252/ .325/ .403 would insight this bedlam? How about a .280/.360/.495? That's roughly the 90% weighted mean forecast that Baseball Prospectus throws around. We don't know what that means, but to quote Dumb and Dumber, "So you're saying there's a chance?!"

If you take rational statistical analysis and irrational fan hatred out back and shoot them, the Edmonds signing becomes rather exciting. Where's the downside here? Pie's development would be hindered by the Cub's brass even without Edmonds, so AAA might be a blessing. Let's say Edmond's flames out, Cub's then go ahead and trade their pitching prospects for an aging veteran CF that immediately becomes a fan favorite - looking at you Dave Roberts.

The Edmond's signing is fairly consistent with the modus operandi of Cub's management and shouldn't be that surprising. For all you Ted Heads out there upset with this move, just imagine the glorious march through downtown St. Louis, as the Liberating Army of Ted Lilly (LAOTL) celebrates the vanquished zombies... just imagine.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Ted Lilly Start #10 Recap: Classic TL Domination

Classic domination game last night as TL out duels Padres ace, Jake Peavy, going 6 innings pitched with 11 strikeouts, 4 walks, 1 plunked batter in Adrian Gonzalez and only 4 earned runs.

TL is now back at .500 and the Fan Club is back to officially accepting applications for TLFC membership.

"Why has he been so good?" Piniella said. "He has been getting ahead of the hitters, changing speeds really, really well, and he's beginning to incorporate his good curveball into the scheme of things. He has picked up a little velocity. Yeah, he has pitched well."

Between his previous start against D'Bags and this outing against the Padres, TL has been utterly dominant, making a strong push for May NL Pitcher of the Month (accepting applications now). His velocity is back, the Lillyhammer is moving more than Sweet Lou's double chins during a funny episode of "House of Payne" and we're getting some great run support from Fonzi and the rest of the Happy Days gang.

In fact, we haven't seen domination like this since Sherman's March to the Sea or when we walked into that hotel room in Amsterdam and caught the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer with some she-man named Helga. Awkward at best...

Johnny Drama Dempster goes against Former Cub Greg "Mr. 350" Maddux...

Ted Lilly Start #10: Return of the A-Team

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... Ted Lilly

Happy TedsDay! Fresh off a career outing against Danny Haren and the D-Bags, Ted Lilly takes to the mound game against Jake Peavy with a new responsibility: leader of the Cubs’ A-Team.

Ted Lilly obviously plays the role of Col. John "Hannibal" Smith (George Peppard), whose plans tend to be unorthodox but effective—kinda like a surprise 10K performance against Arizona last Friday. TL and Hannibal would never let the Cubs sign Edmonds...never.

Make no mistake, Ted Heads, TL is going to need to muster all of his creativity to out-pitch Peavy, the 2007 Cy Young Award Winner, San Diego Padres all-time strikeouts leader and captain of Team USA in the 2006 World Baseball Classic. Jake’s arsenal includes several different two-seam fastballs (88-90 mph), a four-seam fastball (93-97 mph), a hard slider (83-88 mph), a changeup (80-84 mph), and the an occasional Lillyhammer-esque curveball (74-76 mph.) Those mph's taken from simulating today's game fifteen times last night with MLB '08. We were Ted Lilly, Super Computer was Peavy, and the Cub's won twelve times. The three losses stemmed from ejections for smoking Khalil Greene in Game One for last night's homer and then twice hitting Peavy to see if we could get him out of the game.*

Ryan Theriot of couse would play Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck (ably played by Dirk Benedict) as the smooth-talking con-man who serves as the team's appropriator of vehicles and other useful items like gold-glove caliber defense at 2B and lockerroom chutzpah.
Thinking about the the A-team's pilot and navigator, Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock, we would think that it’d be Alan Trammel, our bench coach. Not only does he look a little like Murdock (here) but he also had a cameo on Magnum PI. Now, we agree that it's not the best analogy but we still think it's pretty cool...

Then, there is the team's strong man and mechanic, Bosco B.A.(Bad Attitude) Baracus (Mr. T). This one’s easy: Carlos “Big Z” Zambrano who always seems to be an inning away from a complete and utter mental breakdown Jack Torrance style.

Finally, we have the Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer who would probably play the role of A-Team sidekick (5th Season only) Frankie "Dishpan Man" Santana (Eddie Velez), who served as the team's special effects expert. TLFCSC is a wizard with fireworks and loves strobe lights.

TLFCSC Prediction: 6 2/3 IP; 2 ER; 6Ks; 1 menacing 'sliced throat' jesture to Shawn Estes

* Peavy stats come from a variety of places, but we generally look to The Baseball Analysts for this kinda stuff.

Fernando Vina Also Available


Seemed to work last time